Blindsided

[gutwrenching]

My personal opinion which others may not agree with is not to use LRT until you are at a last resort place. It doesn't sound like you are there. You are still taking your first steps of DBing, GALing, figuring yourself out. Others may disagree, but the way I read it in Michelle's books is LRT is for when all else has failed.

Yes do what works, always do what works and stop doing what doesn't. I hope there is no OM, and there might not be...people tell you to look at for that because a majority of the time there is someone else, but not always.

You are obviously an eductated person, so order the books and read through them and start drawing some of your own conclusions on how to proceeed...and bounce them off people here on the boards.

[evolve35]

Thanks for that advice gw. I will continue to keep a lookout for OW. No evidence so far. Mentally, I try to prepare myself for that possibility or of it happening soon.
Still no word from him since I mentioned stopping over to start getting the rest of my stuff. I think I may have hit a nerve. Don't know if that is good or bad. He seemed to be starting to get comfortable conversing with me again. A little worried that I may have reminded him he is divorcing me and to start getting paperwork in order...

[evolve35]

PS. Gutwrenching, which books in particular of you talking about? I am reading everything I can... do you have suggestions?
Thanks again for listening.

[evolve35]

Definitely positive signs today that he is warming up to me. I need to tell someone. After a day of no contact, he has contacted me several times today about things he didn't need to. He could have contacted any one of our colleagues instead.
Had to stop at the house today to pick up some things. Had given him warning 2 days ago that I would be coming while he was at work. The funniest thing, still has me smiling, he made the bed. I'm sure that sounds stupid. But I know he made it knowing I would be coming over. He even put the little decorative pillows on. Despite his hard fast, "I won't change my mind" he can't help himself, he is still trying a little. I know this doesn't mean 'reconciliation' yet, I am just celebrating a small step.

[evolve35]

After lots of contact on Friday and him ending the e-mails with 'I'll wait for your call/text' for me to finish work on Saturday for him to come over, he pulled back. I know to expect it but it still hurt a little.
He was going to hook up my wireless internet and fix a computer issue. About an hour before I sent a text to him to see if he was still available, I could feel it... He said no sorry, could we do it the next day since some mutual friends of ours were coming over to the house.
I know he is telling the truth because I am still in contact with a neighbor and she told me about the pick-up that was in the driveway, our friend's.
I wasn't sure how to respond. I sent a text back telling him I wasn't sure the following day would work since I had plans, wasn't sure what time etc. He offered to come to work to get my key and do it while I was at work. I politely declined. He then told me to let him know if it would work to come over and he would wait.
I did tell him to come over. I was dressed to the 9's. After him struggling for 1.5 hours to get the thing hooked up. I finally told him politely that I needed to go. He acted like a bee stung him and practically ran out of the apartment. Telling me he was sorry for holding me up etc.
God, I don't know if I did the right thing. He wasn't able to get the wireless working which was the point- to give him a chance to 'feel like a man'. But he was so closed up and obviously uncomfortable in the apartment. Trying not to look at me. Commenting that the pets seem happier here. He is working hard to justify his decision and keep distance between us when we are in the same room. Yet, he warms up to me with written communication. I am feeling pretty frustrated and defeated today. The walls he constructs around himself are thick concrete. I don't know how I will ever break through them.

[evolve35]

Gutwrenching, are you still out there?
Can anyone suggest additional books to read on the subject of fixing your marriage alone besides Michelle's book?

[gutwrenching]

Sorry, lost track of your thread for a bit.
First off the wall...it might come down, don't lose faith but prepare yourself for the fact it might not. And if it doesn't come down, that tells you that you deserve better. The wall is thick and it is hard to deal with, but it is just the way it is, you can't change it. The only thing you can do is through your positive actions and growth get your WAS to allow it to come down. And if it starts coming down, be prepared for it get rebuilt and reinforced a couple of days later...that is normally the way it goes.

You being dressed to the 9s and then needing to leave...that was good. Keep some mystery. Make him wonder a little.

Books: DR and DB are the ones to start with. Someone had a great link just yesterday with a bunch of good reading material.
One I can think of is How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about It.
For the future (your H isn't ready for this yet) there is the 5 Love Languages.

We're all pulling for you.
Stay strong and focused

[evolve35]

Thanks for your reply. I have read all of those so I will look for the link from yesterday.
Regarding the wall... it was the first time I saw positive things from him then a big pull back. I will do my best to get used to it. He is fighting really hard to keep the wall up and that is very obvious. He does his best to keep a good physical distance even when we are talking. I was often the one to lose my temper first. Now I keep it in check at all times and he seems to be getting a bit irritated with this.
I can't tell you how excruciating this is working in the same place. People talk to me constantly about him. I know they are doing that to him too since most people don't know we are separated, headed toward divorce. He wants distance from me but can't get away. He must feel trapped...worried that is likely working against me. Nothing I can do about it however. 42 more weeks in my residency before I can leave.

[gutwrenching]

You don't have to tell me how excruciating it is...been there, I feel for you. (())

I worked literally a stone throw away from my W, still do, but during our issues, no one knew. We kept on the game face and kept up social appointments and faked it the whole way.

It is hard. It will bother you at times. That is natural. But use it to your advantage. He will see changes in you and if you can actually start letting go, he will see that too...

There is something positive that can be made out of any situation if you approach it correctly. Granted, I rarely did anything correctly, but when I did, I saw positive results.

[NotFromThesePart]

blgp,

My $0.02 worth. I don't know who if you have told anyone at. But I think that you should at least be open to telling people that ask. You don't have to give them all the details and you shouldn't bad mouth him. In my sitch, the more people I told, the more people were are on my side. W thinks I'm going around telling everyone about how terrible she is. In reality I say just the opposite, how great she is and how much I miss her, but that I'm holding up well.

It is subtle pressure. Some of this gets back to her, and I think the message usually is "I heard you two were getting a D, what happened?" And "he is holding up well". I think you telling other people in a positive way first keeps him from weaving his own reality as to why this is happening.

Just a though. Hang in there. It will get better. I'm feeling good now because I think I have a good chance at keeping my M. But no matter what I feel stronger and more capable now than even just a few weeks ago.

You are using this board and I think that is great. Lean on people here you'll get support. Good luck!