Ominus Bonus

[whiskey.tango]

I'm not sure why I am still cycling on this stuff, on her, on her with OM, on all of it. You would think someone who has endured her barrage of what I can often say is just evil and vindictive behavior wouldn't be cycling around in the emotions.

It must be serving you some purpose or you wouldn't be doing it. So, what could it be?

I wanted to prove my rightness and I wanted to beat her up a little bit. I'd rather not have any of those desires. I'd rather just not care at all one way or the other.

Why? Once you are 'right' what do you do with that? Take the high road, dear friend, like you have so many other times. Would you rather be right or be happy? You want to hurt her like she's hurt you - you have allowed her to hurt you. Stop playing the game. You know what works for you, what takes you to your higher self.

Those desires don't just creep into your head and force you to react. You allow them.

It sounds like that whole conversation (email, text, whatever) was doomed from the start and you knew it. And in the end, you still ended up paying for your son's meds. You could have saved many minutes of bullchit just by going there from the start. Did you really make a point with her, did she learn anything new? No, she once again was able to be a pain in the balls until she got what she wanted anyway.

Quit beating yourself up, you're getting caught by her crap less and less. Learn and move on. But also consider giving my first comment up there a bit more thought. This whole 'dance' is serving some purpose in your life - and only you know what that is.....

WT

[steady]

Steady

I could not help but respond to this post as I have cycled as well.

I am having an influx of all kinds of feelings. Anger, regret, loss, fear.

All normal IMO. Deep down inside you still love her and hence you are going through these period where your emotions are all over the place. Ya know what it is okay to still love her. Separate the actions from the person and change how you are looking at this interaction.

I'm not sure about separating the person from the actions. I understand it's not the totality of what she is, but it is still how she is right now toward me. I'm sure this type of behavior isn't aimed at anyone else. I'm the target. So on the one hand I know there's a person in there with a lot of good qualities, but I also realize the reality of her behavior right now.

I've absorbed a sizable amount of debt due to the legal costs and the D process hasn't even started yet.

Boy do I know what you are talking about. I’m down 7K and we have had ONE meeting with the attnys. IMO – you are going to have to ask yourself a very hard question….Are you fighting for what you really believe in OR is there some small part of YOU that is trying to MAKE HER realize the consequences of her choice. If it is the later, then ask yourself…is that Steady’s job? Her choices are HER’s – IMO, it is not the LBS’s role to try and HELP them realize the consequences. The consequences will happen as they are suppose to happen.

I'm sure of my intentions. I have no desire to teach her a lesson. I want my kids. We went through a whole forensic analysis with a Clinical Psychologist and he gave me a ton of time with the kids. She offered me nothing even close to his recommendation. If you read back in my thread you'll see the details of it.

I'm over 12k in all on credit cards. I'm looking at another 4-5k at least for this 3rd attempt at getting a court order against me. All to try and force what she wants. All wasted money.

Teaching her a lesson isn't even a thought when it comes to this legal stuff. For me, it's all about fighting for my kids. And fight I will. I don't care about the house, the money, the things - they're all replaceable. But time with my children is not.

As I was typing out a response to her last email, I just suddenly realized how stupid it was to have gone where we ended up over a $27 box of pills.]/quote]
SO now you realized how stupid it was….a very simple solution – do better the next time.

I let myself get pulled in to her game and I'm disappointed in myself.

Your not super man…so ya made a mistake. I guess that makes you human. So, recognize what it is/was and do better the next time.

I know. The disappointment in myself isn't really that deep. But the energy drain is exhausting. My disappointment is even caring enough to get pulled into it in the first place.

I wanted to prove my rightness and I wanted to beat her up a little bit. I'd rather not have any of those desires. I'd rather just not care at all one way or the other.

AH….anger….hate it don’t ya. I do too, BUT we have to feel it. Just remember, it is HOW WE deal with it that matters.

Anger, the poison we drink waiting for the other person to die. Again, I don't want it.

Stop fighting the love that you still have for her. Stop letting pride and anger drive your interactions. Change how you look at this. Think of it as an opportunity to learn something about yourself as oppose to a bad interaction.

