You guys are great. I have gained much from all of you and it helps me get through the day.
I have 3 boys 7, 9 and 12 and the C says she is over halfway on the MLC.
Meanwhile I just got the report from one of my inside coworkers that My W and the OM were spotted by one of her coworkers in a local supermarket parking lot being more than just friends, embracing, kissing etc.
I am one month out from the D day and it has been extremely hard for me of course since I take care of everything now at home while she leaves and needs her space. The Doc calls OM a fantasy and makes lite of it but still it stings badly.
I know her childhood was neglect by her father but it still is tough to just let it go and let God. Everyone I have confided with says I have become stronger and will make it through. I keep hearing the "Things will be much better for you after this is over" line from friends but the faith in this gets shaky with me. You guys show so much strength in this I don't know how you do it.
My W is heading exactly for sleepers scenario and his W sounds just like mine. It is scary to look at the future like Ebeneezer Scrooge when I read the posts. My boys will have to suffer through this when she has her 50% custody and it will be excruciating for me. I love my boys more than anything in this world and holding out for the Alien to return from the mothership has got me screaming inside.
Doc says she will come your way and then pull back. Yup, experienced this lately but when the mothership activates the tractor beam it just seems hopeless. I am DBing at all times and it has paid off but as the D day creeps closer, It just doesn't seem fast enough. As far as I can tell, no rock bottom has been hit so I am going to have to fasten my seatbelt.
I hate having to rely on friends to hear my sitch but they have been awesome for me to get some kind of sanity in my head. I always thank them so they know that I really do appreciate listening to the unbelievable stuff about someone they once knew as my W. They are all baffled too. They all envied our marriage before the bomb was dropped. It sure was a blissful marriage for me and my W bragged about me being a good father/husband to everyone she met.
Thanks for letting me vent here.
Tell us more WS, BTW hit the "enter" every now and then, it makes it easier to read. I have done that here for you.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I have read so much on this and I still feel like I don't know squat. I am an analyzer of problems and of course I think I can fix this. Fix what? Fix myself, which is what I would have to do if this divorce goes through. I know I can't fix the alien. They speak martian. Really, when they talk they bait you for arguments and want to declare war.
My wife really is in MLC and how do I know?
The psychotherapist is behind me with what I say. For instance, my wife will come home from the therapist and not say anything about the visit. I have never tried to pry and find out "How did it go?" Or anything like that. I learned early on that would be pressure.
Then what happens is a day or to later she says Dr. so and so said this might have something to do with my dad! Then she said you are like my dad! I am nothing like her dad. He was an alcoholic and treated her mom like crap. I noticed this when I was dating her 20 years ago.
After we engaged, I not only was in love with her, but I was her knight in shining armor and took her away from the mess there. I felt good about that but that was not why I married her. She really is a wonderful woman, but nobody gave me the heads up on this BS.
We were envied by all of our friends and relatives on the wonderful relationship we had.
Everything I read was this is a time bomb that WILL happen and just needs a trigger. I think the trigger was a stressful move to our home 2.5 years ago.
My point is, the therapist asks her about her childhood and never asked me anything like that even once. All I get is be the best YOU you can be. So now I do 99% of laundry, dishes, etc. Along with the maintenance of the place. Mowing, fixing and entertaining and transport of my 3 boys. I don't mind so much because I love them very much too.
My wife is very much like an android alien in the home. She pretty much does her own thing. She makes her presence known and then goes to work out on an elliptical machine. (She is not working out for me of course! That would be silly!)That is the "Im getting old" part of this that she thinks is happening to her.
She will give me little hints of what is on her mind and what I have read about is their mind is a mess. I still have not found out what is going on in her head. Just yesterday I told her I wish I could live in her head for a couple hours or maybe a day.
She told me I would go nuts with the mayhem that is happening. At times she is confused and even says things that do not make sense. For instance, "What Christmas eve service are we going to go to?" and I say "What?" and she says "What Christmas eve service are we going to?" and I say "Christmas eve?" then she looks at me in sheer shock of what she said and it turns into a scared panic look. Um... this was just this last friggin' 4th of July weekend that she said this.
These instances of weirdness have been rare in the last six months but I can think of about 3 instances like that. Her voice will trail off and I will act as if nothing happened. My wife is an extremely intelligent woman. When the tractor beam is on, all bets are off.
So... GAL.... I think you asked. With 3 boys and a job and a home and a MLC wife, How can you get a life? When the boys are in school I workout. Lost 40+ lbs from 215 down to 170 ish. Yup the LBS diet. At least I did not have to do drugs (AD). Also attend church and bible study. I could not make it without my faith. I have hobbies, but on backburner cause I can't seem to get my head in it yet. That WILL change one way or another.
Other women have noticed me now but I don't notice them much. I know that I could bail at anytime and find love again but of course that is not going to work for me at this point.
