MLC=Twilight Zone/When do I wake up?

[warriorshadow]

Thanks MHL,

I know a lot of people read these posts. I mostly lurked since the bomb drop in February. You get to a point eventually where you know that the MLC'r has to figure it out from within on their own. Then it is time to dig in and save yourself.

Some may MLC'rs never make it. They could stay this way until the next age transition. Coming to grips with that is pretty depressing and I have to shove it out of my head. So I get it, this takes humongous amount of patience.

My W has even said through a moment of clarity about a month in a half ago, "Maybe I am just angry at myself!" I almost fell on the floor. I was falsely lured into thinking finally she is dabbling with the "awakening". I was quietly rejoicing inside.

But the euphoria soon ended. Actions continued to show she has a long way to go. The disconnect continued from me and our boys are feeling that something is going on with mom. Why does she always get so mad at us?

Middle son now refers to her as "Nightmare Mom". Man that hurts her but it hurts me to know mom is hurting our sons.

So I try to keep tighter with my sons. I feel horrible that they must go through something like this that is beyond their control.

It makes it even more frustrating to know that somehow my W never completed her inner self through her adolescence. Now she has to revisit it to get it whole? Give me a break, this is just total crapola. Yeah, I am venting a little bit here. I know it is totally real now and know too much to take any easy way out. Plus, I really do love my wife and it does not make any sense right now for me to do it any other way.

The IC warns me to not to get my head in the path of it is hopeless because then subconsciously I will give her enough signals that I am understanding and nonjudgemental when she finally "wakes up". He confirmed that they do realize then that
you were understanding throughout all of this.

He has seen many W's come through his office that are going through this. His own wife had a horrible MLC. Then he said his W's menopause took 10 years. You mean there is more fun after this is over? No wonder men live lives of quiet desperation.
Looks like women who have husbands in MLC, get a longer time suffering their H's MLC but we get the bonus round of menopause.

[Truegritter]

Then it is time to dig in and save yourself.

It is now that time...

Some may MLC'rs never make it. They could stay this way until the next age transition. Coming to grips with that is pretty depressing and I have to shove it out of my head. So I get it, this takes humongous amount of patience....

My W has even said through a moment of clarity about a month in a half ago, "Maybe I am just angry at myself!" I almost fell on the floor. ...

But the euphoria soon ended. Actions continued to show she has a long way to go. The disconnect continued from me and our boys are feeling that something is going on with mom. Why does she always get so mad at us?

Middle son now refers to her as "Nightmare Mom". Man that hurts her but it hurts me to know mom is hurting our sons.

It makes it even more frustrating to know that somehow my W never completed her inner self through her adolescence. Now she has to revisit it to get it whole? Give me a break, this is just total crapola.

The IC warns me to not to get my head in the path of it is hopeless because then subconsciously I will give her enough signals that I am understanding and nonjudgemental when she finally "wakes up". He confirmed that they do realize then that you were understanding throughout all of this.

Warrior look how much of what you talk about is focused on your W.

Now let's talk about you.

[warriorshadow]

Thanks Punkin,
I appreciate the kind words and you have helped bring a smile to my face today. I read your thread a lot and I share a lot of your frustration.

I know I will get through this. I have no other option in my mind.

The boys that I love so much need a strong parent right now and I am proud to be there for them. I have said before, it is way, way better to be the LBS in this debacle. As our spouses spin out of control, we get to work on ourselves. Life gets to have a whole new meaning now and I am appreciating the little things in life even more.

Seven kids for you!! Wow, you have to be one very strong woman.
I have much respect for families that can do that.

You make my 3 sons, 7, 10, 12, look like a picnic. I have been told from Sunday school teachers that God has a special place in heaven for couples with 3 boys. Imagine where that puts you!!
I don't know how God runs the show though so the best I can give you is an atta-girl here on earth.

[PEI]

I am an analyzer of problems and of course I think I can fix this. Fix what? Fix myself, which is what I would have to do if this divorce goes through.

Hon, what we are trying to tell you is that you need to FIX you regardless of whether or not you divorce ... FIXing you should be your number one goal.

Some people just have excuses. Maybe poor ones. That would be me.

At least you recognize this. I didn’t for a long time. Still don’t sometimes ... but that’s why it’s so important to get it out here ... ask for help, be open to the challenges and the advice ...

I really only have good memories of my marriage and have erased the things that were not so good.

This one worries me a bit ... WS, your marriage was made up of the good and the bad, owning it in all it’s truth will give you a realistic point from which to move forward. Am I saying dwell on the bad? Not at all (that’s the MLCer’s job ), but denying the challenges and difficulties won’t serve you either. These times are where we find our lessons. Where we grow and learn.

How much is too much in giving in a marriage? That is a difficult question.

Grit is spot on with this one.

I would remind her to cut herself some slack and be a little more realistic at the goals you are setting. In addition, be proud of what you did accomplish and I complimented her on many things. That really did not fly with her and left me puzzled.

Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus stuff here ... by telling her she should cut herself some slack and be more realistic you did not VALIDATE her FEELINGS. She felt upset and you basically told her (what she heard anyway) that she shouldn’t feel that way. Men want solutions in the shortest time possible and only go outwards when seeking advice towards said solution. Women need to feel heard. Not solved. This one really hits home for me because one of H’s big things was “don’t worry about it” ... well, I wanted to worry about it, I wanted to feel however I felt, I just wanted him to listen. He couldn’t solve the problem so his attitude was different. Not wrong. Just different. Validation is tricky ... (leave it alone guys) ... and it’s a learned skill for most of us. Missher is the king by the way

I can't type as fast as PEI, but I will get this stuff on here one way or another.

Practise grasshopper ...

I think my wife wrote all the scripts for MLC. She wrote all the behavior too. We should be making millions by now. Somebody stole MLC for dummies from her. She can't function without it, please give it back.

LMAO .... it’s funny because it’s true. Unfortunately true.

I have been told from Sunday school teachers that God has a special place in heaven for couples with 3 boys.

Then I can only imagine the seat waiting for my sister and her husband ... they have 4 GIRLS ... all 7 and under ... whooo boy!

WS, keep moving my friend ... keep posting ... getting it out helps you and, as Missher pointed out, countless others. Us included.
Peace
PEI

[warriorshadow]

What about Warrior?

Is Warrior just Mrs. Warrior's husband?

Is that how you would define yourself?

It seems to me the first order of business my friend is to dig up that old dude you used to be before you were consumed by your M.

I want to hear more about Warrior.

Thank you Gritter for the response and the questions.

I hate this because there is going to be so many "I"s in here I really don't want to talk about myself but here it goes anyway.

Who did I used to be before I was consumed by my marriage?

I used to be very independent.

Had a fantastic childhood.

Attended Parochial school. Disliked it but pays big now.

God has always been present in my life. He has proven that to
me over and over. The Ten Commandments are important to me.
I am committed to making sure my sons are part of my beliefs.
We live for only a short time on this earth and God is present
if you dare to look.

High school stunk because I was not one of the popular ones.
Thankful for that now.

Bought a Honda Goldwing (New) but sold it to buy W's engagement/wedding ring. Did not care anyway too many friends killed or hurt on bikes.

Got my scuba cert.

Got my Private Pilots license. May come in handy now.

Hobbies in RC and High Power rocketry. Love things that fly.
Fascinated with it really.

Love my Job since I have been out of college.
^^^^^^^^^^^
This is so important even if the job changes a bit.

I work on computers. If you love your job you really got it made.

Sure I could have moved up. Glad I get to do what I get to do.

I actually have fun with what I do. Pay is good and the work is
interesting and rewarding. I get to help customers and help solve their issues every day. I truly am a fixit person. You must be able to develop a relationship with a customer to be successful long term.

I love helping others in any way especially electronics,video,computers,handyman projects,tiling,decks,repairing things,cars etc.

W thinks I am a genius on most of this. I am not really though.
Just have a lot of interest to know how things work. There is a lot of satisfaction in making things work. Definitely some of the happiness in my life.

Love to play golf, got wife interested in golf.
(Backburnered money and time)
You have to make time for this stuff and every time I suggested, it was shot down. We make money and we have time. Would have loved to have been on a league for men.

Love Baseball playing and watching. I would have loved to be on a league for men. You know who would have a problem with that.
Really coming in handy with oldest son. I was head coach this year. He is a fantastic pitcher. Great hitter too. I am biased but he was the best on his team and probably one of the top 5 in his league. Going to do more of this next spring with him.
We always pitch/hit/catch in the back yard and it is wonderful.

Not allowed to watch it (baseball) on tv without tremendous guilt from W.
She has stated if I watched football for the entire Sunday like
other H's she would have divorced me a long time ago.
It is ok. Not a big football fan anyway.

I took W on many vacations before and after marriage.

I enjoyed that but the W always was concerned about the cost.
Same with going out to dinner or a movie or whatever.
As kids became more of the picture, all of this came to a
screeching halt. It was always money or time.

Gee, I would like to go biking. With my W it would be great.
As a family would be wonderful too. We don't own any bikes.
The boys have bikes but it is nothing like I got to do when I was a kid.

I have a spare building in my yard. It was meant to be a shop for RC, Rockets, School science projects kids hobbies, Go-carts
Just plain fun stuff for boys when they are growing up. Those were my dreams that were shelved as the expectations took over.

There has to be a balance somewhere. The kids are only kids while they are kids. That goes so fast. On one hand I feel selfish, on the other I am saddened by the loss of this.

I understand that life can get overwhelming. I understand also that a lot of stress is self created. There is a lot of emphasis in this world to do one more thing each and every day. Look where that gets you. You lose what is important long term. You must be able to dream. You must be able to relax. You must be able to balance. You must be able to establish priorities. You must be able to find a safe place at home where you are not evaluated on your performance. You must be able to cope when things don't go as expected because they usually don't. You must be able to face the consequences of your choices and you can celebrate the good choices and learn from the bad ones.