I'm not sure what I have for her anymore. If there's love it's been driven way deep inside of me. It's mostly anger.

Are you still fighting the natural flow of life? Are you still fighting this?

No doubt about it. I know I wouldn't be in the position I've been in for the past few days if I wasn't fighting reality. But knowing and doing are two completely different things. It's getting to the doing where it's all the way into my marrow - that's what I want.

I am watching myself move through the process of the fighting/letting go cycle. It's not happening outside of my awareness. I'm cognitive of it.

[steady]

I'm not sure why I am still cycling on this stuff, on her, on her with OM, on all of it. You would think someone who has endured her barrage of what I can often say is just evil and vindictive behavior wouldn't be cycling around in the emotions.

It must be serving you some purpose or you wouldn't be doing it. So, what could it be?

Ah always the deeper question. I would imagine it's allowing me to play the victim on some level. A way to feel sorry for myself and have a pity party.

It's also triggering shame and abandonment issues I'm currently working to overcome.

I would also imagine it gives me a feeling of somehow being superior to her. All about unhealthy 'validation'.

I'm also sure there's a residual component of still looking for validation from her. Working on it.

I wanted to prove my rightness and I wanted to beat her up a little bit. I'd rather not have any of those desires. I'd rather just not care at all one way or the other.

Why? Once you are 'right' what do you do with that? Take the high road, dear friend, like you have so many other times. Would you rather be right or be happy? You want to hurt her like she's hurt you - you have allowed her to hurt you. Stop playing the game. You know what works for you, what takes you to your higher self.

There's nothing to do with that. Once I really saw that reality I sent the last email. The whole thing did nothing but cause damage. I believe I ended the interaction from a higher road then the one I was on. Seeing the stupidity of what was happening and just ending it - but not in a dismissive hurtful way toward her. Rather a statement of the nonsense we were involved in.

Yes I have allowed it. But I don't see a light switch to turn off the triggering. All I know is I trigger, I finally see I've triggered, I work to end the triggering. In the process the hurt has already landed.

Those desires don't just creep into your head and force you to react. You allow them.

I think the desires come of their own accord. The second part, the decision to react is the control point. I'm trying to overcome decades of negative thinking and reacting and it's taking me time. I've come a long way and still have more distance to cover.

It sounds like that whole conversation (email, text, whatever) was doomed from the start and you knew it. And in the end, you still ended up paying for your son's meds.

The request for her to pick them up was a simple one and I had no idea the reaction it was going to start. I should have ended it on her first response.

It wasn't about paying for the meds or picking them up. No matter which one of us buys them we end up paying half anyway. It was a matter of convenience. She's requested simple things like that of me and I've done them.

You could have saved many minutes of bullchit just by going there from the start. Did you really make a point with her, did she learn anything new? No, she once again was able to be a pain in the balls until she got what she wanted anyway.

In hindsight I would have just picked them up. I really didn't think about the possibility of it getting into some kind of power struggle or control issue. It was nothing but a $27 box of pills.

Nope, no point. Maybe she learned she can still trigger me..lol. But I certainly learned from it. About the requesting and more importantly about my internal position relative to where I want to be.

Quit beating yourself up, you're getting caught by her crap less and less. Learn and move on. But also consider giving my first comment up there a bit more thought. This whole 'dance' is serving some purpose in your life - and only you know what that is.....

WT

I'll give it more thought WT. And yes, I am getting caught in it less and less.

[ericmsant2]

Steady

I'm not sure about separating the person from the actions. I understand it's not the totality of what she is, but it is still how she is right now toward me. I'm sure this type of behavior isn't aimed at anyone else. I'm the target. So on the one hand I know there's a person in there with a lot of good qualities, but I also realize the reality of her behavior right now.

So if I understand your response….HER actions will dictate HOW YOU feel and interact with her. Is that what Steady wants? Does Steady want to hand over the control of HIS emotions to someone right now that cannot reciprocate HIS feelings towards HER?

I'm sure of my intentions. I have no desire to teach her a lesson.

