SP...I have to share a bit with you...I know you have heard this before but...you need to realize that your wife is mentally ill (and probably always has been).
My father was also mentally ill, and my brother and I, along with many other family members, never really "got it" for such a long time. His behaviors were so confusing. We spent hours/days talking amongst ourselves, trying to figure out what to do or how to handle this latest issue.
My mom was the only one who really "got it" (even though it took her 12 years, and she married him and divorced him TWICE)...but once she "got it", then she stopped trying to "figure it out". There simply IS NO FIGURING IT OUT. You cannot and will not "figure it out". All the wondering you are doing on how she could do this after she said that, and all the many variations on this, will never get you any closer to figuring it out. You will never have closure on how or why she could do any of it. You cannot have closure with a mentally ill person.
I was lucky that I did finally understand what it takes to deal with a mentally ill person by the time I was about 30. At that point, I was no longer hurt or disappointed by my father, even though he would do things that should hurt and disappoint any daughter. But I "get it" now. I cannot compare him or his actions to a person who is not mentally ill. To try to make such a comparison will make you crazy!
So eventually...you accept that there is no answer to the questions you are asking..."why would she say one thing one day and the opposite thing the next day"...."why would she screw me over and then claim to want to be my friend"....there are NO ANSWERS to these questions.
The only answer, to all of them, is this: "She is mentally ill".
That doesn't mean she shouldn't be accountable or get a free pass or whatever. But what it does mean is that you will have to set up emotional boundaries within YOURSELF, where you don't let her or her actions or choices INTO YOUR MIND.