My wife is sick. I am going to take care of her as much as it takes. If she was full of cancer, I would not hesitate to take care of her. If the divorce happens, this is not over. It will just be more mess for me to clean up.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I feel a conspiracy here. LOL. Nice Job MHL! I would be happy to deliver the Corona and I hope I can.
Some people just have excuses. Maybe poor ones. That would be me.
Hear me out though, I am not feeling sorry for myself.
I am a little embarrassed here but the truth is I really was not looking for help. I have always been a self help person. I find myself helping others first before I help myself. I feel uncomfortable with that last sentence. I feel uncomfortable because I wish I could help more than I do.
I really hate leaning on people. I feel guilty about that. I also acknowledge that I need help. The people on these boards are amazing. I have learned so much, by reading these boards, I have not spent any time putting out my own sitch.
Since I started posting here, I am so thankful for the help I have been given. The people here are the real deal. They would not last if they were shallow, and you can see right through them if they are. I also get the pay forward philosophy. I believe in that too. <Insert Bible passage here>.
Yes, I see that in my marriage too. I was a rescuer for my wife and this MLC stuff made me kick in to gear. After bomb drop I was desperate for information to kill the pain. I also knew the nonsense spewing from her mouth on bomb drop day was just a bunch of BS. There had to be an explanation for the weirdness.
I did not realize this curse/nightmare/trauma really existed. God has truly blessed my life and looking back, I would not have changed a thing. I really only have good memories of my marriage and have erased the things that were not so good. It is a mental brainwashing of sorts but it is an optimistic point of view.
I felt my wife saw it the same way. She said she did, she acted as if she did, she told others, family and strangers that I was a great husband and she felt blessed too.
Am I a perfect husband? Nope. Never claimed to be. I have seen my shortcomings through this more and more BUT I am glad I get to see them.
Another reason I have not posted my sitch, is because her OM has done this to another woman years ago and she divorced him and went back to her original husband after 2 years. 2 years? Sounds like a MLC situation with that woman. That led me to believe this wonderful product of a human being knows what MLC is. Since he knows what it is, I grew paranoid that he might be lurking here. I really did not want to expose information to this OM.
How do I know this? My wacky W told me this after bomb drop. Too wacky for my wife to make the connection? She would have scolded anybody else in a similar situation. She must be different.
This guy is not a great catch. He is definitely an affair down or two or three. Of course she blames me for the affair.
I am reaching the point that I realize that my wife is going to have to go through the tunnel no matter how long it takes. I also know that I am uncovering my true self that has been locked up for many years.
I also am developing a fear for this. This is really stupid but I find myself feeling a little less restricted on things that I want to do. I feel a little guilty at the same time feel resentful that I have been held down for many years. I was always putting others needs first and backburnering (Is that word legal?) any of my goals or ideas.
How much is too much in giving in a marriage? That is a difficult question. When you have a wife with high expectations, there is never enough giving in a marriage. She had high expectations for herself, failed most of them, and expected others to fulfill the expectations she could not do on her own. And you better do it in a short amount of time, because there are so many more other expectations that need to be attended to. However, I never criticized her failures because I did not know they were failures. She would bring the failures to my attention and I would wonder why she was being so hard on herself.
I would remind her to cut herself some slack and be a little more realistic at the goals you are setting. In addition, be proud of what you did accomplish and I complimented her on many things. That really did not fly with her and left me puzzled.
She truly gave a lot and I told her so. She was a wonderful wife and became a super mom when we started to have kids. We were noticed by many to be a beautiful family. We were asked many times by our church to become marriage mentors.
Many saw our life and commented to us on how we have it all. I agreed and did thank God daily for our blessings.
I would have been great with being a marriage mentor
but I knew that our busy schedules would be stretched to their limits the way they were.
My Wife did not seem to feel she had the time either.
UNTIL....
Some trigger that started changing her behavior almost 3 years ago from now.
It does not matter what it was, I know, but I speculate anyway for my own sanity.
My middle son, 6 or so at the time, broke both his arms while doing a stunt off the bed he saw a teenager do. We rushed him to the hospital in agonizing pain and that school year was rough to watch. He broke them a day or two before school started that year. Having his older brother help him at lunch and the difficulty in writing with two casts on at the same time was hard to imagine but impressed the faculty who saw this.
During this time, my wife was struggling at her job and hated going to work everyday. She complained almost daily. It was not the work, it was the people she worked with.
She decided the grass would be greener moving into a different school district. Getting the house ready for sale, trying to sell on our own, and the resulting move in the winter around Christmas was the worst and very stressful for me and most likely her.
She finally got a promotion during this time and now was scared/unsure of her abilities to perform well in this new position. I told her she would be wonderful at this new position and I had no doubts that she would do very well. There was huge stress in learning the new position and feeling inadequate to perform the duties to be successful. I never thought she would have any trouble but again she felt she would always be struggling and had a fear of not performing well.