It’s funny….Wiskey posted something similar (articulated better)…”You want to hurt her like she’s hurt you”.
Your intentions with the kids are understandable. Trust me, I am in a similar battle to get a 50/50 split. As for the kids, I would not waver and it appears that you are not. Everything else…well…that where ya just want to make sure that you are not fighting to prove something. You know you have NOTHING to prove to HER.

All to try and force what she wants. All wasted money.

I hear ya….LOUD and CLEAR Buddy. The legalities of all of this are just another bump in the road. Have you accepted that she may not change NOW…However, how you choose to handle all of this will just be something that YOU can look back on and KNOW in YOUR heart that you did what you thought was right. All we can do buddy…all we can do…

My disappointment is even caring enough to get pulled into it in the first place.

This may or may not sting…but up there ^^^^ sounds like some resentment. Is that what ya want? Let me ask you a question...why should you NOT care? Can you accept that you will love her YET not be with her? Can you accept that it is okay to feel this way today and feel another way tomorrow?

Anger, the poison we drink waiting for the other person to die. Again, I don't want it.

The hardest thing about this whole process is KNOWING and ACCEPTING that everything we feel and everything we do ….we CHOOSE to. Are you ready to CHOOSE not to be angry at her? Are you ready to use the anger in a way that is constructive?

I'm not sure what I have for her anymore. If there's love it's been driven way deep inside of me. It's mostly anger.

Where there is smoke there is fire…where there is anger…there is….<you fill in the blank>
Your right deep down inside of YOU are some feelings. You are fighting them buddy, at least IMO, WHY? Pride, anger, and the whole legal chit. Don’t let these feelings drive what you do. Accept them and call them what they are. Once again…can you love something enough to really let it go, let it make its own mistakes, let it grow at it’s own pace…just let it go and with it…let the anger go. Easier said then done my friend – especially when you know that they are trying to f*ck ya. Guess what….if ya let go…you will feel better.

I am watching myself move through the process of the fighting/letting go cycle. It's not happening outside of my awareness. I'm cognitive of it.

Webster dictionary definition of process is….

a natural phenomenon marked by gradual changes that lead toward a particular result.
a series of actions or operations conducing to an end; especially : a continuous operation or treatment
It is a process Steady….a process…

Now, sit back have a beer and just think about what you continue to learn about YOU from this process. It is the only thing that YOU can control.

Steady, I have read some of your post and I know that you know most of this chit. So snap out of it. Spend a little more time feeling this crap - you'll be aright and I know that you know this.

God Bless,
Eric

[whiskey.tango]

I feel like a big bully. Must be something I need to work on.

But you might notice, it doesn't stop me now does it?

There's nothing to do with that. Once I really saw that reality I sent the last email. The whole thing did nothing but cause damage. I believe I ended the interaction from a higher road then the one I was on. Seeing the stupidity of what was happening and just ending it - but not in a dismissive hurtful way toward her. Rather a statement of the nonsense we were involved in.

I don't see any reason to continue on about this. We have wasted enough time and energy over a $27 box of pills. I'm sure we both have better things to do than engage in a petty argument bickering back and forth between us. I'd be embarrassed to show these emails to someone - we're acting like two immature kids fighting over nonsense. It has only added to the deterioration of our already deteriorating relationship and has added nothing positive to either one of us or our children.

What I've highlighted feels like scolding to me. Talking down to her. If I've misinterpreted this, I apologize. Do I think she's goofy for playing her games? - absolutely. Try not to let her pull you down to her level. I feel like you're dealing with a bloody idiot.

Taking the higher road is tough, consider cutting this chit off at the knees rather than trying to explain yourself. You have no need to defend yourself or your actions to her.

Don't be nice to me, just be honest. If this was off base, tell me.

WT

[steady]

WT, to be honest I never looked at it like scolding. If anything, I thought I was coming from a position of scolding myself in a way. I didn't feel like it was coming from a scolding stance although I did entertain the thought of just saying, "I asked for something simple, you refused, I picked up the pills, problem solved." To me, that would have been more like scolding her.

I did mean "I" when I said I'd be embarrassed to show these emails to someone and I meant exactly that. It was an immature exchange by two people who are supposed to be adults. So I'm not sure where you see it as me talking down to her when I said I would be embarrassed.

