I think the house foreclosure process that was put in place because of a lack of incomes on both of their parts killed whatever security she was holding on to, I'm sure she's glad to get rid of the house and be free of mza because she blames him for losing the security in her life. Every time she looks at him, talks to him, communicates in any way to him, she is reminded of that fact that he killed the security in her life, no kids, no house and having to start all over again from scratch at her age is something I'm sure she is deeply resentful of, most people would be.
Well that's just wonderful. I'm not disagreeing with you just upset with myself that I am responsible for taking away her security. Huh, I just thought to myself that I can't win and remembered that's exactly what W said to me last week about her.
She does blame me for the house, she told me so. When I asked her why she cried in the basement last week she told me because it's hard with the house. This makes me feel miserable everyday. It's her decision though for her to start all over. She doesn't have to. It's her choice to leave. As far as the house we can always get another/better house.
Several months ago I even offered to her that she move back in to the house. I said I would not move back in so she can be alone. I offered to bring all of the furniture back and also have the dogs stay with her. I said I would still pay half for all of the bills. I wanted her to have time by herself. She said she thought about it but didn't think it was a good idea.
If she would have signed any of the loan modifications we were offered we could have saved the house...for either her to live there or to give us unlimited time to sell it. She chose not to do any of it. She's so hurt and not trusting. Not sure what else I can do to help that with her? There is a very slight possibility that I can still sign the "trial" loan modification by myself without needing her signature. The bank said they might accept this. If that's the case then I might be able to stop the foreclosure. I would be responsible for the trial period payments myself. It would be very tight for me. I don't care though. Maybe I can pull it off to give us more time to sell the house. Looking into this possibility.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
It is her decision to leave and start over. I think it's important though to keep in mind all the factors that contributed to her decision.
Yes, it was her choice not to sign the loan modifications. But it was your choice not to get a job for 2 years despite her asking you to over and over again. It was your choice not to go to C'ing back then and take control of your depression. Those two years of you not working and dealing with your depression were crucial factors.
You can't change it now but I would advise you to do whatever you can do to get this house of of both of your lives. Foreclosure will be equal consequences - you did not get the job when you should have and she did not sign the papers when she should have. I think 'more time' with this house will send her (and you) over the edge and set you up for a legal divorce that will not be pleasant.
Some women need security and some don't. You knew early on though your W is not skilled at dealing with real life things so her need for security was clear very early on. She may never allow you to provide her with security again but don't prolong the torture.
I'm not being ugly but think about what you are saying? You, as her security provider, could not even handle the house you have now. Why *would* she want to even consider getting a new/better house with you?
You are letting too many of your desires get in the way here.
Stop saying you can't win. This isn't about winning. You had the chance to "win" for two years before she left you and you were unable to embrace the opportunity. All you can do is learn from it and be sure you never are in that place again.
Women in their 30's that can't deal with any sort of real life issue aren't real hot commodities on the dating market. Your W will soon learn that. Or she will wind up w/somebody as needy as she is. One day she will realize the one person who attempted to stabilize life for her was the person she fought the most. She won't see that now but one day she will.
I think the house foreclosure process that was put in place because of a lack of incomes on both of their parts killed whatever security she was holding on to, I'm sure she's glad to get rid of the house and be free of mza because she blames him for losing the security in her life. Every time she looks at him, talks to him, communicates in any way to him, she is reminded of that fact that he killed the security in her life, no kids, no house and having to start all over again from scratch at her age is something I'm sure she is deeply resentful of, most people would be.
Well that's just wonderful. I'm not disagreeing with you just upset with myself that I am responsible for taking away her security. Huh, I just thought to myself that I can't win and remembered that's exactly what W said to me last week about her.
She does blame me for the house, she told me so. When I asked her why she cried in the basement last week she told me because it's hard with the house. This makes me feel miserable everyday. It's her decision though for her to start all over. She doesn't have to. It's her choice to leave. As far as the house we can always get another/better house.
Several months ago I even offered to her that she move back in to the house. I said I would not move back in so she can be alone. I offered to bring all of the furniture back and also have the dogs stay with her. I said I would still pay half for all of the bills. I wanted her to have time by herself. She said she thought about it but didn't think it was a good idea.
