I understand that, but this isn't an isolated event where she shuts down. It's the story of our marriage, and breaking out of this pattern doesn't seem to be something we can get past right now.
Pinhead, I don't know about a lot of things like affairs and stuff, but I do know about shut-down and distance. That was all my marriage & relationship was for years (M-13; T-18) So I know - it's insulting and hurtful and takes a lot of really hard work to change your roll in those communication patterns like you just had. I'm going to babble here... sorry, but this is so important. You guys are just starting to break through ... don't give up!!! Okay, so patterns... what have I learned about patterns...
Tell me - what pattern did you see in this:
Originally Posted By: pinhead
Turns out that she was upset that while she was gone, I didn't tell her much about what the girls were doing. She called every night to say goodnight, but I didn't talk too much; she had gone on the trip to figure out what she wanted in our relationship, so I was trying to give her space.
Here's the pattern I see:
You: I know you had great intentions in not wanting to 'talk too much' and 'give her space'. But I'd bet she felt that come across as you being withdrawn and not wanting to share. Which likely reinforced her position of not sharing what she wanted/needed to hear.
Your W: doesn't sound like she shared with you what she WANTED to hear when she was talking with you. This is pretty typical of women around my age. However, if we don't tell our Hs, they don't know, so they don't share. So her position reinforced you not sharing.
Keep trying pinhead - don't give up. Communication patterns - are just BEHAVIORAL, so CAN be changed. AND you can start changing them by changing your half of it! That's what I've been doing for the last 7 months and it's hard as h&ll but it's slowly working. Have you read any of Harriet Lerner's work? She deals a lot with these communication patterns and how to break out of them. Don't give up pinhead!
PS - by the way, She called YOU. And EVERY night at that. I'd have given my left boob for my H to have called me every night while he was away on week-long trips for most of our M. But your W WANTED to talk with you... every day! Wow! See I look at that and think 'that's progress!' Don't give up NOW! I know I know the DB stuff says to give them space. But I think at this point you have to start reaching through all that. Don't give up pinhead.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