Afterward the thought crossed my mind that she probably doesn't see it as an immature exchange on both our parts. She has always had the stance of her being right and me being wrong. That was even pointed out by the Psychologist in his report.

I have to own my part of it and I really did think it was an immature exchange and quite petty from both of us. I think her refusal to pick them up was petty, spiteful, vindictive and controlling. That's what got me going - so I went into the trench to slug it out. Me going into the trench was immature.

I'd love your perspective on that. It's probably sitting in my blind spot because I definitely can't see it.

The statement - "It has only added to the deterioration of our already deteriorating relationship and has added nothing positive to either one of us or our children."

I meant it as it's literally written. This bickering back and forth, mud-slinging and all the other cr@p that has happened has deteriorated our relationship. I felt like the whole email exchange just added to that. It was nothing but a negative interaction which was destructive.

I'm not seeing the POV where what I wrote was talking down on her.

Maybe there's a disconnect because you haven't seen the email exchange.

I'll post them below.

[steady]

Emails:

Me to W:<son> took his last allergy pill today and I did not see any more in the house. Can you pick him up more at CVS? I have never seen the chewable's anywhere else.

W to me:This is at least the second time in a row that you have informed me that you have used the last of <son's> pills and requested that I buy more. It is your turn to buy more, please have them in the house by 4 today.

It is also your turn to pay daycare. I paid for September. Daycare tuition is due Friday, Oct. 1. It is $450.00 and the check is to made payable to <daycare name>.

Me to W:The last time I informed you <son> only had one pill left. So yes, this is the second time I have told you <son> needed more allergy pills.

The last time I bought <son's> allergy pills I bought three boxes of them because they were on sale - you will find you have a copy of the receipt when I bought them (I believe it was on July 31 when we went to visit my sister).

CVS is right by where you work so it's easier for you pick them up. He likes the chewable tablets better than ones he has to swallow. Asking me to drive to <town 1> or <town 2>, when the <town 2> CVS is only a few minutes away from your job, appears spiteful. Let me know if you refuse to pick them up and I will get them. I don't want <son> to have to go without his medication.

If I have to pick them up they will not be there by 4:00 - I will drop them off as soon as is conveniently possible for me. If you do decide to pick them up I think it would be a great idea to buy two boxes - this way when the second box is opened up we can put them on the list to be bought. This insures we always have a spare backup.

I am also going to pick up some groceries today and drop them off at the house. I will text you when they are on the stoop. There are a few items which we have run very low on which I wasn't aware of until I went to use them this weekend.

I just purchase items for the children and the house when they are needed. For me, it's not a matter of 'taking turns'.

Please reply so I can make plans accordingly.

W to me:There is a Walgreens and a Rite Aid between our house and the grocery store. There is also a CVS in the <local> Mall.

You saw my message on the daycare being due Friday?

Me to W:

I did not go to CVS over the weekend because I never realized you would actually refuse to do such a simple thing in order to get medication for <son>. It didn't make sense for me to put both kids in the car and drive them 15 minutes just to go to a CVS when it's very simple for you to go to the one by your work.

Your refusal to go to a store only a few minutes away from your work is obviously spiteful and vindictive behavior. So be it. Neither Rite Aid nor Price Chopper carry the chewable tablets as I've checked in both those stores before. I'm not sure about Walgreens as I've never checked there. There is no longer a CVS at the mall as that closed down months ago. I do know for a fact CVS carries them because that brand is the one we have been buying for months now.

I'm working overtime because I keep getting dragged into court with false allegations. Now the inconvenience is on me to have to leave work, lose the hours I need to make up, drive to Walgreens to see if they have the chewable tablets. If they don't have it I then have two choices.

1. Drive to Rite Aid and Price Chopper (in case they began carrying it since I last checked) If those stores don't have it I can drive 15 minutes to <town 2> to the CVS you basically pass on your way to pick up the kids or drive 15 minutes to the one in <town 1>.

or

2. Purchase non-chewable tablets which <son> doesn't like taking.

Either one of those two choices inconveniences someone - either <son> or I. All this because you couldn't find it in yourself to put away your anger (or whatever it is in you that's causing you to make these kinds of choices) and just simply go to a store and buy the ones he likes.

