Blew a gasket on H tonight. Couldn't help it. I was upset and yelled at him that I didn't choose this, he did. He said he isn't against me. I said then what are you, for me? He said I don't know, that's why I'm going to counseling. I'm trying. I said trying what? He's not trying anything.
I feel like we've gone right back to where we were 4 years ago. He's back to blaming me again, for the past, for the wrong in our marriage BEFORE we separated the first time. Saying he just can't get all of that negativity and resentment towards me out of his head.
I'm so screwed up right now. I'm so lost and confused. I fixed everything that was an issue with me before. I became the person he fell in love when we first met. I can't believe we are right back where we were. The last 4 years of him telling me how happy he was with us, how wonderful our marriage was, was all a lie?
He told me tonight that he has every reason to have these negative feelings...I spoke of how badly he has hurt me now...he said oh yeah, you've never hurt me. So I said ok, I deserve to be cheated on? I deserve to be lied to constantly? I deserve to be the only female in your life who didn't know the truth? I deserve for all these other women to know you were unhappy but I'm the one left in the dark?
Seriously, WTF am I dealing with here? I'm losing it...I am so SICK of crying. I swear this hurts worse now than it did 4 years ago. I thought I was a strong person but I feel so weak and helpless right now.
