Need some encouragement

[PEI]

Kissak,

First, let me say that I can only imagine how hard this must be.

I felt underfire. I felt he was trying to blame me for everything and that he wanted me to hear how he felt and understand that, but that he didnt want to understand my feelings. That they mean nothing.

You were and he is. He is working through (with the help of his IC) all of the feelings he has going on right now. Those feelings are not not right or wrong, they are his and need to be validated. That does not mean “agreed with” or “approved of”. It’s not that your feelings mean nothing, he’s just not in a place where he can empathize yet.

I dont know what to do. I told him today that if he wanted to act mean and be miserable that was his choice, that I was gonna smile and be happy because that is MY choice. He thinks you cant choose to be either...that it is what it is.

Actions not words kissak. You do not need to SAY these things, you just need to do them.

I also told him that I would like for him to do more with me and the kids. He said that he just didnt want to do stuff sometimes and it was ok to go without him> I told him I didnt like to go and do stuff without him. I felt like he should do stuff with us. He said "your not getting my point, If you want to go do something and I dont want to go, then go without me, its ok"

My point is we are a family. He should do stuff with us and the kids once and a while.

Why don’t you like to do stuff without him? Do not fall into this trap kissak. Live YOUR life. Enjoy activities because they please you. Enjoy your kids. Do not live your life waiting for your H to want to do the things you want to do. So many women, wives, get stuck right here. Don’t let it happen. He’s right kissak. It is ok to go without him and it’s ok for him to not want to do something. Something I’ve learned ... nagging someone to go somewhere is never going to result in anyone having a good time. Now, you and the kids having fun and going about your lives just might ... eventually ... look fun enough to entice him into participating. Or not. Keep in mind the activities you choose too ...

And yes, he should want to do things with you and kids ... as a family those kinds of moments are important. Baby steps kissak. Be careful not to expect too much too soon.

Even talked about him being lazy and always asking me to get him this or that when I was busy and he was doing nothing. I would NEVER do that to him. BUT he knows I will do it for him so he uses that. SO, last night he fixed his own drink and snack. I told him that I dont mind doing it, just he needed to do it for him self.

Sounds to me like you DO mind doing it, so don’t tell him you don’t. That is confusing and contradictory. If you mind doing it, then don’t do it. He can’t use it you if you don’t let him.

His thinking is So messed up right now.

But it’s HIS thinking, and he doesn’t think so. Period. Right, wrong or indifferent, it is what it is.

IMO the advice you need is no different than the advice we give at any other time in the process ...

DETACH with love
Set fair boundaries
Be patient
Validate
GAL
Keep expectations to a minimum

Kissak, seems to me like you are still way dependant on H emotionally and you are letting yourself get sucked into the turmoil. Are you seeing an IC? What are you doing for YOU?

Peace
PEI