Ominus Bonus

[steady]

It seems this down cycle is more pervasive than I thought. I am having an influx of all kinds of feelings. Anger, regret, loss, fear.

I've absorbed a sizable amount of debt due to the legal costs and the D process hasn't even started yet.

Yesterday I sent her a text asking her to pick up some allergy pills for our S from a store which is only a few minutes from where she works. Probably only a block and a half from the route she takes home. It got insane. She refused to do it, telling me it's my turn to get them, my turn to pay certain bills, etc...

This went back and forth twice and got to a point where it was totally ridiculous.

As I was typing out a response to her last email, I just suddenly realized how stupid it was to have gone where we ended up over a $27 box of pills. Her behavior was spiteful and vindictive and I called her on it. But in the end, what does it matter?

This is what I ended up writing:

I don't see any reason to continue on about this. We have wasted enough time and energy over a $27 box of pills. I'm sure we both have better things to do than engage in a petty argument bickering back and forth between us. I'd be embarrassed to show these emails to someone - we're acting like two immature kids fighting over nonsense. It has only added to the deterioration of our already deteriorating relationship and has added nothing positive to either one of us or our children.

<son> got his pills and that's all that really mattered in the whole thing anyway.

I let myself get pulled in to her game and I'm disappointed in myself.

I'm not sure why I am still cycling on this stuff, on her, on her with OM, on all of it. You would think someone who has endured her barrage of what I can often say is just evil and vindictive behavior wouldn't be cycling around in the emotions.

I wanted to prove my rightness and I wanted to beat her up a little bit. I'd rather not have any of those desires. I'd rather just not care at all one way or the other.