Your solution creates a mess, the one I proposed was simple and would have gotten the job done.

This is another example of you refusing to co-parent the children in a cooperative way and I'm sure anyone who looks at your refusal to do something so simple with no inconvenience to you will see it no other way. Not only that, you have decided to get into a power play over something which is for <son>. I don't want, nor do I need, to play your games and I will do what is right for <son>.

Here is the preliminary spreadsheet for October. I will be giving you a check for $230 on Wednesday to cover my portion of Daycare this month. I will text you when I put it in the mailbox so you can pick it up. As you can see there is only a minor monthly difference (11.73) and it will be credited to you, as it always is, in the ongoing outstanding balance.

(Below this was a copy/paste of the bills spreadsheet. She hates the way the bills are being paid because I have it set up that she pays enough bills to cover the difference in our pay (she makes more money than I) then I split everything else 50/50.)

W to me:
First of all, whether or not <son> likes the pills or the orally dissolving tablets, a little search on the internet told me in 5 minutes Rite Aid not only carries the Alavert but also has a generic variety in both forms.

Some points-

1) <son> himself said he doesn't need the chewable ones and in fact likes the non-chewable so he can take both his pills at once.

2) So it makes more sense for me to put both kids in the car and take them to the store than for you to do it? I do it all the time and find it hard to sympathize with you. And if this is the limit of how far you will go to do what is right for <son>, taking the kids out of the house for half an hour during an entire weekend is too much to do, I seriously doubt others will agree with your conclusion.

3) Frankly, given that you chose to include so much information on finances and your tortured accounting in the same message, one might reasonably conclude that you are perhaps more concerned with laying out the $15 or $20 for the Alavert than with <son's> health and well-being.

4) As far as court goes, you have the power to reduce the amount of time you spend there. Ask your lawyer.


Almost done now

Here is the first response I typed up and didn't send. It was after I wrote this response I realized how stupid this path was.

Me to W: (Never sent) I used her last email and addressed her comments point by point, so forgive the repetition. I've italicized her stuff below
First of all, whether or not <son> likes the pills or the orally dissolving tablets, a little search on the internet told me in 5 minutes Rite Aid not only carries the Alavert but also has a generic variety in both forms.

Good for you. I've been to Rite Aid before and did not find them.

Some points-

1) <son> himself said he doesn't need the chewable ones and in fact likes the non-chewable so he can take both his pills at once.

I wonder why you didn't share that with me in any of the email or text exchanges we had today. It would have been pertinent information since I referenced the CHEWABLE pills a number of times in my emails. He either told you that tonight or he told you that at an earlier date and you decided to keep that information from me for some unknown reason.

The non-chewables have been available at every store I've been to. I would have just picked those up when I did the grocery shopping over the weekend and wouldn't have made any requests of you.

2) So it makes more sense for me to put both kids in the car and take them to the store than for you to do it? I do it all the time and find it hard to sympathize with you.

Exactly where did I ask you to put both kids in the car and take them to the store? You added that. Exactly where did I ask for your sympathy? You added that.

And if this is the limit of how far you will go to do what is right for <son>, taking the kids out of the house for half an hour during an entire weekend is too much to do, I seriously doubt others will agree with your conclusion.

Really? Is that the limit of how far I will go to do what is right for <son>. It seems to me I picked up the pills after you refused. Who was short on the limit there? It certainly wasn't me.

I think people will agree with the conclusion that you decided to refuse to make a simple trip to pick up a box of medication for <son> - that's a fact and it can't be disputed. I didn't refuse to do anything. I only asked if you could pick them up at CVS.

3) Frankly, given that you chose to include so much information on finances and your tortured accounting in the same message, one might reasonably conclude that you are perhaps more concerned with laying out the $15 or $20 for the Alavert than with <son's> health and well-being.

Actually, I believe you asked twice about paying <daycare> in both of your emails regarding the pills - you are the one who mixed together picking up the pills with finances. I was merely answering your questions. I didn't think I needed to split them up so as not to be accused of having an issue about paying a mere $27 for pills.

