Not sure where to start or end, WAW - #2

[KellBell0820]

John, good job on calling and scheduling the mediation. I have to agree with the block her on facebook advice, best thing I ever did. Your plans with your son sound great! Have a good time with him!

[john28]

I curious what everyone thinks here given my pseudo-blog of nearly 160 pages at this point. What are my % chances of busting this D, if I end up WANTING to, if I do the following?

1) Go dark, but remain CCC - calm, collected & cool
2) Speed through mediation as fast as I can and give her what she's been asking for these past 4 months (not monetarily, but giving her a S agreement)
3) Staying dim after S agreement
4) GAL, and really GAL.
5) Waiting for her to bring up R talk and anytime it comes up have the set script that I don't want to talk about our past R. Only a new one whatever that is.
6) Dating? I'm not sure about this one, I don't think I'll be ready for a long time.

I kind of feel like I've got a better chance than the average bear.

[Steve McQueen]

I'm pretty sure I'm in the power seat when it comes to spousal support.

I also want to add that she plays the emotional blackmail when it comes to spousal support - "How could I ever be with a man who wants to only support his W who stayed home for their entire marriage for only 2.5 years? That's not the person I want to be with, you don't value or respect me."

In your mind it is emotional blackmail in her's it may just be
MORE OF THE SAME BEHAVIOR.

From your first thread:

Maybe I wasn't clear enough. I was absent. I wasn't a good father (not because she told me, because I know it). I wasn't supportive enough for my family and picked myself over them many times, both monetarily and attention wise. I think that changes the situation on why she would seek outside "approval"

Now you are father of the year? Deserve 50/50 custody? Lower child support payments? Putting your career on hold to raise children while your husband advances in his and golf 3 times a week doesn't add up to a hill of beans in your eyes? Hmmm......

Divorce threats as a Last Resort Technique then verbal pokes and punches when it doesnt go your way.
Who is emotionally blackmailing who?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I think people get confused here b/c the title of the books and website names.

DBing goes beyond saving your M. Folks here need to know the that DBing is more about saving yourself. Regardless of the end result, we will be in a much better place than we were when we arrived here.

Do all those things do bust the D is fine but if your not doing them for the right reasons you will never be happy.

[john28]

Steve - quickly, I agree 100% with you. We're both doing it to each other.

As far as more of the same from me regarding spousal support, I agree 100% that is what she sees. But, how do I protect myself when she wants 6-8 years of alimony for a 4 year M when the standard in my state is 2 years? Would YOU give her 6-8 years? How would I make this not be more of the same? ANYTHING I do to protect myself and give her what in the eyes of the law and my pocketbook is FAIR is NOT what she will see as loving and supporting... I have a feeling there is no way I can't not do 'more of the same' unless I give her EXACTLY what she wants.

She feels entitled to that, and frankly I don't want to be paying her alimony 4 years down the road when I'm drained financially and emotionally watching my kid hang all over some other guy she's with - which would be more than ME, HIS FATHER, if she gets what she wants (more than 50%). So, what would you do to prevent "more of the same"?

I've never claimed to be father or husband of the year. Never. She's never claimed to be wife of the year, but she has said she is mother of the year. Hmm. After she takes my S4 to meet several different OM, let's my SON hang all over some dudes, takes PICTURES of it??? My SON STILL REMEMBERS THAT. Then probably talks on the phone with several OM saying God knows what about me within earshot of my son? That doesn't entitle her to more than 50%.

The past 4 months I have been nothing but super Dad. I am a good Father. Previously, I was a sometimes absent good Father.

I only ask this because you give some valid good constructive criticism. So, what would you do?

[soleil]

She feels entitled to that, and frankly I don't want to be paying her alimony 4 years down the road when I'm drained financially

And this is why mediation/Ls are so important.

Child support is a separate issue. John, just because she WANTS 6-8 years of alimony doesn't mean she's going to get it.

Hell, I want a million dollars right now ::closing my eyes really hard... opening them::... nope. Nothing. Damn. Well, at least I can wish, right?

Keep your head up. I know it seems like we give you a lot of sh-t but we do have your best interest and want you to regain your peace of mind and self-respect here. You can and will do it if you choose to.

[john28]

Soleil, that's what I'm saying. I don't want to give her 6-8 years, but if I don't she will definitely see more of the same (absent, selfish, uncaring, unsupportive). Please, if you can answer my questions in my previous post.

[Lotus]

While she does seem to offer her love for sale, I am very sure that you cannot buy her love.

[CityGirl]

You are confusing "wants" with the law. We all want lots of things but it doesn't mean we are going to get them. You cannot control what your W thinks or feels. If she sees you as selfish and uncaring then she does. She wants the dime she needs to put in the time... a four year marriage is not long at all. She is crazy if she thinks she is "entitled" to anymore than 2 (or 2.5 years). She just needs somebody to be angry at and that will be you.

It's no fun when the WAS has their bubble burst and they realize being a single parent and struggling financially isn't all that. She had options but chose not to take them. Her choice. Instead of taking accountability for her choice(s) she will blame you for being uncaring because you won't pay for her to live for longer than you were married.

[MakingProgress]

I agree with Soleil. She needs to hear from a third party professional that her expectations are not realistic, or even appropriate.