Need some encouragement

[Andabelle]

He is projecting.

Sorry he's being such a jerk.

[kissak]

yes...thanks Andabelle.

He did text me this morning and tell me that his therapist told him that he is building up lots of frustrations. I asked if he knew what those frustrations were. He said "some".

He wants to know whats on my mind today.

I have no idea how to respond to him.

The same thing is on my mind thats been there for almost 4 years!

and that is ~what is his problem?~~~~~

[TRUSTING]

Kissak,

He is struggling with all his demons right now. This is as you know not about you or anything you are doing. Do what you would normally do if he was not around. You are an amazing person putting up with all this. He has to find his way.....

[kissak]

Thanks Trusting.

I very tired. Its beginning to show. Im getting to the point where I just dont care anymore what he does. I hate that. Im trying to stand by him, but good grief! He is making it very difficult!!!!!!

[kissak]

Someone please help me with this!

I had a talk with my H last night. Got more insight on what his therapist and him talked about. H asked me a bunch of questions, I felt almost as if I was being interragated.

First he said his therapist told him that with each frustration he had it was like another one would come along and now they are all piling on top of one another bringing him to this point.

First, he wanted to know why I havent been wearing my wedding rings. I explained to him that i wanted to, but since losing 70 pounds they didnt fit! He then asked why I didnt get them resized...I said because I wanna lose 10 more pounds first. He wanted to know how I was going to do that because what I was doing werent working! I told him I needed support.

Second, he wanted to know why I didnt dress up for him. I told him cuz we never go out. He wants me to dress up anyway when Im just around the house. He said he was ticked off that I dressed up when I went out with friends. BUT he never takes me anywhere!

Third, money situation isnt what he expected. He thinks that has something to do with me. I reminded him that 2 paychecks went by that he didnt pay his bills. He denied that.

Forth, sex isnt the same. OK, I agreed. I told him what my needs were. I want more than just sex. To him , thats all he needs. NO cuddling and stuff like that, well thats what I need. He didnt think my needs were important, that cuddling werent part of sex. Ok, but Maybe I need to feel wanted and not used.

He thinks I should be able to read his mind. He said that. Yet, he said that he cant read mine and I should tell him what I want.

I told him his attitude could be better. He could act nicer. He said he couldnt be nice. He is now saying he just isnt a nice person. We have been discussing that this morning. He is mean and that is just how he is. He cant change himself. Well, I told him he is a nice person, that I have seen that in him. He said he wasnt.

Dont understand that.

He is stuck on a comment that I made when I found out he took flowers to some woman. I told him that I wondered if it was a mistake to let him come home. He said I shouldnt have been thinking like that. That it had come out of my mouth and thats all that mattered. I asked if the thought had crossed his mind. He said to a point, but it werent the same.

I felt underfire. I felt he was trying to blame me for everything and that he wanted me to hear how he felt and understand that, but that he didnt want to understand my feelings. That they mean nothing.

The one thing that I think bothered him is that his therapist basically said all of this was HIS fault. His thoughts and frustrations. I dont think he liked that. Maybe that is why he is blaming me.

I dont know what to do. I told him today that if he wanted to act mean and be miserable that was his choice, that I was gonna smile and be happy because that is MY choice. He thinks you cant choose to be either...that it is what it is.

Any thoughts? What stage is this??? What is going on now?

[kissak]

I also told him that I would like for him to do more with me and the kids. He said that he just didnt want to do stuff sometimes and it was ok to go without him> I told him I didnt like to go and do stuff without him. I felt like he should do stuff with us. He said "your not getting my point, If you want to go do something and I dont want to go, then go without me, its ok"

My point is we are a family. He should do stuff with us and the kids once and a while.

I also told him that he doesnt help around the house at all. He said he just had no desire but was trying. I told him that I had no desire, but I did it anyway. OR it wouldnt get done.

So much more was said. Even talked about him being lazy and always asking me to get him this or that when I was busy and he was doing nothing. I would NEVER do that to him. BUT he knows I will do it for him so he uses that. SO, last night he fixed his own drink and snack. I told him that I dont mind doing it, just he needed to do it for him self. Even helping around the house...although he said that is why we have kids. I told him we cant expect them to do everything and we sit around and do nothing.

His thinking is So messed up right now.

[PEI]

Kissak,

First, let me say that I can only imagine how hard this must be.

I felt underfire. I felt he was trying to blame me for everything and that he wanted me to hear how he felt and understand that, but that he didnt want to understand my feelings. That they mean nothing.

You were and he is. He is working through (with the help of his IC) all of the feelings he has going on right now. Those feelings are not not right or wrong, they are his and need to be validated. That does not mean “agreed with” or “approved of”. It’s not that your feelings mean nothing, he’s just not in a place where he can empathize yet.

I dont know what to do. I told him today that if he wanted to act mean and be miserable that was his choice, that I was gonna smile and be happy because that is MY choice. He thinks you cant choose to be either...that it is what it is.

Actions not words kissak. You do not need to SAY these things, you just need to do them.

