Albuquerque living

[MHL]

It'll be interesting to see what excuse he uses to get out of it since I fully expect he doesn't want to face me today.

Al,
Sorry, I am on a tear today, had alot of sleep over the weekend, and dried out a little. Something is wrong .....LOL.

Okay, just a little 2X4 here for ya.....

This is an expectation, even though it is a negative expectation. You even used the word in your post. It is good to "Expect the Worse" that way you are prepared but the fact that you are expending that much energy on it tells me you are a little too wrapped up in what he may or may not do.

Glad I could provide a different angle for you to look at. Don't regret not telling your H you are standing for your M. Trust me he knows. Just from what he has said and done in the last week tells me he is not going to do anything before he checks your temperature first. There will be plenty of opportunities to tell him that you want the M to work.

The not telling him that you are standing is a "Fear" of yours and you need to get out your "laser gun" and "ZAP" it.

Al, you got other fears you need to deal with you don't even know about yet, but as you uncover them and deal with them you will feel yourself become empowered the chart your own course with or without your H.

I hope you feel good about how you have responded today or should I say "not responded"......now dig a little and find where the urge or concern or whatever you want to call it came from and deal with it, that is the real victory for you.

It is one thing to make the right choices with our actions but when it becomes second nature or as Mach would say, "It becomes your skin" then you will really feel yourself grow.

One foot in front of the other.......today is a GOOD DAY for you!!!!

Cheers

[Albuquerque]

2 x 4 deserved and taken! How's this. I expect I'll have more expectations. But I expect to have them lessen over time

[MHL]

AL,
I EXPECT you have covered the topic of EXPECTATIONS !!!!

LMAO!!

[Albuquerque]

OK well, live and learn. This day has been nothing but surprises to me but I look at it as a good case study in MLC behavior. My H did NOT in fact back out of our regular weekly dinner with D. He DID change the venue though and being my skeptical self I have to wonder why. He said he just didn't feel like sushi but I wonder if it had more to do with him possibly getting drunk there last night or something.

ANYHOW...

I wasn't going to bring up any of the emails that he sent and he didn't really discuss it either until towards the end of the meal. He told me that the whole thing was really weird and the result of him switching to taking his antidepressant at the same time as his sleeping pill (rather than taking the antidepressant in the morning). He said he thinks it may be causing a weird reaction and that when he sent me his "scared, alone" email he had just waken up and was totally confused and didn't even really know where he was. I just listened and didn't really say much. While I believe the combo of drugs may have screwed up his psyche, I think it probably had more of a "clearing the fog" effect rather than "causing a fog" as he perceives. They (the MLCers) become so accustomed to the fog that peeks into reality must seem quite frightening. He seemed fine and kind of brushed off the whole incident as "medication issues". I will let him believe what he wants. I think it was an interesting peek into the inner psyche of an MLCer in crisis. He's still deeply in that crisis (and deeply involved with OW since I saw plenty of emails on his phone as he was scrolling through to show me a picture of something). I was polite and kind and stuck to discussing D's week. I will attempt to go even more dim than before.

[Albuquerque]

TG,

You got me thinking about what you said earlier. I think you may be slightly right. When I was talking with H last night, he mentioned he was reading a book and that it was probably WAY overdue. My instinct was to remind him that he could renew online. But before I said anything, I thought back to you and your discussion on being the "fixer". I KNOW he knows about the online option. He's just being irresponsible AKA MLC. So rather than mention it and try to "fix" the problem. I just asked him what book he was reading. I still don't think I played a MAJOR part as a fixer/rescuer, but perhaps there is an element of truth to your original question. I will continue to assess myself. Thanks for the food for thought.

[Albuquerque]

So today H posts on FB more crap about how he had to take double Xanax and Ambien to sleep and still didn't end up sleeping. I ignore the drug talk anymore.

Anyhow, I had to email him to go over financial stuff briefly. When he emailed back, he mentioned his sleeping problems again and said that he at least got back to sleep at 630 am but it ruined his morning and now he was playing catch up at work. He said he'd planned to ask me out to lunch but now that wouldn't be possible since he's playing catch up.

I think a few days ago I might have naively thought that was a good sign. Not really since post bomb has he ever mentioned or wanted to do ANYTHING we me unless D was involved. So for him to talk nonchalantly about going to lunch was weird. But since yesterday was kind of eye opening for me, I now look upon his statement with dubiousness. In their MLC world, sane is insane, up is down, left is right etc etc. A casual lunch request actually has me on high alert. No expectations (so no 2x4s!), just upgrading to yellow alert. Chances are, he won't remember tomorrow and it won't be mentioned again. But yesterday's crazy talk really helped me see that although he may look and sound sane and in control, he's actually being controlled by aliens in the MLC zone and nothing is what it seems. *cue X-files music*

[seeking answers]

Al,
Just keep in mind MLC takes a very long time to get through. Continue to keep your expectations at zero, and detach from H's drama.

If you desire a R with your H, your goal is to outlast his MLC.

Keep steppin,(nickel Brook)you're doing fine.

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

After yesterday's contact with H, I had made a conscious effort to go as dim as possible. Well that was short lived. He texted me early this afternoon just some random silly text about the weather and asked me something. I waited a bit and gave a brief response. Then later, he emailed me a link of a video he thought I might enjoy. I didn't respond. Then at about 9pm, he texts me and asks whether we were home. I already knew he had to spend a few days in a nearby city a couple of hours away. Apparently, he was leaving tonight and asked if it was OK for him to "stop by and say hi". I told him that was fine.

