I want to thank you for the EXCELLENT advise you gave!! You need to give yourself credit!
if you want to know how i dish the advise and 2x4s, you can check out my posts to someone by the alias 'lostnhurt'. he's a father of twin girls. badly in need of a kick in the pants. i think i got him moving down the right path.
the only time i give advice is when someone comes to me for it. several pages back on this thread, i said that people come to me for career mentoring. in general, i don't mentor them in their careers. i mentor them on life. i have a simple philosophy in life and that is to think of others, share your joy, find your passion, and be curious. these things will get you far in life. it certainly has done well for me.
Quote:
You do pretty good with the 2 x 4s.lol. I need to "confess" and yet--ugh--so embarassing! Enough about me!
hehe. sometimes i don't know my own strength when it comes to the 2x4. i'll pop over to your thread when you have an update.
Quote:
What's been happening??
a lot of thinking on my part. questions like .. what is important to me? what did i make the decisions that i made? (ie. staying as opposed to going home) what do i really want? why do you want to be with someone who is hell bent on divorce and leaving you destitute .. someone who values things over you?
i still haven't figured out what's important to me .. it's not a question i want to answer right away. what's important to me today, may not be important to me tomorrow. so i need time to figure that out.
my home designer asked me why i stayed in a city where i didn't have any family. the decision to stay away from family and friends was a calculated decision on my part. people expected me to run home and seek comfort with my family. to me, that would have made me look weak. and i was not going to come out of this looking weak. yeah, i could have moved across the country to another city but that would still be running away and hiding. so i stayed. i will show you. i'm not going to go down like a defeated warrior in mortal kombat.
when i have my low moments, it's because the human side of me is hurting. my siblings are not very supported of me staying where i am. i know what i am doing is the right thing. i don't 'feel' that it's the right thing. i know it is. i grew up trusting my own instincts and it has never led me down the wrong path. as much as my family disapproves, i hope they will understand one day why i did what i did. my mom understands but my siblings? not really. and that stings .. as i am quite close to them.
i'm still thinking about this whole db-ing thing. i think i'm ready to give up saving my m. and focus on saving me. there are moments where i wish we could just get this d over with and not drag things out. i'm tired of sitting here waiting for the d papers to be served. that's like waiting for the reaper to come. that's not the way i want to live.
Please continue to try to save your M!!! Take it from someone who hasn't got a chance in HECK of getting their M back, that it still makes me feel good inside to know I have done/am doing everything I can do/think of.
Did a 180 for me and tried begging this a.m.! Rant, and more rant, about how selfish I am. How done he is.
I will wait and moniter results. I am still in control me in this sitch. It doesn't take away anything and I am proud of me for not getting caught up in the rejection. *I* have really come a long, long way.
You're a tough girl--will his rejection really take something away from you?
you asked me way back ago .. whether i wanted to be married or whether i want to be right.
i wish i wasn't vague with you lauraoh but stuff has happened recently that is making me 'right' without me doing anything. h has an ego the size of texas and after all this time, he's not seeing the err in his ways. it's all emotional for him.
the only example i can give .. is like me saying 2+2 is 4 and my h is arguing that it's 2+2 is 5. even though we all know that 2+2 is 4, he will fight me because he simply doesn't want me to be right. these kinds of battles are not worth fighting and you know how stupid you look when you claim that 2+2 is 5?
i've had too many people tell me that i'm better off without him. a guy like that will never change and be a loser for the rest of his life.
a smart and strong girl deserves someone better than this. he had it good and didn't know it. now he's just grasping at straws to save face. he doesn't miss me .. this entire time while he was in his own little world, he wrote a thesis to prove that 2+2 is 5. i don't know anybody who wastes that much time on something so petty.
i have no words. i'm embarrassed that i married such an arse.
that's why. this m was never about love, commitment, trust, or friendship. it was pure selfish greed on his part. it was evident from day 1 of our marriage.