I also told him that I would like for him to do more with me and the kids. He said that he just didnt want to do stuff sometimes and it was ok to go without him> I told him I didnt like to go and do stuff without him. I felt like he should do stuff with us. He said "your not getting my point, If you want to go do something and I dont want to go, then go without me, its ok"

My point is we are a family. He should do stuff with us and the kids once and a while.

Why don’t you like to do stuff without him? Do not fall into this trap kissak. Live YOUR life. Enjoy activities because they please you. Enjoy your kids. Do not live your life waiting for your H to want to do the things you want to do. So many women, wives, get stuck right here. Don’t let it happen. He’s right kissak. It is ok to go without him and it’s ok for him to not want to do something. Something I’ve learned ... nagging someone to go somewhere is never going to result in anyone having a good time. Now, you and the kids having fun and going about your lives just might ... eventually ... look fun enough to entice him into participating. Or not. Keep in mind the activities you choose too ...

And yes, he should want to do things with you and kids ... as a family those kinds of moments are important. Baby steps kissak. Be careful not to expect too much too soon.

Even talked about him being lazy and always asking me to get him this or that when I was busy and he was doing nothing. I would NEVER do that to him. BUT he knows I will do it for him so he uses that. SO, last night he fixed his own drink and snack. I told him that I dont mind doing it, just he needed to do it for him self.

Sounds to me like you DO mind doing it, so don’t tell him you don’t. That is confusing and contradictory. If you mind doing it, then don’t do it. He can’t use it you if you don’t let him.

His thinking is So messed up right now.

But it’s HIS thinking, and he doesn’t think so. Period. Right, wrong or indifferent, it is what it is.

IMO the advice you need is no different than the advice we give at any other time in the process ...

DETACH with love
Set fair boundaries
Be patient
Validate
GAL
Keep expectations to a minimum

Kissak, seems to me like you are still way dependant on H emotionally and you are letting yourself get sucked into the turmoil. Are you seeing an IC? What are you doing for YOU?

Peace
PEI

[kissak]

Thanks PEI

I am not in counseling but would like to go. I do read alot of self help books which I know is not the same. I do believe I am still dependant on my H emotionally. I dont know how to stop it. I am that way with anyone though. I dont like confrontation and I hate for anyone to be unhappy with me or anything I do. That is just me.

I also do go and do alot without him. I dont nag, but I always feel bad leaving him out even if thats what he wants. Occasionally I do like to do things as a family with him. The kids alway want to know why daddy cant or wont go either.

As far as him being lazy....well, Im a people pleaser I guess. If someone asks me to do something, if Im able, I do it. I have never minded doing these things for my H. BUT I do not like it when he asks me to do something when he is laying around and I am clearly busy. That was the point I was trying to get through to him.

I do act as happy as possible whether Im around him or not. I like to be around positive people too...its very hard to be happy around him, but I try!

TOday...he is texting me. Said he is an a--hole. I asked was he telling me or asking me? Now how do I validate that? I asked him why did he think he was an ahole, he replyed just because he was. OK, only when he wants to be is what I said. He replyed "whatever".

If you keep thinking negative, you will become a negative person.

He did not use to be this way at all. I miss him.

[LanceSijan]

I think PEI has given you excellent advice.

I also think marriage is a give and take.
You both have "needs",
he wants you to take care of his "needs".
Is he ready to take care of your "needs"?

This can not be a one way street.
If it is, then he is still in the tunnel, in some stage.

I am confused at this point whether there is/was an OW or not.
My "guess" is that the OW is gone and that your are rebuilding your marriage.
I can not be positive by what is written on these boards.

No matter what, you will not go wrong with what PEI has said.

Remember that your old H is gone.
This is a new model, whether it is improved yet I can not say.

Rebuilding does not mean that the crisis is over.
It just means that he may not be running away.

Is his IC suggesting any MC yet?

[kissak]

Thanks Lance....Im not sure he is ready to take care of my needs. So, what do I do about that? I can wait if that is the case. I can be patient.

I dont know if there is another woman. I know the one that he was involved with heavily when he first left is no longer in the picture. I know he has women friends...including the one he took flowers to...just being friendly he said.

I did ask him why he is alway on his cell phone texting. He said he used it as a distraction to everything. Sometimes it helped and sometimes it makes it worse.

I know my old H is gone. ANd I miss him. This new model though...if this is who he is going to be...I dont think I would have married someone like this.

I dont think his IC has recommended MC yet. I know my H doesnt want it, he doesnt think it works...didnt before was his thought. I wish she would recommend it though. She is a Family Counselor.

Wondering how I should handle him when he accuses me of doing things Im not doing. Like today, he sent me a text saying "what are you pretending to do" Meaning what was I doing at work...working or playing. I get that alot. I tell him Im working, he replys "whatever". His thing is Im at work all day and play on the computer. I have my own business. Some days it is very slow...when Ive done all I can do I get on the computer and do research for my business and I visit the boards too. I dont know how to answer his sarcasim sometimes.