That was just weird. It's actually been quite awhile since he's actually come to the house. He hasn't seemed to want to even come to the house and much prefers to meet us at restaurants even though sometimes, he drives right by the house. I don't mention it, but it's just something I've filed away. So for him to want to "stop by" for no obvious reason made my skeptic radar start working overtime.

When he showed up, D and I were on the couch and neither one of us got up to greet him. He looked very ragged. Circles under the eyes, poorly dressed, wrinkled clothes, shirt not well buttoned. Kind of sad. He didn't really seem to have an agenda. He just kind of stood and talked. One of the first questions he asked me was whether we had gone out to eat or whether I had cooked shrimp scampi. I had cooked it earlier in the day and it was such a success that I posted something on FB. I guess that piqued his curiosity. I told him I made it, it was a success, and gave him a few to try (he liked them). I hated cooking when we were married and so he did most of the cooking. He was a good cook and enjoyed it. I think to see me cooking, cooking well, and enjoying it is a bit odd for him.

I just paused in my typing. As I went back and reread what I just typed, I was taken aback by my statement "when we were married". We are still married. I guess I just consider that marriage over. Interesting revelation. Sorry for the digression.

ANYHOW, he then proceeded to ask me how much of his work gossip he's told me (not much), and then he went on about a lot of it. I asked some questions about some things and he seemed eager to chat. Then we briefly got on some philosophical topic (don't really remember how we got on that topic). We've always enjoyed having philosophical debates. That went on for a few minutes and my D joined in a bit as well (we've raised her to be skeptical). He asked me where I got the large bruise on my foot. I said I didn't know. The TRUTH is that I got that it during my pole dancing class today learning how to do a pole sit (very hard!). That is MY funny story and not one I needed to share with him I gave him some mail that was piling up here and then he said he needed to get on the road. He told me he would be coming back on Sunday and that he'd give me a call when he left. WHY?! I dunno, so that I can know when the husband who doesn't live with me is going back to the home I don't share?! All I can do is find the humor.

I don't know what to make of his visit. I'm not really going to dwell on it. I suppose it was a touch and go. He doesn't look well at all. He's still very broken. I have no expectations.

[Truegritter]

Al

Don't know what to make of his actions.

Just making sure you all are still there I guess.

It maybe a comfort to him.

He doesn't look well at all. He's still very broken.

I know I have said this to you and I am saying it again even though I know you get this.

It is also for those reading and may not yet be where you are.

You don't want this man back in the state he is in. He has to fix himself.

You did exactly what you should do for yourself.

and for him.

You had no expectations and that is what keeps the pain at bay.

You are the safe place. When he is ready.

Stay the course.

[Albuquerque]

OK, just when I feel like I'm getting stronger and stronger each day, my H continues to throw me curve balls. I posted about his odd visit last night. Now he sends me this email this morning.


Heya -

I was thinking, last night, when I couldn't sleep at all, that we should get together and talk. You said in a recent email that there was the option of "discussion if I ever choose to reassess", or something like that. I think that I would like to do that. See where we are. I miss talking to you, and you seem to have kind of blossomed recently in the communication department (among other things).

I'd like to talk about stuff that isn't appropriate for D to hear. We obviously can't talk after she goes to bed, since she beats you silly in that category. And, to be honest, I think I would like a couple glasses of sake (or something) in me. It seems like the last couple times we did sushi, and we both had sake, that the conversation flowed a little easier? I don't know, maybe I'm imagining that part. Anyway, that kind of rules out a talk during school.

So what do you think of one evening having her spend the night at her friend's or something. I can come over, we can talk, no one has to drive. I'm not fishing for any hanky panky or anything here ( and would actively discourage that in any case ), but we could talk as much as we wanted, and I could crash on the couch, and that would be that. Does that sound weird or anything?

Ah, I see that next week is the Tulsa trip. Hmmm. Guess you're busy that Friday. The Friday after looks ideal, but I'm feeling chatting now-ish, rather than two weeks from now-ish.

I guess D could be there, just have her play a game in her room or something. I don't know. Thoughts? I'm open to other ideas, and if lunch works better, that's fine. Can do sake another time.

Anyway, just throwing it out there. I'm not sure how you feel about things, and I guess I would like to know, is the point.

I would like folk's opinions on this. Is this forward movement? In a way I suppose. But like I posted in my last post, he is still very very broken. I can't have reasonable discussions with a mad man. On the other hand, I am interested in hearing what he has to say. Just yesterday, he was still posting back and forth with OW so that certainly factors into things significantly. But again, that is mere speculation on my part and I could be misinterpreting things (but I REALLY don't think so). So what to do?

I guess my thoughts right now are to email him back and let him know we can do lunch next week. I know he wants to have some alcohol in him to have the discussion, but that doesn't seem like a good idea. But if other's have varying opinion, I'm open to listening. I have no expectations of anything at this point. Even though this is the "email I've been waiting for for 9 months", I realize now that this is only one small step. A step in the right direction perhaps but I'm still quite wary. I would greatly appreciate recommendations on not only how to respond, but also any words of wisdom when dealing with the actual conversation.