Quote:
A smart and strong girl knows what she wants.
i want to be happy. i want to be self-sufficient financially.
on the married vs. right question. i wanted to be married. but now i rather be right. because i don't want to be married to a jerk.
if he sees the exact same thing, then why are we here?
i was livid at the end of my meeting. why? because i was right all along. h drags everyone on this wild goose chase .. and in the end, what happens? i'm still right. he hates that i'm right. but i'm not going to bow down and say "yes, you're right .. 2+2 is 5. i was wrong." it's simple math.
i'm silent because the ball is in my court. no. i'm not going to meet with him. i have some important decisions to make on my own. it's too late to negotiate. he had his chance and he chose his own fate. there are no second chances. it's too late.
happy is not allowing myself to be affected by this sitch the way it has. i understand that it's a feeling. and i'm responsible for how i feel. no one made me feel this way.
but more on this later.
Quote:
NASCAR..
That makes me happy.
i thought you didn't like sports? i don't get NASCAR. you drive around the oval over and over and over and over and over and .. well, you get the picture.
Quote:
The ball is in your court.
What will you do with the ball?
you hit it back like tennis. now that's a sport. but the ball goes back and forth .. back and forth .. back and forth .. well, you get the picture.
Quote:
I suspect.. I should give you the "48 hrs". That is the DB thing to do.
So..
Where do we go from here?
What is your goal?
i'm using the entire 48 hrs before i answer this. i've been thinking and over-thinking this.
Quote:
I am so looking forward to this!!!!
Don't let me down!
don't put pressure on me!
i need to journal a bit ..
what a long day. i had to make it down to the DMV before noon today. then i went to see the progress of my home. it's a giant hole right now. i went grocery shopping and the wine store. when i got to the grocery store, i got out of the car and i thought i got a glimpse of h leaving the grocery store. i don't think he saw me because i only saw the back of his head. at first, i wasn't even sure if it was him. i got home and a few minutes later, h pulled in. i got my groceries and wine .. and walked to the door to take the stairs to my apartment. it's odd .. my heart didn't race. the wine was for the mushroom risotto i made tonight. i haven't made risotto in a while. it was quite good. tomorrow night will be salmon on spinach salad. i stopped eating salads the last few months because i was on a weight gaining mission. i still am but there is something about simple food.
sunday also means weight training class. i'm looking forward to this class.
I don't watch the driving in circles. But.. if you stand at the top of the venue and listen to the sound.. it is really hard not to get involved. Something to be said about thousands of horsepower just running by. It is impressive. I still like the eating and drinking more.
"you hit it back like tennis. now that's a sport. but the ball goes back and forth .. back and forth .. back and forth .. well, you get the picture."
But in your picture you are hitting back line drives. Tennis.. is a game of finesse. Is it not?
You put "English" on the ball.. to make you opponent go where you want them. Or did I miss something?
Any "game".. any sport.. is all about being smarter. Those are the people that win.
"i'm using the entire 48 hrs before i answer this. i've been thinking and over-thinking this."
Well you are late.
"don't put pressure on me!"
You have had enough free time. Someone needs to get a reaction from you.
"got my groceries and wine .. and walked to the door to take the stairs to my apartment. it's odd .. my heart didn't race."
Did he "see" it?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
But in your picture you are hitting back line drives. Tennis.. is a game of finesse. Is it not?
yes it is. serve and volley, and the awesome inside out forehand. i've asked a tennis pro at the squash club to teach me how to do it next summer.
Quote:
You put "English" on the ball.. to make you opponent go where you want them. Or did I miss something
you're right. you cut the ball, giving it backspin, so when it lands, it just dies while your opponent is trying to make a mad dash to get to it.
