I have been posting here for about 5-6 months. I have been coping with the fallout of a WAW, the pending destruction of our family, the separation of myself from my two kids (on a daily basis), the pain, guilt and desperation of wanting so much to fix my family. I have been DBing via here and on the phone and unfortunately nothing has worked. My W is committed to breaking us apart. I recently met with a lawyer because my W is pushing us into mediation and I have even spoken to a few mediators to learn about the process.
As I've stated, my W sees no hope for our M, only a friendly supportive partnership as parents to our 2-year-old twin boys. She puts everything into caring for the kids and has given up caring about us. She is a horrible communicator, she's inhibited and she's not good at talking about her feelings. So rather than deal with the emotional aspects, she'd rather end it all.
I have dealt with the mood swings, the nice one day, distant the next. I have given her my absolute best for 6 months and the best thing is that I am a new person and my relationship with my kids is incredibly strong. She is happy that I have become such a great father, but it doesn't change her personal feelings. She leans on me heavily to deal with raising the kids and taking care of daily business -- from playing with them, changing diapers, feeding, or just doing something with them to give her a breather. I do it all and I have my doubts she will be able to handle it alone. In fact, I think it's going to eat her up. But it's not like I ever feel appreciation for how much I do -- just like it's expected.
But I have accepted letting her go, dropping the rope and giving her what she wants. She wants her freedom from me, so I guess she will get it. Speaking to mediators and lawyers feels so abnormal and it stirs up a lot of emotions in me. I grow desperate wanting to avoid the pain of going through with this.
I sort of believe there is no amount of DBing that will do any good anymore. Like it's time to bite the bullet and accept the fact that she's over me. I can't reconcile having two beautiful twins 2 years ago and now starting down the road to divorce. I just can't believe it.
Part of me feels like I will never stop fighting for us -- even after we S. Why? Because she is the mother of my kids and I will always love her for that.
I need to hear words of hope. That even when the writing is on the wall there is always a chance. Tell me something positive. Tell me it's never over. I have been told to separate some of the helpful things I do from our R so she feels like she is losing me. Stop picking things up at the market, stop fixing things around the house (which is hers), and stop making things as easy as I can for her. But I can't help helping. I would fix something anytime because it affects my kids and my W's peace of mind.
I talk to mediators and ask them to tell me a success story about couples who've reconciled after starting the mediation process. This would be easier if we didn't have kids, but every time I think of them I just lose myself in the idea of not being with them all the time -- and no amount of "but it will be better for you down the road" helps me feel better.
As we start this process how do you suggest I handle it? Lawyers tell me to "play nice" and make it easy for her so that your R with your W is as positive as possible and you keep your kids' welfare first. Is there anything in DB that I can actually do at this late stage? Even though I have said I let go, I don't think I ever truly will. I will always want my family to be together.
Mediation I am told can run 6-10 sessions no more than 2X a month, so I do have some time since I am not leaving without a parenting agreement on paper. Should I vanish? Leave her alone? Not help so much? How do I cope with this?