I know I am just throwing down a bunch of thoughts here but that was what went through my head. If I was a perfectionist, I would make a rough draft and then start over and over until I got it right which would never truly be right. So you all will have to suffer with my random thoughts on this one. Never said I was a good poster or book writer. Heck, I can't type as fast as PEI, but I will get this stuff on here one way or another.
I hear you on bringing it up to the latest update MHL, I will do that too.
Since my W filed back in February, court days have been shuffled a bit.
We had one in Aug to have a preliminary hearing. We have 50/50 here in our state. By the time this is done, I know it won't feel like 50/50. Kids and money.
Now we will have one on Oct 4 for temporary placement (children) and financial separation. Even this may change because she said it may not be necessary now. Believe none of what they say...
She has moved out of the bedroom now for about a month.
I stopped with the snooping months ago about the OM.
She indicated she is moving out to her OWN place.
I have no idea what that means. She has mentioned a house, a townhouse etc.
She mentioned she needs to borrow money from her dad to buy furniture for wherever she ends up.
She mentioned a month ago she is staying.
She mentioned on 4th of July she was staying.
Her actions never meet up with her words.
We both see the same IC every week.
Some weeks it seems to help, and some weeks can't say it does anything. Joint sessions don't work and cannot work through this crisis. It is all about them and the marriage is dead. Marriage counseling makes no sense in their world, we aren't married dummy!!
I know this crisis is hugely hormonal. Many perimenopause symptoms. Night sweats, electric shock sensations in legs, been described as rubber band snaps too. Low vitamin D, probably low estrogen, fatigue, depression, trouble sleeping, look up menopause symptoms, my wife has them.
Lots of projection anger. Behavior changes on a dime.
I think my wife wrote all the scripts for MLC. She wrote all the behavior too. We should be making millions by now. Somebody stole MLC for dummies from her. She can't function without it, please give it back.
Getting a little tired and punchy right now. I will have to do a chronological breakdown to journal some of the wacky things I have been blown away with.
The best way for us to help you is for you to share. Good and bad.
It is hard to put yourself out there for the scrutiny of others. But really this is a safe place I believe.
The challenges (read 2X4's) are for you not for someone's ego. It may bruise yours on the way ...
But it is the only way to learn and grow.
So to start
Originally Posted By: Warrior
How much is too much in giving in a marriage? That is a difficult question. When you have a wife with high expectations, there is never enough giving in a marriage. She had high expectations for herself, failed most of them, and expected others to fulfill the expectations she could not do on her own.
Too much giving is when you sacrifice yourself for your marriage.
I saw a lot about your W and what she needs or wants up there ^^^^
What about Warrior?
Is Warrior just Mrs. Warrior's husband?
Is that how you would define yourself?
It seems to me the first order of business my friend is to dig up that old dude you used to be before you were consumed by your M.
I want to hear more about Warrior.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I am a little embarrassed here but the truth is I really was not looking for help. I have always been a self help person. I find myself helping others first before I help myself. I feel uncomfortable with that last sentence. I feel uncomfortable because I wish I could help more than I do.
I really hate leaning on people. I feel guilty about that. I also acknowledge that I need help. The people on these boards are amazing. I have learned so much, by reading these boards, I have not spent any time putting out my own sitch.
Since I started posting here, I am so thankful for the help I have been given. The people here are the real deal. They would not last if they were shallow, and you can see right through them if they are. I also get the pay forward philosophy. I believe in that too. <Insert Bible passage here>.
WS, Thanks for sharing. What you may not realize and I don't know if any of us realize just how many people read the words we write. By posting your story here you are not only helping yourself but many, many others not just the registered users on the board.
There are so many people out there lurking and never even register, you can still read all the threads.
Some people register and never post but they read....
And then there are people like us who share our stories, our pain, our tears, our struggles, our accolades and our growth while on our journey.
There are literally thousands that may be reading these words, looking for hope, in shadow of despair and anguish and hopefully they find that hope that they will survive this and that life can and will be "good" again.
So WS, keep posting and tell us more b/c you are helping many by just simply telling your story.
Last edited by missherlove; 09/28/1011:19 AM.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Has anyone noticed that it seems to be the emotionally resiliant partner that ends up on this Board dealing with the partner in MLC? My husband is a trained sniper, career soldier, roughest, toughest omhbre this side of John Wayne, BUT, emotionally, I've fought tougher ant colonies.
Your feelings of wanting to solve it yourself are quite natural. You've always been able to handle to rought stuff. As have we all. And, in our own different ways, we'll handle this. Having a place to go to for support; private, respectful, offering ideas but not shoving them down your throat, is a blessing we all share with one another.
Again, Thank you for sharing. You may be surprised whose already walked in your exact steps and may be able to offer support and advice.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
