How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks Kara.

The operative words in your reply are "should you both decide that you want to work on the marriage". Especially "both". Despite the advice in the DR book that it "takes one to tango", I feel I've come to the end of the road on that, for the present. Nothing but tangled brushwood ahead. I'll have to get out the machete and hack out a path onwards.

I was very focussed at first on my own pain, but now that I've calmed down a bit, I'm beginning to worry very much for my kids. My H seems to think that as long as they're not dossing from school, stealing cars and attacking old ladies, everything is going swimmingly. They've always been a little in awe of their Dad's short temper, and so don't act up with him, but I'm seeing temper tantrums, concentration problems at school, bad dreams and even outbursts of anger from my quiet 13-yr old. He's not seeing this, and when I've said it, he seems to take it as me laying on the violins to make him feel guilty. They feel let down by him, cut off from him. I'm worried for them AND for him; he was very proud of his children, but apart from buying them things and taking them on jaunts now (2 out of 3, only), he's keeping his distance and not giving them fatherly affection and support. If this situation becomes entrenched - he's got freedom and a "fold-up family" for part of every second week, the single life, so I'm afraid it will - he'll grow away from them entirely.

Will it get to the point where he doesn't feel connected to them any more? I know our marital bond was different, but it was very strong for a long time, yet he seems to have let it slip off him so easily, never to feel any need of it now, although I know that despite what he's said recently, it was very important to him in the past.

I'm also wondering about myself. I have friends, though not many close ones (I'd rather put all my eggs into the husband and family basket) and my own family (in Ireland). But I do feel the need of company. I've started work in a new school environment, a very close-knit team, very welcoming. There's a colleague who's showing some interest; I'm friendly, no more, but (I can write it here, you can all be shocked, but that's what this is for, airing questions) I'm finding that I like this interest. What if I get asked out? Do I flee like Cinderella, leaving a shoe on the stairs? I love my husband, but he doesn't want that love. I'm lonely and crushed. I don't honestly know if I'd resist the temptation to date if it came my way. After all, that's what he's up to. But two wrongs never made a right, I'd be doing wrong. I feel as if my life is suspended in mid-air.What are your (plural) feelings and rules about dating while "getting a life"?

Don't worry, I know in my heart of hearts that I'm too old-fashioned and still in love with my husband to become a femme fatale. But I was flirted with definitely this afternoon, and it made me feel good. Do I avoid this fellow like the plague from now on or what? It certainly boosted my confidence a little.
NCU