Ok, so I've been lurking for about a month and decided it was time to post. I don't know the abbreviations yet but here it is...
I'm 34, my walk away boyfriend is 42. We have 2 children- 4 and 2. We had been together 11 years. 10 months ago he came to me and said he wasn't happy and he was leaving. He moved in with a friend 4 days later and 3 weeks later I was served with custody papers. He was still in our home like usual except he would leave to sleep at his friends 3 or 4 nights a week. He slept on the couch the other nights to "help with the kids". Four months later he got his own apartment but was still here every day after work and stayed over 3 nights a week. We went through mediation in May and he started taking the kids just one night a week in August. He is still here every other night of the week and weekends. He leaves to go to his apartment to sleep.
So... I spent the first 8 months begging, pleading etc to get him to stay. He agreed to go to counseling two months after he left but only to discuss the transition. We did get to work on some relationship stuff but he always said it was only to be better co-parents. He uses words like never, ever moving back in- working on the relationship etc. We are not going anymore- he is willing but if we aren't moving towards trying to get back together I feel done.
In counseling we discussed why he was so unhappy and I worked hard to make changes but he has always said it was too late or I was just doing it now because he left. You guys can relate! I have finally stopped talking about the changes and I am just consistently doing them.
So fast forward to now. Things are much better since I started following some of the advice from the book. No relationship talk.... 180's... We are finally through some of his anger etc. and I feel like we are really becoming friends. It is just so slow going it is painful. No indication from him he wants to work on this. I feel like I am losing steam.
The kids overnights with him and our time apart with the kids gets progressively more and more as the months past until we reach our final agreement. I know I need to let it get there but it's hard to when things are going so well. The kids are thriving and our parenting is going better than ever. We are in this weird limbo. We are acting like a family but he says we aren't anymore and we aren't a couple. I am still paying for a lot of things for him... I know- so wrong. He needs to go live this life he wants but things are going well so I don't want to rock the boat.
Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.
Yes, I do know the friend he moved in with and I have been to his apartment with the kids. I have zero evidence or thoughts he has OW. He is here so much...
The more I hear spouses protest that their WAS couldn't be cheating, the sadder I become. It's as if their protestations make the likelihood that much stronger. After all, if their gut/instincts were so good, why were they surprised by the Bomb?
At this point I don't feel like that would hurt me much more than the past 10 months has. This has been the hardest time to get through... especially trying to shield the kids and still be a good mom to them.
He needs to go live this life he wants but things are going well so I don't want to rock the boat.
Yeah, he serves you with papers, you still pay his way, he comes and goes as he pleases. He can keep this up as long as you let him.
No more paying his way.
No more him spending the night. It confuses the kids as well.
Learn what boundaries are, you are a doormat - not attractive.
You can change all of this. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