Your argument makes no sense since I told you I was going to the food store to pick up groceries which I paid for from my money. I have no problem laying out the money - it really doesn't matter. If you buy them or I buy them we both pay 50% of them. So no, money was no issue at all. It was a matter of convenience and an easy solution.

Since you have now accused me of "... you are perhaps more concerned with laying out the $15 or $20 for the Alavert than with <son's> health and well-being", lets take a look at the FACTS. In your first response back to me you told me it was 'my turn' to purchase the pills, then in the same email told me it was 'my turn' to pay Ivy League - you may want to turn your accusations onto yourself because you are the one who has implied it's about the money in both your first email and then in your above accusation. I never once said anything about the cost of the pills - you did. You know about projection. That seems to be what you have done here.

I am also unaware of such 'turn taking' in all of this. Do you mean to tell me if I bought milk today, and it's finished on a day when I have the kids, I am to call you to deliver it because it would somehow be 'your turn'?

So no, a reasonable person wouldn't come to the conclusion you stated. It is actually an unreasonable conclusion with no basis in fact. It's merely based on assumptions and personal projections.

I mistakenly assumed you wouldn't have a problem with such a simple thing. Like I stated before CVS is conveniently located near you, you had time to get them, it really wasn't out of your way, it's where we usually get them from, <son> likes the flavor etc...

I'm not sure what you are referring to as tortured accounting. It was a copy/paste of the spreadsheet indicating bill payment for October. If there are other bills you are already aware of please let me know so I can include them on the sheet.

4) As far as court goes, you have the power to reduce the amount of time you spend there. Ask your lawyer.

Actually I don't. When I get falsely accused and I need to defend myself I don't have any option at all except to pay my attorney to represent me in court and for me to actually show up. Your 2 attempts at getting a court order has drained us of a combined total of probably close to $20,000. Both of which were dismissed. It's no different than piling that same amount of cash in the fire pit in the backyard and lighting it on fire.

You remarked recently you believed the lawyers were draining our money, but in reality you're the one draining it by the decisions you are making. My lawyer is only doing his job, which I've retained him to do - so I don't see him as a drain on my money.

Your newest attempt at a court order will probably cost me in the area of $5,000 and I'll guess your bill will be close to that.

So that's around $30,000 and nothing has even started. Imagine what we could have done for the kids with that amount of money. I often think about that.

Based on the debt I've already absorbed, do you really think I'm concerned with paying $27 for a box of pills?

Exactly why did you refuse to you pick them up at CVS?

[steady]

I know it was long. And frankly the BS is embarrassing.

I can easily see where I'm taking pot shots and even being passive aggressive in there. I can see where she's skirting the issue and attempting to turn it on me, I can see a lot of stuff from both of our sides.

lol. Not a far leap to see why we're now getting a D.

That interaction will show you where our R has deteriorated to when it comes to any conflict.

I didn't send that last response but instead sent the one I posted earlier in this thread.

The last line in the email I never sent makes me laugh. It would have been a hell of a way to close the exchange..

[whiskey.tango]

Wow. That's a lot of interaction. Her 'knowing' she's right and you defending your point of view.

You realize she's trying to be unreasonable, right? The living arrangement seems to be not working. You're not only trying to co-parent, but you're both occupying the same house. At different times, but still, the same house. If you both were truly living apart, this conversation wouldn't be necessary. You would have what you needed when the kids were with you and she would do whatever it is she does when they're with her.

Why didn't your son tell you he preferred the pills instead of the chewable ones? If he told her, he can tell you.

It is clear to me why you two are headed in the direction you are. She's done. She's not going to make things easy. She even said as much when you talked about all the court related issues - according to her, you know how to make it stop. Give her what she wants, until then she'll make you miserable and drain your finances. She's also got OM, so her energies are further spread out.

You're never going to be 'right' in her eyes. Nor should you try - that's circling the drain. But you are valid in your concerns. Do what is right by you and your kids. Maybe you 2 should switch from taking turns buying stuff to buying the stuff you and the kids need when you are together. That's probably unrealistic to be honest, I feel this sharing the house is making things more difficult. Is there another solution?