If she would have signed any of the loan modifications we were offered we could have saved the house...for either her to live there or to give us unlimited time to sell it. She chose not to do any of it. She's so hurt and not trusting. Not sure what else I can do to help that with her? There is a very slight possibility that I can still sign the "trial" loan modification by myself without needing her signature. The bank said they might accept this. If that's the case then I might be able to stop the foreclosure. I would be responsible for the trial period payments myself. It would be very tight for me. I don't care though. Maybe I can pull it off to give us more time to sell the house. Looking into this possibility.
mza I'm not saying that any of this is fair and when it happens to you it sucks and I know at the time that you didn't have a job you were going through a tough period in your life and I know it would have been a lot easier if you had some support that you obviously didn't have during that rough patch.
Chin up bro, if nothing else, it's a learning experience, something to grow from.
CG, I agree with you about the past. I did give her the security she needed for many years. Those last couple of years were so difficult for me. It felt like my world was crashing down on me and now matter how hard I tried to fix things I couldn't. That's when I was looking to her for something, anything as far as even the slightest bit of support. Anyway, that's all in the past for me now and I've learned to let go of that time in my life as it serves me no good purpose now. I will always remember how it affected me so that I never allow myself to be that way again.
W wants to look at those past two years and base our entire M on that. Yes, we hit a rough patch for two years but I would think a M couple helps each other through it and not run from it. Whatever at this point. I can't/won't argue with her anymore or try to get her to think logically about it.
Yes, it is her decision to cut and run. If she wants to base her decision on a couple of very difficult years when the rest of the M was very good then that's her choice. I don't have to agree with it but I know that's her choice. IMO, there's no way a M can heal if you hold on to the past. In some way everyone's sitch is based on the WAS holding on to something from the past which prevents them from moving forward together.
I watched the MWD video on WAW again last night and she is so on the money with my W it's scary. MWD describing the WAW feelings of hurt, trust, etc. are spot on. It was like I was listening to these words being spoken by my W. Anyway, maybe you're right CG, maybe one day my W will realize that I was/am the person who fought to stabilize her life.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
Thanks Robx. This is the week something will happen with the house. It either sells this week, I get the foreclosure stopped or it goes to foreclousre at week's end. Probably one of the most stressful weeks of my life coming up. Add to that no contact from W now and her being upset with me from last week and it's just icing on the cake. The most critical week that I need to talk to her about these things with the house and she will ignore me.
Anyway, I can't worry about that. I will focus on my only mission this week which is the house. The good news is we have the potential buyers looking at the house again today and they are supposedly going to put in a contract. That would solve this whole issue once and for all. It would be my miracle. Wish me luck everyone. It would be nice to finally have this house issue gone for both W and I. This would take care of the last part of our financial mess. We've lived with it for so long I won't know what to do with myself if it's finally resolved this week. It would be nice not to have any more drama...for both of us.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
Good luck bro, don't be a hard a$$ on the price of the house, negotiate if it makes the house more attractive to the buyers, selling the house at a lower price than expected is better than the banks foreclosing on it and you getting nothing whatsoever from the home.
It will be a tough week but I think you can handle it, becoming self-reliant is important and when you get the job done without her help, it will be another good learning experience for you.
Women in their 30's that can't deal with any sort of real life issue aren't real hot commodities on the dating market.
Good point CG. When I was meeting women for the first time. I could pretty much tell if she had her act together. Men too don't want to date a 30+YO who doesn't have a solid foundation.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Add to that no contact from W now and her being upset with me from last week and it's just icing on the cake. The most critical week that I need to talk to her about these things with the house and she will ignore me.
Like you said, don't worry about it.
Take control of the situation for yourself.
Once this house issue isn't affecting both your lives, things will change.
It up to you, how you want to change them.
Good luck and PMA
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
So far so good with the house. Looks like we will have a good chance to get a contract tomorrow...we'll see. Praying that it happens.
Called W to update her and got her voice mail...no problem. I left her a message with the update, told her I would contact her tomorrow as soon as I hear something and then I wished her a good night.
We'll see what tomorrow brings.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
If she would have signed any of the loan modifications we were offered we could have saved the house...for either her to live there or to give us unlimited time to sell it. She chose not to do any of it. She's so hurt and not trusting. Not sure what else I can do to help that with her?
let go of the house. let go of her. that is how you can help her. that is how you can help yourself.
you both need time to grow as individuals. hanging on waiting to see what tomorrow brings is not helping her. its is hurting her.
that is why she doesn't answer your calls. that is why she doesn't talk to you about anything other than the house. she is escaping from the hurt and the pain and the broken dreams and disappointments. free her from that. in time she will look at you through different eyes because you had that strength and confidence in her and yourself.
it is hurting you. you have been at this for a year and things have gotten worse not better. its time to realize reality:
the best thing you can do is give her what she wants. no matter how hard it hurts. that is true love.
