Ominus Bonus

[steady]

Wow. That's a lot of interaction. Her 'knowing' she's right and you defending your point of view.

I've been dealing with this for years now WT. Of course, the first few years in the honeymoon stage was nice, but after that, her controlling and fault finding/criticism issues surfaced and my less-than/shame/passive issues came up and they mixed like gasoline and fire.

Of course this part of her personality wasn't this magnified but has increased every time I stand up and take care of myself by calling her on her shite and drawing/enforcing boundaries. The past two and a half years has been unbelievable.

I know she's doesn't treat other people like this and it's all aimed at me. I think this example shows how petty she's getting. The conflict above is the same basic blueprint of all the conflicts we had in our M.

You can imagine by reading her stuff up there how even the smallest thing was blown way out of proportion, then if I called her on it and showed her side of the dysfunction it would get twisted and turned around back on me. If I held my point she would inevitably say, "I'm done with this", and turn and walk away - dismissive. How I hated that! The psychologist who did the forensic analysis said it is one of the most disrespectful things you can do to someone.

The scary part is I watch her mother do it to her father all the time. And my W can't see she inherited all that cr@p from her mom no matter how many people point it out - including the psychologist, our first MC, second MC, me.

There I am still defending and explaining myself when it's her who was being so spiteful and vindictive about a box of pills.

You realize she's trying to be unreasonable, right?

I know she is. She's being unreasonable in basically every area concerning me.

The living arrangement seems to be not working. You're not only trying to co-parent, but you're both occupying the same house. At different times, but still, the same house. If you both were truly living apart, this conversation wouldn't be necessary. You would have what you needed when the kids were with you and she would do whatever it is she does when they're with her.

This is the first time, besides the bill paying, where something like this has even become an issue. When I get the house I usually scan for what we need then just go and pick it up. Sometimes she has a list going sometimes not.

I always run a list when things are done or low. Sometimes I even text her the list before she comes into the house on her weekends.

Why didn't your son tell you he preferred the pills instead of the chewable ones? If he told her, he can tell you.

I think he may have said it to her that night - she basically interrogates the kids when she gets them. He may have told her at an earlier date. He's 7 so it's not something he's going to press. He may have mentioned it to her but I give him one of those every morning and he's never mentioned it to me.

The bigger thing for me is if she knew, why didn't she tell me when this back and forth started? Like I wrote in the email I didn't send. She'll withhold stuff like that to make it harder on me.

It is clear to me why you two are headed in the direction you are. She's done.

You know, the "she's done" still stings a little. Do you really think she is? LMAO Now imagine me living with this woman and she can't understand why I drifted away over the years. I got tired of being hammered and criticized on a weekly basis. I often said to her - "Can't we go more than a week or two without you having to find some criticism or some fault about what I do?"

Granted, I know I had my part in the whole thing. I'm working on those issues.

She's not going to make things easy. She even said as much when you talked about all the court related issues - according to her, you know how to make it stop. Give her what she wants, until then she'll make you miserable and drain your finances.

Yup. She's all about the misery. The sad thing is she gets her energy out of exchanges like the email one. It's the victim role just like her mom. I gave her fuel to run for a while longer. I think that's why she always stirred up some drama every few weeks. I really believe it's what gives her a sense of identity. That every few week cycle has persisted even after we separated. It's been about a week or two with no waves and then this drama about the pills gets stirred up by her.

She's also got OM, so her energies are further spread out.

Not sure why this is a factor.

You're never going to be 'right' in her eyes. Nor should you try - that's circling the drain.

That's another thing which was pointed out by the psychologist. She has a POV of her doing no wrong and me doing no right. He nailed it. It's coupled with the fault finding/criticism issues she's carrying around. I understand it's a mechanism to protect herself from people seeing her 'faults' but the irony is it doesn't hide anything from anyone but herself.

He also wrote in his report she will have a hard time and made it difficult to co-parent because of these issues. He even recommended we go to counseling to work on those things in order to make co-parenting smoother. Without a court order what are the odds of her actually volunteering to do that? lol

That's one of the things I realized at the end of the email exchange. I'm sitting here defending myself and explaining to a person who is out of touch with reality. Someone who is so unreasonable and won't even own the simple fact her decision was made out of spite. She never did give a reason except it being 'my turn'.

