Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

Another rough weekend. S must either have a new flu bug or had a relapse. He was fighting a 101 fever all weekend and was just miserable. A lot of long nights for me again. =/

Interesting weekend on the H front though. Things are "back to normal" so to speak. After the attack on Thursday night, Friday night, he was back to his old conversational texts, remarking how busy it was at work that night, etc. Saturday was kind of the same and I let him know how sick S was again. Saturday night, he asked if we were going to church on Sunday, which we weren't b/c S was too sick (but not like it matters anyways, b/c H has never gotten there before the time we would have been home anyways). He said he wanted to come see S on Sunday but had to take pics of the new place first(btw, Tuesday is the last day at the old place). Sunday comes and he takes forever to get there. S is supposed to go down for his nap by 2, but H doesn't even get there until 2:15, so he saw S for like 15 mins & then S was too tired & grouchy and had to go down for his nap. So then we have some time to talk, so H is looking at the newspaper ads, and talking about going to the new place, but totally coming off as a cocky jerk. (ie. how every server at the old place had asked to come with him to work at the new place; how all the customers said they only come when he works there, etc etc). I had to do all I could not to continuously roll my eyes. Then he brought up his apartment again. He said how he wanted to do month to month, but they were going to raise his rent by $300 a month! Then he said according to the original lease, he can do a 3 to 6 months at the current rate, so he's going to do 3 months. Interesting though. I guess I'm just scared to dive into it more, so I didn't ask any questions, but I would have to assume this has to do with us, right? Why else not just renew for longer? He said he likes that place - his neighbors are quiet, he has a close parking spot, rent is decent. On the other hand, I'm still quite put off that he hasn't invited me there. Yes, I could probably do an ulitimatum like thing to get in, but I want him to WANT to have me there. Also, while we were talking, I asked if he was feeling less dark now. He said, that yes, he was still stressed, but the darkness let up a couple of days ago (surprise, suprise, right when he got back to normal texting me. I wonder if he made that connection too? Probably not - he's not usually that insightful).

After he left, it put me in a weird funk again. I have been doing just fine without him for these two weeks. I hadn't seen him, and really I was ok with it (& in some ways happy not to be dealing with his drama in person). But after I saw him on Sunday, and after we got thru the initial cocky talk and had some real talk, all the feelings came back and I missed him and felt lonely. My heart feels so sad, but my brain keeps trying to bring back reason ("look what he keeps doing to you", "can u really ever trust him?", "how do you know there's not another OW right now or even still OW3?") It grounds me a little, but I'm definitely feeling the lonliness right now. When we're together, it's like we're good together and are meant to be together...but then the rest of life gets in the way. I had a nostalgic morning too. I drove by OUR house that's being rented out now, and teared up thinking, I just want my house back and more than anything, I just want my family back!

Last thing to note. We were texting last night & H asked if I still had some fancy watches of his. At first I joked that I had sold him, but I had them still. H then says how he would like to trade in one of them to get me a nice watch ("since a good timepiece lasts forever" he says). I didn't really know how to respond, so I just said that that would be nice. What's up with this expensive gift stage going on with these H's! Well, more importantly though, is we'll see if he actually follows thru. So I'm not exactly sure where my emotions are at right now. So much of me wants it to work, but I don't know, i just look at him & I can't imagine him ever really changing....