INTERESTED IN MLC FOR LBS

[fisherman]

I see a ton of journalling going on here, which is great.

I also see a ton of excellent advice somehow missing it's mark.

[MHL]

Bobby,

She has got to hit rock bottom......

As hard as it is to see her living like she is, she may have to go further.

Maybe your daughter moves back home, maybe she runs out of money and can't eat, maybe she drops out of school, maybe , maybe , maybe.....

Fact is you don't know what HER rock bottom is.

She may come back to you and you still may not know what it was for her, what HER rock bottom is.

Do not cushion it, she has to hit it and hit it hard. It is tearing you up on the inside, I know. We all know.

Be there for your daughter for your family, this will be hard, very hard. Just let her be and focus on YOU!

Just a suggestion.....

Focus on your S and the party, focus on your youngest daughter and the stability she desparately is searching for in her life right now.

BE THEIR ROCK, BE THE BEST DAMN FATHER OUT THERE......

Look away from your W right now, it will only distract you. When she is ready, she will come to you.

More TIME Bobby, more TIME.......

It seems things are about to happen, but until they do, you are wasting your energy. (take it from someone who needs to learn the same lesson...:) )

Hang in there...

Cheers

[Bobby O]

I appreciate everyone giving their input. I had a call from my wife this am thanking me for hooking up her printer to the computer. She sounded more like herself. My middle daughter came by briefly to see me and asked questions related to her brothers party. My wife's sisters and father have called me to see how I am doing. My youngest daughter passed her written test for a drivers learners permit. I love my family and will continue to be there for them. Bobby O

[Bobby O]

Well, I am happy this site is up and running again. I hope all my good friends out there are well.This past weekend was spent with my daughter and mother. My mother had said some things to my daughter about my wife and my daughter took offence and I got very angry with my mother. My mother was wrong to say the things she did. I believe it was caused by Virginia not greeting my mother when she dropped Katie off. Flat out that was rude and they had a good relationship. In any case my wife called me at 520am Sunday morning and said calmly which was not her style in the past;how my mother was wrong. I agreed with my wife and told her that my mother and I got into a fight.
She then went on to say again how happy she is with her new life etc. I should point out that her new apartment was a wreck when I walked inon Friday. I had never seen a place like that not even when the kids were small. In any case she went on to tell me that she was happy not to be around me and finally she blamed me for her living in the apartment.
I told her she moved out on her own and it was her choice not mine. I also said to her at some point she needs to look in the mirror and realize she cannot blame me because she has been out of the house for one month now. I told her that her dad and sister and son were concerned about her and the fact that she does not communicate with them. I then said to her to google the term midlife crisis and avoidance personality and I hung up on her.
She has started to text me more regarding our daughter. She was not at the apartment when I dropped Katie off. I had Katie call her mom and her mom said she was at dinner and wondered if her older sister was home. I was surprised she was not home and assumed Jackie was at the apartment.
I got a call last night times 2 how the printer was not working and how she needed me to fix it. It was 1030 at night. I was not going to go but took the high road because she was stressed. I know many would tell me not to enable her. This morning my daughter called me about financial questions and I think this daughter is tired of staying with her mom now. The party for my son is next week and I have been getting ready for it. I am still on this bumpy road and will work on me. Bobby O

[punkin]

Bobby,

As aggravating as the calls from your wife appear to be, they are still attempts on her part to keep communication open. Even if she isn't able to form that thought in her head at the moment. It doesn't seem she lets much time pass before she gets in touch with you for some reason or other. IMO this is good on one had, she obviously wants to stay in touch, it is not so good as far as you being able to detach.

You sound as if you still need to set boundaries as far as your wife's calls. Financial or kids. Period. She wanted to be on her own, let her. If her printer goes out, call the Geek Squad. Don't be pulled into pointless angry arguments. They will not help either of you. JMO

[fisherman]

I told her she moved out on her own and it was her choice not mine. I also said to her at some point she needs to look in the mirror and realize she cannot blame me because she has been out of the house for one month now. I told her that her dad and sister and son were concerned about her and the fact that she does not communicate with them. I then said to her to google the term midlife crisis and avoidance personality and I hung up on her.

She is not going to listen to anything like this right now.

Most of us here have made this mistake and it usually takes learning this the hard way, I'm here to tell you....this will only put her more at odds with you.

There is nothing you can say or do to make her "get it".

I got a call last night times 2 how the printer was not working and how she needed me to fix it. It was 1030 at night. I was not going to go but took the high road because she was stressed.

I'm not so sure if this is the "high road" or if it is fear, fixing, rescuing, and more of the same.

Do you see any patterns in all of this yet?

Change has to start with you Bobby.

[ericmsant2]

My mother had said some things to my daughter about my wife and my daughter took offence and I got very angry with my mother.

