Change is in the air........

[goodattitudegirl]

Update:

Last night XH texted me to ask me again if I would play table tennis with him Wednesday evening.

XH's mother went to the ER this morning and was admitted to the hospital again. He thinks it'll be 4-5 days this time. He e-mailed me this morning right after she was admitted. Then his sister e-mailed me the same thing. Then XH sent both of us several photos of the renovation work done on his mother's house (he's going to rent it).....Then X-SIL sent me a link to a video of her from her local news.......So, if someone was on the outside looking in, they would think that I am a dear family friend.

GAG

[Mila]

GAG Obviously you are going something right....it maybe baby steps but I definitely see that you are getting closer to XH.

(((hugs)))

[courageous wife]

Hi GAG

I always look forward to reading an update from you!
Hope your xMIL recovers soon!

[dolphin_05]

Hi GAG, As Mila says, you are obviously doing something right and you are still very much a part of XH's family. Positive steps seeing H share news with you and wonderful to have the invite to play table tennis again.

Cas

[goodattitudegirl]

Mila, CW, and Cas,

Thanks for stopping by. I feel like I've been watching paint dry these days! XH is SUCH a slow learner. I guess I need to look at where the situation is now, as compared to where it was 4 months ago (Cas, like you, my XH made a lot of forward movement over the past 4 months.....but it is painstakingly slow progress). I feel like I am firmly in the friend zone. I need to somehow try to move this forward into the romantic zone from here.....this was Jody's advice the last time we spoke. If anyone has ideas, I'm wide open to them. Wondering why I even care at this point......but I've always been like a dog with a bone. For better or worse, I have never been a quitter.

Update:
I went to visit X-MIL at the hospital last night. It was nice. She is very fun to visit with and we joked with the staff. Watched funny YouTube videos on my laptop using the hospital's wireless. Took photo of X-MIL and sent it to XH and X-SIL. X-SIL really liked it.

Met XH to play table tennis this evening. Played for 1 1/2 hours, then chatted for 1/2 hour. XH really opened up to me about his frustrations, like he would to a friend. Talked a lot about BMF's son who is having problem graduating from college after 5 years has 1 class left and it's unclear whether he is going to finish, is depressed (on Paxil), has been gambling online (BMF is proud of his son for winning at gambling), can't find a job, and uses dope. XH sees himself in a mentoring role with BMF's son (that's XH --- son of an alcoholic who is a perennial "fixer").

XH seemed down. I asked about it. He said he was frustrated that he was having trouble getting motivated to work on a work deadline coming up in 2 weeks. I wondered if he was depressed about OW#2 withdrawal, but I don't really know if their R has ended. XH told me his business partner thinks that OW#2 sent me the package and laughed at the term I used to describe the sender (bunny boiler). XH told me that he keeps his cell phone locked, so OW#2 couldn't have found my cell phone number in his phone. That would mean that she may not have seen the texts and emails I sent XH. If that's the case, then she had other reasons to feel insecure about me, so that is interesting.

We talked about the personnel problems he is having with his business right now......Then XH started talking about 1 or 2 female "friends" he had met (this smacks of online dating to me-----Arghhhhh!!!!!!!) who have very difficult lives (the rescuer in him is coming out). He told me about a female MD that he had been friends with (XH didn't know that I know this is OW#1) who was "crazy". In his mind she was a bunny boiler............I didn't know he thought she was "crazy", so this means that both OW#1 and OW#2 are probably bunny boilers. We talked a bit about how many people have mental health problems and I said that that is why I am not dating right now (probably bad DB'ing). Then I said "I thought YOU were normal". I said it in a DB'ing, positive reinforcement kind of way, but I think XH may have thought that I criticizing him. He made a face.

I asked XH about his meeting with BMF in which he tried to determine whether BMF sent the package. XH believes BMF when he said that he didn't send the package, but XH still sounds like he doesn't trust BMF 100% (as he used to do).......so even though BMF and XH have reconciled, their trust has not been restored.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the handwriting expert and I told XH this (I'll post an update tomorrow). XH brought a hair sample from OW#2 (like he said he would). I talked to the forensic scientist a few days ago and decided only to do writing and fingerprint analysis and asked XH if he had samples of this from OW#2. He said he didn't. I said "I'm doing the analysis to find out if there's someone out there that I don't know about who is threatening, but if there is a bunny boiler, YOU are actually the person who is in greater danger". XH said kind of sheepishly (like it had just dawned on him) "Thanks a lot......."

We hugged and got in our cars and drove away.

I'm frustrated that I feel stuck in the friend zone. Open to suggestions for moving out of this stage from others who have succeeded. Since it sounds like he is meeting people with emotional problems, the best strategy might be to continue being kind, consistent, and fun, so that he can see the contrast with the OW he is meeting. Thinking I might e-mail XH to ask if he wants to go biking or to a movie this weekend, since he has initiated table tennis the last 2-3 times. Any ideas? Are there any men out there with ideas????

GAG

[Mila]

Hi GAG, I know that you are asking for a man's opinion, but I'll offer mine anyway. The advice we get re: reconnecting is to let them set the pace....so I don't know if you should instigate meetings. What did Judy say on the subject?

[dolphin_05]

Lots of interesting stuff to comment on here GAG but I have just sent you a fairly lengthy reply on my thread so I'll pop back tomorrow to have a bit more to say. My bed is calling!

[courageous wife]

Hi GAG

Anything new with you?