Quote:
You have had enough free time. Someone needs to get a reaction from you.
here's a blurb: figuring out what i want .. was probably the most difficult part of this process.
i didn't cry when the bomb was dropped. but during the time that i spent figuring out what i wanted, i was a complete basket case.
i worked on several drafts of what i was going to post. but every draft was emotionally charged and full of finger-pointing. on the umpteenth try .. i got as far as this:
Q: do i want to be right or do i want to be married? A: that question is like asking me whether i want to die by lethal injection or firing squad. i don't want my old marriage. a new marriage to h? you carry the baggage with you to your new m. can i let it go? i have shown so far that after 9 months, the anger is still raw and abundant. i don't want to be in a marriage where i'm constantly looking over my shoulder. and what does being right get me? being right got me dumped and alone. and likely be for the rest of my life. as catastrophic as that sounds, i'm not sure if i want another r. i would not want a repeat of this. i know you might think that it won't happen if i do the work, but everyone is different and the next r may bring out other things that causes the r to fail. i don't want to go through life fixing myself after every failed r.
Q: what do i want? A: i want to build the life i wanted. it started with the house. i started to work on the life i wanted when i bought the house. that was step 1 for me. i was tired of wondering what to do. sometimes when the opportunity is there, you have to go for it.
after all these years of not enjoying the 'fruits of my labour', this house represents what i worked so hard for. i want to continue working on my career, take courses, and choose my contracts wisely. my life was just fine before i got married. there was nothing wrong with it. i worked hard, and most importantly, i started to achieve my dreams. i had two cars, in the process of buying an apartment, student loans were paid off, i was debt free and supporting my parents. i enjoyed my bachelorette-hood. life was good.
marriage was a bad thing for me. i had a new set of dreams and nothing came true. i had dreams of having a family. i had dreams of becoming a mother. i sacrificed my career goals because i wanted the job of being a mother. at the end of this marriage, what did i achieve? nothing. now that i'm being given the pink slip, it's probably is a blessing in disguise.
as soon as i got out of that marriage, i started achieving my dreams again. i became a better squash player - which i never thought would happen. i focused on it and i got better and better. i wanted to be a home owner again. i'm getting there - i can't say i have achieved it until i get the keys.
i'm at peace with the fact that i may never have a family of my own and i may never have a shot at the job of being a mother. it's actually okay. there are other things on my wish list that need to be crossed off. i want to work on my career aspirations. i want to step up in my career. earn more and maybe a different role. i've been contracting for a while but maybe it's time to go back to full time employment and snag a management position. i think i'd make a great manager. eventually, i want to be able to travel again - there are so many places that i want to go. San Fran, Australia, Hawaii, Japan. i'm pretty disciplined with my spending. i understand that i have to give up some 'nice-to-haves' for the time being and i've learned to live without a lot of things. but when i am able to indulge a bit, i'd sure like to have a spa day. i've never had one. EVER. i think being pampered is probably the first thing i want to achieve. to be able to experience a day at the spa.
that is what makes me smile and happy.
at one point, i said that life is fun and it feels wrong to be enjoying all this fun by myself. it's meant to be shared. instead of waiting around or looking for someone to share it with, i'm just going to enjoy it for what it is.
i don't know if that answers your question FG.
Quote:
"got my groceries and wine .. and walked to the door to take the stairs to my apartment. it's odd .. my heart didn't race."
Did he "see" it?
i don't know. i didn't look at him. i think he got out of his car by the time i was in visible range. i'm sure he saw the wine though. what would she be doing with a full size bottle of wine? she doesn't drink much. hmm i wonder what she bought.
these games aren't fun and i'm not good at it. it's time to stop and work on me. the m is not worth saving anymore.
journaling .. i'm back in counselling again. this time, i didn't yell. i just talked through things. i needed it. i wanted to stop the anger in its tracks. i wanted to stop myself from making an emotional decision.
it has calmed me and i can move forward with a smart decision rather than an emotionally charged one.
i want to come out of this with my dignity intact. i know what the right thing to do is. stay true to who i am. what i stand for. by doing this, i will have my dignity and i will not be a doormat.
btw, squash league was SO good. i lost a bunch of games but i don't care. it was challenging on the body. i hurt today but it's just soreness to remind me that i made an effort. i may be near the bottom of the rankings but this just means i can only get better and work my way up.
i'll pop over to your thread when you have an update.