Need some encouragement

[kissak]

Thank you for thinking of me Mila and Handlingplanb.

This has been a tough weekend for me. I turned out to be wrong about the checkbook thing. Thoughts can be your worst enemey sometimes.

I tried to stay upbeat all weekend. I asked him friday if he was going out again. He said he was thinking about it and that he was also thinking about taking me out on saturday night. I went took my kids out to eat friday night with my parents, then did a little shopping because I surely didnt want to sit at home doing nothing while he was enjoying himslef. Well, he went out on Friday night, was home by 12:30 which was early for him. Saturday he wasnt around too much. He worked then took a rescue call. I cooked and cleaned most of the day. We had a church dinner sunday so I cooked for it and also did some other cooking. Seemed I ate most of the day. He didnt mention anything about taking me out and I didnt want to bring it up. Actually I didnt really want to go anywhere with him to be honest. Well, about 10 min to seven that night he said to the kids in front of me that me and him were going out to eat at 7! I was like...NO, he lets me know 10 minutes before hand that we are going out to eat and IM paying!! and the kids were going to be staying at home alone on a saturday night! I have a 14 yr old and a 9 year old, Now my 14 yr old is old enough to babysit, but I dont usually leave them alone at night. She has anxiety issues and anything could freak her out at night! And we would be an hour away. I told him I didnt really wanna go and that i was not hungry after snacking most of the day, not knowing we were seriously going out. He said It didnt matter to him. SO we didnt go.

I have no desire to be around him at all. He is always in a bad mood! I dont even want to be intimate with him. Its not the same.

I sat and watched behind him texting people yesterday, he didnt know I was looking...wish my eyesight was better I could only see who he was texting and his replys which didnt tell me much. But then he got a text, took his phone out of his pocket and when he saw me, he put it back in his pocket way too quick! Talk about suspicious!

I cant trust him at all. I try to act like nothing is wrong...I go about my day to day stuff trying my hardest to be upbeat! wow, that is a test for sure when Im around him!

Today he is in a mood.

I offered to do something to help him out with his paper route that we do together...he said I didnt have to, but I told him I want to help, that it helps pay for my truck payment every month too, so its partly my job as well as his....his reply was "yea ok". Then he said I must not be too busy this am, and then wanted to know if I was at work. When I answered him all I got back was "k" which means he is in a mood. I decided to be polite and not respond to his texts the way he wanted me to. I just sent him one that said It seemed like he was having a bad morning that I hoped he had a good day and that it got better. He responded with "maybe"

I wonder is he feeling guilty at all for anything. Maybe even the way Im still being as loving as I could be to him even when he is so mean to me. Or is his conscience bothering him. I dont know. Need to quit analyzing all of this. I Have tried to give it to God the best i know how.

I heard the other day when you pray for patience, strength, courage, God doesnt give you those things, he gives you trials to be able to use those things. I dont know if that makes sense or not, but I really have been getting the tests and trials to use my patience and strength!

I will try to remain up beat today!! I hate that Im feeling so much detachment from him though. I feel if he left now, I wouldnt really care. I dont like him anymore and the loving feelings I have held onto for so long seem to be slipping away for this man. He isnt the man I loved at all. I miss my old H.