[ericmsant2]

GAG,

I need to somehow try to move this forward into the romantic zone from here

Be yourself GAG – no tactics…just be you. IMO, you cannot maintain tactics…you can only maintain a true change in yourself. So just be YOU. YOU should be good enough for him. Hell if you want reach over and plant one on him – I say f-it go for it. That will give him the hint! Just be ready for the response to it.

I feel like I am firmly in the friend zone.

What is the basis of every strong M?

Wondering why I even care at this point......but I've always been like a dog with a bone.

So GAG…I think I am wrong here BUT….are you doing this because you are like a dog with a bone? OR are you doing this because you love this man. Because really YOU DO CARE?

painstakingly slow

What is the old say….good things come to those who……

We talked a bit about how many people have mental health problems and I said that that is why I am not dating right now (probably bad DB'ing).

I would call this HONESTY…which is MUST be the foundation for any HEALTHY R. Sometime GAG, I think we need to throw out the DB’ing tactic and just be real but hey what do I know.

I'm frustrated that I feel stuck in the friend zone

How much does Love mean to YOU?

How much is enough?

Have those changes that YOU made for YOU really sunk in?

AND

FTR, did you say you don’t quit….so…Go get YOUR man GAG…Go snag his butt!

Thinking I might e-mail XH to ask if he wants to go biking or to a movie this weekend, since he has initiated table tennis the last 2-3 times. Any ideas? Are there any men out there with ideas????

GAG – I do not know you….but based on your post you sound pretty strong and pretty centered. Before I answer the above question…let me ask you one. Is the man that you want to be with, capable of accepting and appreciating a woman asking him out? Is that the type of man you want to be with? One that can respect a woman for her honesty, openness and strength?

My answer to your question…..Yes invite him out but do it in a very casual way…maybe start with a “what are you doing XXXX day” or something like that…see how he responds and then go for it.

Good luck,
Eric

[goodattitudegirl]

Mila, Cas, CW, and eric,

Thanks for your feedback (Cas, thanks for your lengthy reply last week on your thread)!......and great to be back with all of you again! I missed you all!

Catching up on the last week.........I visited with the handwriting expert last thursday for 1 1/2 hours. She was fabulous! We looked at the package and contents (i.e. "He's Just Not that into You" book) from the anonymous sender under her microscope. She gave interesting feedback about the package (the label was printed with an inkjet printer, not a laser printer, there might be 2 hairs, not just 1 hair stuck in the tape, there appeared to be small chunks of chocolate stuck between the pages [more about that later] .........). She noted several distinctive similarities between the printed words in the package sent to me and printed words on the wedding card given to XH and me by his BMF. She said there is reason to think that BMF wrote in the "He's Just Not that into You" book sent to me, but would need additional writing samples to do a full analysis.

Interestingly, I played table tennis with XH tonight for 2 hours (we laughed and joked a LOT.......had a LOT of fun). Afterward we walked to our cars and chatted for about 10-15 minutes. XH said that he and BMF were friends again. I asked how XH knew that BMF was no longer jealous of XH and BMF's XW's friendship (sorry this is confusing and convoluted). XH said that BMF seemed to be OK with their friendship...........here's the interesting part............XH said that he had found an article that had OW#2's fingerprints on it and he had put it in a ziplock bag for me for fingerprint analysis (think there is writing on it too for analysis).....Then XH said that he would be seeing BMF tomorrow evening and could try to get fingerprint samples from BMF for me......So, XH must still be suspicious of BMF. He said that if he found out that BMF had lied to him about sending the package to me, it would really affect their friendship.......So XH is still suspicious of BMF.

I spoke with the forensic scientist today. I will be giving him the package contents (i.e. book) next week for fingerprint analysis.....I'm also testing the chocolate chunks for THC content (I know that BMF eats chocolate chex mix with cannabis butter).......so hopefully within a few weeks, I will know the answer to this mystery.........At this point I am doing the analysis for ME. I want to know who sent me the menacing package. If BMF sent it and XH refuses to see him for who he is, then I think it will be time for me to pull the plug on XH. Don't know if he would be capable of seeing how destructive BMF was on our R if that turns out to be the case............But that said, I have seen a handful of miracles in my situation...so I will wait to see what God has in store for me when that time comes.

I spoke with Jody on saturday. There was a lot of movement in my situation, so we spent most of the time catching up. However, she DID have a few memorable comments. Jody said that from her experience counseling it is her opinion that there aren't that many good, stable men and women out there. She said that from her experience, as XH dates more unstable OW that I will look better and better in his eyes. Jody said that recently several people that she has been coaching (like me) who have been at this with MLCers for 2-3 years, are beginning to see interesting changes (forward movement) in their situations. She said that she has been a DB coach for 4 years and it is her observation that MLC takes longer to resolve than many of the books indicate. (That seems like bad news for many of us here).

Jody also gave me pointers on how to interact with XH in my sitch. She suggested that the next time XH and I get together and talk about the anonymous package, that just as we're saying goodnight, I should lean into XH, give him a peck on the cheek and say "Thanks for taking me seriously about this anonymous package situation".........I did this tonight and XH didn't pull away or cringe or anything when I planted a nice, long kiss on his cheek....In fact, we BOTH hugged for awhile (longer than just a perfunctory hug).........After I got home, there was a VM on the home phone for XH (from Home Depot). I phoned him and we chatted a couple minutes.........then a bit later we texted back and forth a couple times.

.......so maybe this isn't total friend zone stuff after all........not sure.

Sorry this was so long...but I wanted to share Jody's feedback with you all.

GAG