Her comments regarding the legal stuff bothers me, for some reason.

WT

[steady]

Wow. That's a lot of interaction. Her 'knowing' she's right and you defending your point of view.

I've been dealing with this for years now WT. Of course, the first few years in the honeymoon stage was nice, but after that, her controlling and fault finding/criticism issues surfaced and my less-than/shame/passive issues came up and they mixed like gasoline and fire.

Of course this part of her personality wasn't this magnified but has increased every time I stand up and take care of myself by calling her on her shite and drawing/enforcing boundaries. The past two and a half years has been unbelievable.

I know she's doesn't treat other people like this and it's all aimed at me. I think this example shows how petty she's getting. The conflict above is the same basic blueprint of all the conflicts we had in our M.

You can imagine by reading her stuff up there how even the smallest thing was blown way out of proportion, then if I called her on it and showed her side of the dysfunction it would get twisted and turned around back on me. If I held my point she would inevitably say, "I'm done with this", and turn and walk away - dismissive. How I hated that! The psychologist who did the forensic analysis said it is one of the most disrespectful things you can do to someone.

The scary part is I watch her mother do it to her father all the time. And my W can't see she inherited all that cr@p from her mom no matter how many people point it out - including the psychologist, our first MC, second MC, me.

There I am still defending and explaining myself when it's her who was being so spiteful and vindictive about a box of pills.

You realize she's trying to be unreasonable, right?

I know she is. She's being unreasonable in basically every area concerning me.

The living arrangement seems to be not working. You're not only trying to co-parent, but you're both occupying the same house. At different times, but still, the same house. If you both were truly living apart, this conversation wouldn't be necessary. You would have what you needed when the kids were with you and she would do whatever it is she does when they're with her.

This is the first time, besides the bill paying, where something like this has even become an issue. When I get the house I usually scan for what we need then just go and pick it up. Sometimes she has a list going sometimes not.

I always run a list when things are done or low. Sometimes I even text her the list before she comes into the house on her weekends.

Why didn't your son tell you he preferred the pills instead of the chewable ones? If he told her, he can tell you.

I think he may have said it to her that night - she basically interrogates the kids when she gets them. He may have told her at an earlier date. He's 7 so it's not something he's going to press. He may have mentioned it to her but I give him one of those every morning and he's never mentioned it to me.

The bigger thing for me is if she knew, why didn't she tell me when this back and forth started? Like I wrote in the email I didn't send. She'll withhold stuff like that to make it harder on me.

It is clear to me why you two are headed in the direction you are. She's done.

You know, the "she's done" still stings a little. Do you really think she is? LMAO Now imagine me living with this woman and she can't understand why I drifted away over the years. I got tired of being hammered and criticized on a weekly basis. I often said to her - "Can't we go more than a week or two without you having to find some criticism or some fault about what I do?"

Granted, I know I had my part in the whole thing. I'm working on those issues.

She's not going to make things easy. She even said as much when you talked about all the court related issues - according to her, you know how to make it stop. Give her what she wants, until then she'll make you miserable and drain your finances.

Yup. She's all about the misery. The sad thing is she gets her energy out of exchanges like the email one. It's the victim role just like her mom. I gave her fuel to run for a while longer. I think that's why she always stirred up some drama every few weeks. I really believe it's what gives her a sense of identity. That every few week cycle has persisted even after we separated. It's been about a week or two with no waves and then this drama about the pills gets stirred up by her.

She's also got OM, so her energies are further spread out.

Not sure why this is a factor.

You're never going to be 'right' in her eyes. Nor should you try - that's circling the drain.

That's another thing which was pointed out by the psychologist. She has a POV of her doing no wrong and me doing no right. He nailed it. It's coupled with the fault finding/criticism issues she's carrying around. I understand it's a mechanism to protect herself from people seeing her 'faults' but the irony is it doesn't hide anything from anyone but herself.

He also wrote in his report she will have a hard time and made it difficult to co-parent because of these issues. He even recommended we go to counseling to work on those things in order to make co-parenting smoother. Without a court order what are the odds of her actually volunteering to do that? lol

That's one of the things I realized at the end of the email exchange. I'm sitting here defending myself and explaining to a person who is out of touch with reality. Someone who is so unreasonable and won't even own the simple fact her decision was made out of spite. She never did give a reason except it being 'my turn'.

