Not sure where to start or end, WAW - #2

[john28]

On a serious note here, I want to understand from some other LBS if what I'm feeling is natural or a little overkill.

I can go about 2 days tops without having some meaningful conversation with my W, or seeing her. Even if I do go that long, there are what I'll call "outbreaks". I don't know any other word to use.

During these outbreaks, I suddenly feel the most intense urge and feeling I've ever felt that I NEED my W. Like something is terribly wrong with me. Very wrong. Like she is slipping away from me. I get pretty anxious. Then I either can brush it off, or I burst into tears.

This can happen anywhere, anytime of day. It's happened at work and I've had to close my office door while I sat there and cried for about 2 minutes. Then I'm done.

A lot of the times, I will call her. Act happy and chipper to her at that time, probably because I'm projecting. I want to know that she's happy or happy to hear from me. Sometimes she is, and that makes my day. But if she isn't I go into a mini deep depression.

This happens about 3 times a day. I can usually shrug it off 2/3 times. Others, I break and either call her, or wallow in my own pity.

This has been happening for 4 months now, and she left 1 month ago. I'm still having these episodes. Is this normal? Any similar stories?

Currently I'm on two different anti-depressants. Before I went on my second, it was completely out of hand... 10 times a day and more intense.

The problem is I listen to what you guys say, I REALLY do. I WANT TO LET GO. I really really really do!! I KNOW IT'S THE ONLY CHANCE TO SAVE MYSELF AND MY MARRIAGE. I don't want to feel this anymore. I just feel like I'm some kind of abnormal case. I look back at Pinhead, who started this crap the same day I did. He was able to let go early, and now has a decent shot at his M. I wish I could have done that, I really do. I see all these others on the boards who can let go so easily, or so quickly, and I'm stuck here on this stupid train I can't seem to get off of. I feel like something isn't right.

And... rereading my post just now before I clicked submit has sent me into another "episode". Is what I'm feeling normal?

See, I know the only way to get this done is to let go. I have tried. Somewhat successfully for only a few days (3 tops). Then I am overcome with anxiety for some reason and just when my letting go is having an affect on my W, I do something to screw it all up. At first I thought it was patience. Now I'm not so sure.

She's said before all she wants is consistency. I know what doesn't work - begging, pleading, calling, texting. I know what does work - letting her go, ushering this separation along, giving her space. And just when I get good at doing the things that work for a few days, I go back to the sh!t that doesn't work. She notices that. She doesn't like that I'm not consistent, and I think at one point she said, "If you were just consistent I would know that I could trust you and then maybe I could consider coming home".