I feel as long as you aren't pursuing when she doesn't want to be pursued then it's fine. It's determining that which is the problem.
I agree. If you can't figure it out then don't do it.
Originally Posted By: steady
I think a mistake made here too often is being too passive in the sitch. I know it's a mistake I made and if I could do it all over again I would have approached it a lot differently.
Thanks Faith for the original rec. Definitely hit home. I had to order them online and it took FOREVER to arrive. Lots to digest and go through. Have started N.U.T.S. and have even more to work through. It's going to take time. I've already asked her to dinner and she's said yes which I know was not easy for her to do as she is very conscious about not "stringing me along" or giving me "false hope." I will not talk about us or the future but will be an engaged listener / observer. Mantra to self - be cool (in the calm and happy way).
Well, here is your chance to shine. It's going to be tough Bro. Before I found out about the A, I invited my W out for dinner and she accepted the offer in the same way. I actually backed out of it, because I realized my intentions were not pure.
I'm not recommending you to cancel, but if you have intentions of her seeing a new you and changing her mind in anyway, you need to purge that from your brain.
Sometimes they say yes out of a feeling of guilt or because they feel 'bad' or some other cr@p. I had a girlfriend in my early 20's who left and we tried to remain friends. I was still into her so it became too painful and I told her I couldn't be friends with her.
I'm not implying this is your situation but I have a gut feeling you are going into it in the hopes she will see you and somehow change her mind. Also, tagging along makes it easier for them because it stops them from facing the reality of life without you.
Wonder how she would react if you actually canceled it. I wouldn't do that to get some effect, but make sure your intentions aren't clouded.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I realize she is not going to change her mind overnight and am not hoping for that. In fact as much as I might like that in theory, it would actually not be good. She is moving back home with her parents who live a couple hours away and so I'm hoping for a reasonably nice evening of (trying to be) normal. She'll have a nice taste of life without me over that time. I think I'm going to have to chronicle it here as it will be tough to not initiate contact. For the dinner, she may have said yes because she felt guilty but over a month ago I asked her at least 4 different occasions when she said no. Since she has expressed second guessing on the separation, I went out on a limb again. Maybe she feels guilty, maybe not. She said yes this time and in the past I've canceled our plans at the last minute more than once. Time to suck it up and do it. It's going to be slightly awkward and uncomfortable but so are first dates. I feel like I am at the gates of Dante's hell - "abandon all hope ye who enter here" but gonna be there with a smiling face. If I canceled - not sure what she would think. Probably that I am flaking again and not making her a priority and can't even commit to dinner. Or she'd be curious if she was no longer that important to me. Probably a mix. Time to think about boundaries I can set if the opportunity arises....
Hey Steady - I realize I missed a post by you, just read it, and the boundary lightbulb went off. I'll know when I am being crossed or my N.U.T.S. are being infringed upon and that's when boundaries need to be set. Thx. I agree on being overly passive. I've been guilty of that and that resonated with me in NMMNG. That's part of the balance needed for riding the wave (great analogy btw.)
I totally forgot she said she was second guessing the separation. Sorry about that - it's a big detail. With that in mind the dinner is a fine way to have some fun with no expectations. The more cool and calm you are the better the night will go. Check all expectations at the door. (See how many times that's been said by all of us? lol)
Glad you caught the boundary post. I was about to reiterate it to you. No need for boundaries until you need them.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I'm hoping for the best (fun time with little tension and conversation about anything but us) and preparing mentally for the worst (backtracking by her, admission of an affair, ILYBNILWY, etc, etc.) We'll see.... Repeat to myself - be cool.
steady and faith - managed to do it. had dinner. kept cool. cracked some jokes. engaged but didn't talk about us or the future. took her home and said goodbye promptly. had some fun though whilst suppressing my brain. now the tough part is to pull back a little. thanks for your input. we'll see from here.
