Ominus Bonus

[steady]

I'm not sure why I am still cycling on this stuff, on her, on her with OM, on all of it. You would think someone who has endured her barrage of what I can often say is just evil and vindictive behavior wouldn't be cycling around in the emotions.

It must be serving you some purpose or you wouldn't be doing it. So, what could it be?

Ah always the deeper question. I would imagine it's allowing me to play the victim on some level. A way to feel sorry for myself and have a pity party.

It's also triggering shame and abandonment issues I'm currently working to overcome.

I would also imagine it gives me a feeling of somehow being superior to her. All about unhealthy 'validation'.

I'm also sure there's a residual component of still looking for validation from her. Working on it.

I wanted to prove my rightness and I wanted to beat her up a little bit. I'd rather not have any of those desires. I'd rather just not care at all one way or the other.

Why? Once you are 'right' what do you do with that? Take the high road, dear friend, like you have so many other times. Would you rather be right or be happy? You want to hurt her like she's hurt you - you have allowed her to hurt you. Stop playing the game. You know what works for you, what takes you to your higher self.

There's nothing to do with that. Once I really saw that reality I sent the last email. The whole thing did nothing but cause damage. I believe I ended the interaction from a higher road then the one I was on. Seeing the stupidity of what was happening and just ending it - but not in a dismissive hurtful way toward her. Rather a statement of the nonsense we were involved in.

Yes I have allowed it. But I don't see a light switch to turn off the triggering. All I know is I trigger, I finally see I've triggered, I work to end the triggering. In the process the hurt has already landed.

Those desires don't just creep into your head and force you to react. You allow them.

I think the desires come of their own accord. The second part, the decision to react is the control point. I'm trying to overcome decades of negative thinking and reacting and it's taking me time. I've come a long way and still have more distance to cover.

It sounds like that whole conversation (email, text, whatever) was doomed from the start and you knew it. And in the end, you still ended up paying for your son's meds.

The request for her to pick them up was a simple one and I had no idea the reaction it was going to start. I should have ended it on her first response.

It wasn't about paying for the meds or picking them up. No matter which one of us buys them we end up paying half anyway. It was a matter of convenience. She's requested simple things like that of me and I've done them.

You could have saved many minutes of bullchit just by going there from the start. Did you really make a point with her, did she learn anything new? No, she once again was able to be a pain in the balls until she got what she wanted anyway.

In hindsight I would have just picked them up. I really didn't think about the possibility of it getting into some kind of power struggle or control issue. It was nothing but a $27 box of pills.

Nope, no point. Maybe she learned she can still trigger me..lol. But I certainly learned from it. About the requesting and more importantly about my internal position relative to where I want to be.

Quit beating yourself up, you're getting caught by her crap less and less. Learn and move on. But also consider giving my first comment up there a bit more thought. This whole 'dance' is serving some purpose in your life - and only you know what that is.....

WT

I'll give it more thought WT. And yes, I am getting caught in it less and less.