I like your squirrel analogy. But are you the Grizzly Bear?
You're in the same town as J3B? I've been there a couple of times, along with seeing a large portion of the coastal parts of Alaska. My first time there was crazy night - I broke a guys nasal septum in a fight and then lost my virginity to a foul mouthed 26 year old Inuit girl with a good amount of missing teeth.
I've tried to convince my air force nephew and his wife that Elmondorf would be a great base to be stationed at.
I've acted like a Grizzly a few times, but Squirrels and Grizzlies don't get along too well.
Took a long drive tonight, brought my CD's and watched the tide come in.
I'm not one for doing much lately, so it was something different. I have a couple things I've started doing, but the filler time can be a little wasted by me at times. So the drive was perfect and it was nice to be in the sun. I tried to dig deep within to find a little of myself and the music and scenery helped a lot. Still a ways to go.
Faith, I know this was posted by you back in your thread but it's something that jumped out at me and it's something that took me a while to reconcile within myself. I'm hoping I can give you a shortcut there.
Originally Posted By: FaithnAK
So I feel like I'm cutting against the grain by doing something that I dont like done to me.
My problem with responding...is it feels like I have to. Also, when I have done it it winds up biting me in a$$ somehow. The other side of the coin is... if I don't respond I feel like it's vindictive and cold.
How do I choose?
Like you, I was also stuck when being treated like a freakin carcass getting cr@pped and pi$$ed on. I've always believed you treat people the way you want to be treated regardless of how they treat you.
Then one day WhiskeyTango posted on my thread - You treat people the way they deserve to be treated. For sake of brevity and I'm too lazy to type more, here's the post on my thread that discusses how I got that internal dissonance resolved:
One thing not in that thread but it's somewhere I posted is I finally realized if I was treating someone like cr@p I wouldn't want them to just take it. I would want them to draw healthy boundaries and protect themselves from my behavior. Up until I saw that I always thought I wanted people to treat me nice and with patience. What a bunch of cr@p. If I'm being an a$$, treat me like I'm being an a$$. So I finally reconciled treating people the way they deserved to be treated with treat people the way I want to be treated and saw drawing healthy boundaries and not taking people's bull is the same in both instances.
It really helped me when I saw it.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Since I brought up attorney and mediation, she is all for talking about finances now.
Is she sincere about this? Don't know - My suspicions are = She is scared I will stop the Divorce and she's trying to cover up the financial screw ups.
Do I want to delay the Divorce? Yes and No
Yes - Reasons: Need binding financial agreement with witnesses; chance for her to see things differently; chance to buy time for a change of heart; Show her I'm not scared of how she will react; To follow through when I told her if I found out that she's been lieing to me, I would pursue a Lawyer for protection; Make her do more than just get what she wants (i.e. You want divorce so bad, you do all the work); So I don't feel like I just gave in and ran.
No - Reasons why I'm tempted to give in: So I can run too; So I can drop her from insurance and she can feel the financial pinch; I can do whatever the hell I want from scratch; So I never have to deal with her again - Begin letting go for real; So she can't say I'm just being vindictive; So she can't say I didn't love her enough to let her go; So I can continue to just do like I've always done and just give up (aka Go play Warcraft, drink til I cant see str8, and pretend probs don't exist anymore; So she can bang whoever the f*ck she wants, fall flat on her face if she chooses, and I don't ever have to worry about her again.
Which one is more vindictive?
As you can see, I'm still cycling and have NO idea who or what I am yet. However, I have til Thursday to ultimately choose my direction. Very difficult to see clearly. Very hard to trust her and very hard to trust myself at this point.
Since I brought up attorney and mediation, she is all for talking about finances now. Is she sincere about this? Don't know - My suspicions are = She is scared I will stop the Divorce and she's trying to cover up the financial screw ups. Do I want to delay the Divorce? Yes and No
Yes - Reasons: Need binding financial agreement with witnesses; chance for her to see things differently; chance to buy time for a change of heart; Show her I'm not scared of how she will react; To follow through when I told her if I found out that she's been lieing to me, I would pursue a Lawyer for protection; Make her do more than just get what she wants (i.e. You want divorce so bad, you do all the work); So I don't feel like I just gave in and ran.
No - Reasons why I'm tempted to give in: So I can run too; So I can drop her from insurance and she can feel the financial pinch; I can do whatever the hell I want from scratch; So I never have to deal with her again - Begin letting go for real; So she can't say I'm just being vindictive; So she can't say I didn't love her enough to let her go; So I can continue to just do like I've always done and just give up (aka Go play Warcraft, drink til I cant see str8, and pretend probs don't exist anymore; So she can bang whoever the f*ck she wants, fall flat on her face if she chooses, and I don't ever have to worry about her again.
My comments are about the bold.
Everything I bolded is WHAT IT IS RIGHT NOW.
Notice there are things in the NO section. I don't see how you can't change dissoultion to Mediated Divorce and still do the bolded stuff.
You are still making a lot of this about HER.
The focus is supposed to be on YOU.
What is best for FAITH? -proper mediated divorce -full legal protection -complete disclosure of her financials
It is YOUR reactions to HER behaviours that is driving you nuts.
Isolate yourself from her craziness by getting a mediated setllement arranged.
Then you can get your life back with full legal protection.
It's time for you to acknowledge that this may be scary, this new experience of letting go of a cheating spouse, being strong for yourself, commanding respect from those who have never respected you. All of these things are scary and that kind of fear can be paralyzing, it usually keeps most people from doing anything, it usually keeps people in abusive and hurtful relationships because that feeling of fear is all they know, they've grown so accustomed to it, it's almost comfortable for lack of a better word and then when you're faced with a new reality, and a different kind of fear, you want to cling to your old fear because at least you know it and you're comfortable with it, this new fear is unknown to you and you don't dare attempt to push past this new fear.
Your wife hasn't respected you for a very long time, I wouldn't consider ever being with her again until she learns that respect is not optional with you. Anything less than this and you will repeat these problems in your life over and over again.
It is YOUR reactions to HER behaviours that is driving you nuts. Isolate yourself from her craziness by getting a mediated setllement arranged.
That's very true and I'm scared of how she will react Thursday.
All those things I wrote are just thoughts, right or wrong.
I'm just scared. I don't like this situation. I'm struggling with the abandonment. I'm being torn between the old me and the one that wants to be new. That new me wants to do this right.
Wife outta the blue sends me a text "Can I stop by and see the dogs?". I just laughed, like it's just this constant circle jerk that we keep participating in. So I bit...
I sent her a text back "You can meet me at the park later if you want". I figured if she wants to see the dogs so damn bad, fine, here is your option.
No text for like 45 mins...then she comes back with "Can't I just stop at the house to see them?"
I texted back "I'd rather you not. We can meet at the park. If you need something from the house, let me know and I can bring it"
No response yet and it's been an hour. I didn't deny her access to the home, but I felt I gave a nice and fair alternative.
She is testing me and I passed; sent her a quiz back. She has failed.
I know I can't mind read, but one thing is clear...she doesn't want to see the dogs so badly afterall.
Is she trying to get in front of me now? Trying to see if she can hang on or manipulate me? I think it's something like that, but I'll let you all decide. I'm still not very confident today in MY journey, but I feel lifted after this interaction.
