Ominus Bonus

[steady]

Steady

I could not help but respond to this post as I have cycled as well.

I am having an influx of all kinds of feelings. Anger, regret, loss, fear.

All normal IMO. Deep down inside you still love her and hence you are going through these period where your emotions are all over the place. Ya know what it is okay to still love her. Separate the actions from the person and change how you are looking at this interaction.

I'm not sure about separating the person from the actions. I understand it's not the totality of what she is, but it is still how she is right now toward me. I'm sure this type of behavior isn't aimed at anyone else. I'm the target. So on the one hand I know there's a person in there with a lot of good qualities, but I also realize the reality of her behavior right now.

I've absorbed a sizable amount of debt due to the legal costs and the D process hasn't even started yet.

Boy do I know what you are talking about. I’m down 7K and we have had ONE meeting with the attnys. IMO – you are going to have to ask yourself a very hard question….Are you fighting for what you really believe in OR is there some small part of YOU that is trying to MAKE HER realize the consequences of her choice. If it is the later, then ask yourself…is that Steady’s job? Her choices are HER’s – IMO, it is not the LBS’s role to try and HELP them realize the consequences. The consequences will happen as they are suppose to happen.

I'm sure of my intentions. I have no desire to teach her a lesson. I want my kids. We went through a whole forensic analysis with a Clinical Psychologist and he gave me a ton of time with the kids. She offered me nothing even close to his recommendation. If you read back in my thread you'll see the details of it.

I'm over 12k in all on credit cards. I'm looking at another 4-5k at least for this 3rd attempt at getting a court order against me. All to try and force what she wants. All wasted money.

Teaching her a lesson isn't even a thought when it comes to this legal stuff. For me, it's all about fighting for my kids. And fight I will. I don't care about the house, the money, the things - they're all replaceable. But time with my children is not.

As I was typing out a response to her last email, I just suddenly realized how stupid it was to have gone where we ended up over a $27 box of pills.]/quote]
SO now you realized how stupid it was….a very simple solution – do better the next time.

I let myself get pulled in to her game and I'm disappointed in myself.

Your not super man…so ya made a mistake. I guess that makes you human. So, recognize what it is/was and do better the next time.

I know. The disappointment in myself isn't really that deep. But the energy drain is exhausting. My disappointment is even caring enough to get pulled into it in the first place.

I wanted to prove my rightness and I wanted to beat her up a little bit. I'd rather not have any of those desires. I'd rather just not care at all one way or the other.

AH….anger….hate it don’t ya. I do too, BUT we have to feel it. Just remember, it is HOW WE deal with it that matters.

Anger, the poison we drink waiting for the other person to die. Again, I don't want it.

Stop fighting the love that you still have for her. Stop letting pride and anger drive your interactions. Change how you look at this. Think of it as an opportunity to learn something about yourself as oppose to a bad interaction.

I'm not sure what I have for her anymore. If there's love it's been driven way deep inside of me. It's mostly anger.

Are you still fighting the natural flow of life? Are you still fighting this?

No doubt about it. I know I wouldn't be in the position I've been in for the past few days if I wasn't fighting reality. But knowing and doing are two completely different things. It's getting to the doing where it's all the way into my marrow - that's what I want.

I am watching myself move through the process of the fighting/letting go cycle. It's not happening outside of my awareness. I'm cognitive of it.