My response to defend and explain is something I'm working on with the NMMNG stuff. Of course it takes time to pull it out.

But you are valid in your concerns. Do what is right by you and your kids. Maybe you 2 should switch from taking turns buying stuff to buying the stuff you and the kids need when you are together. That's probably unrealistic to be honest, I feel this sharing the house is making things more difficult. Is there another solution?

It has worked pretty well up until this one. The pressure is mounting and her stress level is sky-rocketing. After she told me she wanted a D in Jan 2008 she figured I'd be out of the house in 60 days, she would have the house and the kids and I'd be paying her child support.

Every move she has made to force what she wants has backfired on her. When she closed our joint account and tried to force me to pay the bills her way, I 'forced' her to put her name on all the house bills which were in my name only. I told her if she didn't do that I'd just cancel the services.

Now I control what bills each of us pay and I first have her pay the difference in our salary (she makes more than I do) and after that I split everything for house and kids 50/50. She absolutely hates this arrangement. She wants to split them according to our income ratio and I refused. That would leave me with no money at the end of each month. I told her if that was the agreement when we married I never would have had the bills we have because there's no way I'd live being broke every month. The way I have it set up is the same way we've always paid bills.

In the beginning of the month I drop off a spreadsheet outlining that month's payments and it always kicks her off into some kind of drama with me.

Her attempt to control the money backfired and I ended up in the position of controlling it. Her two attempts at getting an Order of Protection went nowhere. Her attempt to show my son has severe problems with the living arrangement was basically shot down when he did excellent in school, his psychiatrist said he was improving, his meds got cut back. I just talked to his current teacher and he actually said my son was the 'rock' in the classroom - just steady. Only issue is some daydreaming but he comes right back when prompted.

I spoke to his group therapist yesterday and she said he's doing great. Said he's improved so much in the past 8 months. His patience level is way up and he spent yesterday's session helping one of the kids who was having a hard time.

Now she's focusing on trying to 'prove' my daughter is having a hard time.

Got this email two days ago:

W to me:I am concerned about <daughter's> ability to cope with her life situation and would like for her to have someone to talk to, just like <son> already has. I spoke to Ann Marie at <son's group therapist> and she said <son's group therapist> is not able to assist <daughter> at this time due to scheduling and <daughter's> age.

I found a play therapist with a good reputation that used to work with <son's group therapist>. <son's group therapist> confirmed that she is good. Her name is <name> and she has an office at <address>. She is able to see <daughter> and said she feels confident that she can help <daughter> through this rough period.

As this is a matter concerning <daughter's> health and well-being, I am seeking your input and would like to know if you have any objections to this plan.

Talked to my L about it and this is what I sent back:

Me to W:I have a few problems with it. I think you should have spoken to me first before you took any action at all. I also think you should have not consulted with the therapist without me having the opportunity to be present. I have asked you in the past not to make unilateral decisions regarding our children. I would appreciate it if you respected that.

I have sent a message in to my lawyer and am awaiting his response. Until then I expect you not to take any further action as this is a co-parenting issue involving both of us.

Her comments regarding the legal stuff bothers me, for some reason.WT

Any elaboration on this? She has acted as if she has some entitlement for what she wants. In the past she would be in disbelief when she told me to leave a number of times and I refused to move out of the house and leave my kids. It was like she had a POV as if it should just be done because she said it.

It's obvious to me she is trying to get my D into a therapy situation so she can say my D is now in therapy because of the arrangements we have. Our court date is on October 12 and she asked me in a separate email if I got her email concerning this issue. She went on to say the therapist needs an answer ASAP. So here's the big rush and push by her.

Obviously legal maneuving and not a real concern about our D. Our D is doing just fine. She had some separation anxiety since July but it's not bad at all. After a few minutes she's fine. She's a happy joyful 4 year old with typical 4 year old behaviors.

The psychologist even commented in his report based on a recording my W sent in to try to 'nail' me that my W is willing to use the kids as pawns.

It's a sad situation.