Marriage is work. Lot's of work. Lot's of sacrifice. Thought I was doing that.

[ericmsant2]

WS

How are you dude? Just checking in.

Eric

[warriorshadow]

Thanks for asking Eric.

I am doing ok at the moment. W is going to move out Nov 1. she says.

She already said she was going to move out two weeks ago, but somebody beat her to the house she had set up to rent and eventually maybe buy.

I believe in all of her confusion, she slacked off on that deal and somebody snagged it first.

She still lives in another room in the lower level and we still are cordial.

Our next court date is in the beginning of Dec. now. That will be to finalize the child custody which will be 50/50.

I keep reading daily. We both see the IC every week. IC knows I know it is MLC and says she will come out of it when she is ready and only God knows when that is.

He keeps telling me to continue as I am but try to keep inviting her back into my life by saying things such as "I prefer you stay but if you decide to go I will miss you".

He asked me if I was taking her projection blaming personally?

He said that in a tone like, "I hope you are not taking the blaming personally."

He then says, like he has said in a past session, "Warrior, have FUN with this!"

I get a little rattled when he says stuff like this.

He says, "I know the deck seems a little stacked against you on this, but really Warrior, have FUN with this and try not to be in places that she does not want you to be in".

Translation: Don't do things that remind her of her relationship with her dad. IE. Pressure, threats etc.

I can't recall ever doing that but these days, anytime I disagree or get blamed for todays misshaps, it is viewed as pressure.

Light bulb was burned out in the light. It was immediately my fault because I probably was doing something to the light switches again.

Got to stop playing with the light switches I guess.

MLC=confusion=paranoia=conspiracy=everyone is against me etc.

Not sure if OM is still in the picture. I have not been snooping to find out.

I have now heard of two attempted suicide storys of people who have gone through this in my circle of people. Both women. One was successful and is no longer with us. (Overdose)

The other woman was unsuccessful both attempts in the last six months. The last time was this August and they had to do some kind of charcoal detox thing to her stomach to counter the overdose.

The pain they go through must be incredible to consider that as an option.

In the past, I would have totally doubted that as being an option to my wife if she was considering that. I am not quite as sure of that anymore.

After seeing this journey go so strangely, I don't know how to predict anything anymore.

[ericmsant2]

Warrior

I don't know how to predict anything anymore.

Stop trying to predict and live your life the way YOU want to live it.

Stick to YOUR core values. Keep working on YOU.

You know this buddy and I know you do.

Right now as hard as it is...let her as* go completely.

You know how to reach me.

God Bless,
Eric

[warriorshadow]

Not much new to report. Yesterday W wanted a hug in the kitchen.

I had just returned from the store and was putting things away

and she asked if I was mad, angry, or upset. I said "No, I am

not angry or upset, why?" So she says, " I wanted to know if you

wanted a hug."

In the past, I have diffused her projection anger with the normal I am sorry u feel that way stuff and later she would be a little sullen and I would ask her if she wanted to go smoke a peace pipe together. That would be the signal for us to give each other a hug provided we are both willing.

This was my way of showing her that even if she is angry
she still knows I am there and I try to keep a connection with her. It has been effective for the most part and now she is kind of doing it back.

So I said sure to the hug. It was a full frontal hug and it happened to be in front of the kids. Man those kids got to be confused!

My W's moodiness continues and show no signs of going away. With her emotions running like a roller coaster I can see why Lance is always mentioning the hormonal factor throughout this.

W is still moving out at the end of the month to continue the "I need live on my own quest."

Then, again this am, before she left for work, she climbed into bed with me for a short hug and cuddle session. Extremely short though, maybe 2 minutes tops. This woman is so confused. Never, ever, do I start any R talks and have totally understood that is just going to hose things up.

My W is not in a place talk about any R now. Two months or so ago, she began to look within and I heard proof of that from her. But now I believe she is back in Replay and will be for a while.

I know when she does this,the hugs I mean, to have no expectations and I don't.
She does not want to in her words "Send mixed messages to you"

I am ready for any 2x4's to come my way so let 'er rip if you want.

The IC has said for me to maintain that connection with my W so she knows I am still there for her. They remember the compassion and understanding that you have shown throughout the crisis.

I am still working on me and have a long way to go.

Eric, before you blast me on this, realize that I am letting go more and more each day. I fully admit to being a slow learner on
all of this letting go stuff.

I have very much to be thankful for and I thank God daily for it.

I also thank God for the people I have met on these boards. They truly help in ways that they do not understand.

Lastly Eric, You are going to miss it. Little Friday Live I mean.

This is the part about GAL that I am looking forward to!!

We will keep you posted though and I will have a cold one just for you when I get there!!

[LanceSijan]

NO 2X4'S from me.

I see nothing wrong with mirroring her actions, if she asks for a hug and you give it to her with no expectations then what is wrong with that?

At his point there is still no OM, so it it NOT cakeating.

She might be having second thoughts about leaving.
So the hug is her way of asking for reassurance.
For what? IDK.

Does she know that you are going away on Thursday?
Try to keep that as mysterious as possible. IMHO.