My response to defend and explain is something I'm working on with the NMMNG stuff. Of course it takes time to pull it out.

But you are valid in your concerns. Do what is right by you and your kids. Maybe you 2 should switch from taking turns buying stuff to buying the stuff you and the kids need when you are together. That's probably unrealistic to be honest, I feel this sharing the house is making things more difficult. Is there another solution?

It has worked pretty well up until this one. The pressure is mounting and her stress level is sky-rocketing. After she told me she wanted a D in Jan 2008 she figured I'd be out of the house in 60 days, she would have the house and the kids and I'd be paying her child support.

Every move she has made to force what she wants has backfired on her. When she closed our joint account and tried to force me to pay the bills her way, I 'forced' her to put her name on all the house bills which were in my name only. I told her if she didn't do that I'd just cancel the services.

Now I control what bills each of us pay and I first have her pay the difference in our salary (she makes more than I do) and after that I split everything for house and kids 50/50. She absolutely hates this arrangement. She wants to split them according to our income ratio and I refused. That would leave me with no money at the end of each month. I told her if that was the agreement when we married I never would have had the bills we have because there's no way I'd live being broke every month. The way I have it set up is the same way we've always paid bills.

In the beginning of the month I drop off a spreadsheet outlining that month's payments and it always kicks her off into some kind of drama with me.

Her attempt to control the money backfired and I ended up in the position of controlling it. Her two attempts at getting an Order of Protection went nowhere. Her attempt to show my son has severe problems with the living arrangement was basically shot down when he did excellent in school, his psychiatrist said he was improving, his meds got cut back. I just talked to his current teacher and he actually said my son was the 'rock' in the classroom - just steady. Only issue is some daydreaming but he comes right back when prompted.

I spoke to his group therapist yesterday and she said he's doing great. Said he's improved so much in the past 8 months. His patience level is way up and he spent yesterday's session helping one of the kids who was having a hard time.

Now she's focusing on trying to 'prove' my daughter is having a hard time.

Got this email two days ago:

W to me:I am concerned about <daughter's> ability to cope with her life situation and would like for her to have someone to talk to, just like <son> already has. I spoke to Ann Marie at <son's group therapist> and she said <son's group therapist> is not able to assist <daughter> at this time due to scheduling and <daughter's> age.

I found a play therapist with a good reputation that used to work with <son's group therapist>. <son's group therapist> confirmed that she is good. Her name is <name> and she has an office at <address>. She is able to see <daughter> and said she feels confident that she can help <daughter> through this rough period.

As this is a matter concerning <daughter's> health and well-being, I am seeking your input and would like to know if you have any objections to this plan.

Talked to my L about it and this is what I sent back:

Me to W:I have a few problems with it. I think you should have spoken to me first before you took any action at all. I also think you should have not consulted with the therapist without me having the opportunity to be present. I have asked you in the past not to make unilateral decisions regarding our children. I would appreciate it if you respected that.

I have sent a message in to my lawyer and am awaiting his response. Until then I expect you not to take any further action as this is a co-parenting issue involving both of us.

Her comments regarding the legal stuff bothers me, for some reason.WT

Any elaboration on this? She has acted as if she has some entitlement for what she wants. In the past she would be in disbelief when she told me to leave a number of times and I refused to move out of the house and leave my kids. It was like she had a POV as if it should just be done because she said it.

It's obvious to me she is trying to get my D into a therapy situation so she can say my D is now in therapy because of the arrangements we have. Our court date is on October 12 and she asked me in a separate email if I got her email concerning this issue. She went on to say the therapist needs an answer ASAP. So here's the big rush and push by her.

Obviously legal maneuving and not a real concern about our D. Our D is doing just fine. She had some separation anxiety since July but it's not bad at all. After a few minutes she's fine. She's a happy joyful 4 year old with typical 4 year old behaviors.

The psychologist even commented in his report based on a recording my W sent in to try to 'nail' me that my W is willing to use the kids as pawns.

It's a sad situation.