How should I handle MLC direct lying?

[WhatNow]

Wanting out, wanting it to end, NOW, are common feelings among us LBS's.

So do I go NC and then say "I won't have a relationship with you unless..."? Or say it and then go NC?

The word "unless" is controlling. Until 'implies' you are waiting, maybe. "while you are behaving inappropriately as a husband." would work.... I like the way I originally said it. "I will not have a relationship until... " Don't get into a relationship conversation about it. Just say it, 2 or 3 times if you have to and end the convo.
When do you say it? You could wait till he says "why aren't you replying?" But then you'd have to break your NC. I would send an email with the single statement, and leave it at that. Then he can read it over and over til he gets it.

NC means NC. It also means no indirect contact, which is even harder to achieve. Indirect contact includes, Hearing about him from others, Looking at his FB, and even thinking about what he is up to. Working on these though will get you to peace more quickly.

Dating? Are you married? Do married people date others? How will that help your marriage? I can't answer those for you, but I will tell you my answers and what they mean to me. I am married. Even though my H is acting like a douche, I am sane -well, mostly!- and I believe my vows said something like 'forsaking all others'. Until H D's me, I intend to keep the vow I made, even if he is not keeping his. I also vowed 'all the days of my life' as opposed to 'unless you act like jerk and break some vows.'

[amg2]

PEI: My motives for dating would be mostly out of boredom. Somewhat to keep me occupied (is that the same as boredom?). And for the sake of 'having someone' as I put it. Do I think this is all a great idea? No. Do I think I would be jumping the gun personally? Yes. But it's still somethng I sometimes want to pursue. Not to get into a serious R. Not to "use" someone. Not to have casual S. Just to have contact w someone of some kind.

WhatNow: I REALLY like the "while you're behaving inappropriately". I'll use that when needed. I like it even better when you refer to your H as "acting like a douche" Made me smile. As far as dating/marriage vows: I really feel/felt the exact same way. I'm married and off limits. BUT...I think I've emotionally divorced him or something. I don't know what's going on yet. I don't really even believe in D. So if I have a piece of paper saying I'm D, it means less to me than my own feelings. Very hard to explain.

Question: we still have contact w many mutual friends. These friends are crucial to my support system. How do I handle that? What if we see each other at an outing/get together?

THANK YOU AGAIN

[WhatNow]

I am sure you can find a way to share activities with others, without violating your commitment, and hurting someone else. How to do tell a potential date you are standing? Uh... I am married, my marriage is in limbo and I want to use you for companionship until my H stops being a dufus. ??? Instead, try looking for activities you are interested in. Try meetup.com They will have a variety of things. In my area, there are foodies that try different restaurants, wine tasters, book clubs, hiking and biking groups, jazz groups and so on. I like to volunteer. Nursing home, animal shelter, some fundraising, and more recently, a congressional campaign. Lots of ways to take the edge off the loneliness.

I'm married and off limits. BUT...I think I've emotionally divorced him or something. I don't know what's going on yet.

This may be that you have reached a level of detachment, or that you are repressing. Read up on detachment...it is a good thing, but is a scary thing at first. I was very worried..."why don't I care anymore" after working on it! duh...
Click herefor a good article on it.

As far as the friends go, if they bring up H, tell them you'd like a break and would appreciate not having to discuss H for awhile and you definitely don't want info about him for awhile. If you run into H? Smile, be cordial, and walk away. "HI! How are you? Good to see you! Bye." After I was NC for awhile, (and more detached) i was able to step out of it and become dark and even dim. I still find contact sometimes getting too much and I duck back under!

[Truegritter]

Nothing to add to these fine folks amg.

Obiwan Kanobi has said it all ^^^^

Try not to define your M by what H is doing today.

Try not to define your standing by that either.

It follows that you will not define yourself by the craziness of what H is doing either.

Somewhere in this mess is Amg. The Amg before this started and now

an amg that has had to endure a tragedy.

How would you define her today and going forward?

Your M won't survive this if you hang it on what your H is doing and deciding today...

I will not waste space here telling you why you should try to save your M by standing through this mess.

If you are here posting then you have it inside you.

[amg2]

Question: with "no contact", does that mean no happy birthday wish on his birthday? Seems kind of mean...but if we're not in each other's lives no sure why I'd say happy birthday anyway. Just curious.

Thanks

[Twink]

AMG, I am very dim with my H, but I still acknowledged his birthday with a simple text. I would do at least that much for a friend. A simple "Happy Birthday!" will suffice.

[Truegritter]

Amg

Going dark is for you.

Not a tactic. Not a game.

Not to punish.

If you want to wish him Happy B-day. Do it.

Don't have any expectations for any of the communication you initiate or allow.

A good guide is: How much pain does it cause you to have communication?

If you feel it hurts when you communicate or that you can't do it without anger, spite, etc.

Then don't.

This is for you.

[amg2]

When do you say it? You could wait till he says "why aren't you replying?" But then you'd have to break your NC.

Well I didn't follow WhatNow's advice. I went from dark to NC over the last week or so w/o warning. I got a text this morning saying "Are you no longer wanting to talk to me?".

Now the dilemmma to respond or not. Thinking I'll use the "while you're not being an appropriate husband" type wording. Bad timing b/c I feel pretty done (but very sad) and saw a lawyer this week.

Advice? Suggestions now that I didn't follow the original advice?!

Thanks

[TimeHeals]

Advice? Suggestions now that I didn't follow the original advice?!

I'm not popular here, and I could be wrong, so take this with a grain of salt, but I know what I would do.

I would wait a day or two (and if you get more of these) and then say, "Look, we're not going to be 'buddies'".

That lays a boundary without a lot of R talk. I won't be your emotional support while you chose to live like you are living now.

[Truegritter]

Amg

What is your intent for going no contact?

What is your goal?