How much of what is going on does your mother know about? If you have vented to your mother – stop. Venting to her will only make matters worse.

In any case my wife called me at 520am Sunday morning and said calmly which was not her style in the past;how my mother was wrong. I agreed with my wife and told her that my mother and I got into a fight.

Honestly a simple “I understand you feel that way” would have been suffice. I understand that you agreed with your wife; however, the R between your mother and your wife is BETWEEN them. NOT You and them. Your W will need to understand that SHE is responsible for her action and the consequences of those actions. If your mother was upset, she has every right to be. What it looks like to me is that you were trying to fix this. You were trying to SHOW YOUR WIFE that you were on her side. Do you still think that anything YOU say will make a difference? So you tried to fix the R between your W and your mother and then she says……

She then went on to say again how happy she is with her new life etc.

So you bailed her out…she did not have to accept responsibility for her actions. If she dropped off your D and did not say Hi I would agree with your mother that thiat was rude. How long are YOU going to be there to fix everything for her Bobby? How long? Ya know ya cannot fix her MLC.

I should point out that her new apartment was a wreck when I walked in on Friday.

I hate to say BUT why DO YOU care? If she is happy in her new apartment – well good for her. What is Bobby going to do to make Bobby really happy?

In any case she went on to tell me that she was happy not to be around me and finally she blamed me for her living in the apartment.

They will blame you for everything buddy. Everything. I actually am waiting for my W to start blaming me for global warmning. Question is….DO YOU BELIEVE IT?

I told her she moved out on her own and it was her choice not mine.

Good response.

I also said to her at some point she needs to look in the mirror and realize she cannot blame me because she has been out of the house for one month now. I told her that her dad and sister and son were concerned about her and the fact that she does not communicate with them. I then said to her to google the term midlife crisis and avoidance personality and I hung up on her.

<insert picture of Bobby jumping up and down saying…”look…here is the fix…look here is the fix”>
Bobby – as trapt pointed out she is not ready to hear this. Let me ask YOU a question…….when she had complaints about you (when things were good between the two of you)…did you always listen? Did you listen and watch her….did you realize that she was pulling away? Why? Look at that Bobby and stop looking at her!

I got a call last night times 2 how the printer was not working and how she needed me to fix it.

Another case of Bobby fixing….another case…. And then….

It was 1030 at night. I was not going to go but took the high road because she was stressed. I know many would tell me not to enable her.

High road MY AS*! Bobby you can continue to lie to YOURSELF….or YOU can stand up and ACCEPT where YOU are in YOUR life. You keep trying to fix thing. You keep trying to control this. You keep trying to be nice to your wife EVEN when YOU don’t want to be….because You still feel that something YOU do can change this. Sorry Bobby…I could go on and on and make you feel better…that’s not why I am here. I am here Bobby to HELP YOU! So as Trapt said…..

Change has to start with you Bobby.

Bobby do you UNDERSTAND this ^^^^^? If so, what changes DO YOU want to make for YOU?

I am still on this bumpy road and will work on me.

Good Bobby. Maybe instead of trying to fix everyone else…maybe you can start really fixing YOU.

Do you know where to start?

Do you believe you need to be fixed?

Do you know what you want YOUR life to look like?

Do you know what YOU want in your life?

Have you accomplished all of your dreams?


You can’t fix her bobby…..Fix you first and then…maybe…just maybe…she will come crawling back to you….a new woman…

Cool thing….you fix you and YOU my friend, will be a new MAN!

God Bless,
Eric

[Bobby O]

I started reading a book by Bettie Youngs and Masa Goetz which is titled Getting Back Together. It is about how to reconcile with your partner. I now really understand how to detach and the real purpose for a separation. I had been told by my wife on October 23,2009 that she wanted a divorce. Now almost 11 months after that statement she has moved out and I am trying to make a new life for myself. I am giving her the needed space she is asking and I will live my life however I need to until she either comes back or we end up divorced. In relationships there are givers and takers. I would say the givers are primarily on this site and the takers just dont care and dont have a clue how much harm they have caused.
The holidays will be coming soon and that was a very paiful time for me last year. I will make the most of the holidays for my children and myself. The reading I have done on midlife crisis says that this can go on in woman for 3-5 years and 5-10 years in men. The question is how long do you wait or do you move on. The choice is an individual one. My best friend said love is a gift that should never be turned away. To bad our spouses dont get it. The journey continues. Bobby O

[seeking answers]

Bobby,
In your reading did they give any reasons why they believe a man's MLC goes on longer that a woman's?

Also, are they starting the time lines from the onset of the MLC or after the bomb drop?

The holidays are a tough time for all of us. You have the right idea about making them special for you and the children.

Keep moving forward Bobby. Who knows, at some point your wife may run to catch up.

[Bobby O]

My understanding is from when MLC starts. Bobby O