It is sad that you are not with the family, but you did the best you could by reaching out.
IB, I've told you more than once that I think you are way too hard on yourself. You are still very early into this and grieving has its own timetable.
I keep telling you this because I did the same thing for a long time and I dont want to see you do it, too. I got so many 2 x 4's early on that I went to the doctor to check for a concussion. LOL!
Really, though, you are doing wonderfully. Take each day as it comes.
You will see that slowly you learn a new way of living your life.