Addie - I'm sorry that it appears you are dealing with a very similar situation. I read alot of your thread in piecing...very similar indeed. The secretiveness, H would always change his password as soon as he knew I figured one of them out...cell never left his side...the only time he was affectionate towards me was when he wanted to ML. Funny, but not, at the same time, I noticed a few days after he started sleeping at his store last week, he downloaded the facebook app. to his Droid. Why did he do that I asked myself. I believe the answer is so that he can be on facebook anytime he wants and will not show up as being on-line because you do not show up on chat/on line when you log in through your phone.
So many things are all starting to add up in my mind. All the while he always made me feel like I was the crazy one for thinking such things. The constant wandering eyes no matter where we were - I'd question him on it and he'd tell me I was wrong. It was disgusting how much he did it and so damn disrespectful to me. I've known it, it was all out there right in front of me but I did NOT want to believe it.
Promising me that this is where he wanted to be and that me and the kids were his world. That there was no one else...thing have never been better with us is what he told me for the past 4 years. That there was never anything wrong and that he was SOOO happy with "us".
I think deep down I knew something was not right. Deep down, I knew...but didn't want to believe...that he came back mostly for the kids...deep down I knew that over the past 4 years he has never looked at me the way he USED to look at me...I never got that feeling that he was in love with me like I was with him...deep down I knew the discoveries of indiscretions and inappropriate emails and messages were the proof that I was right...but didn't want to believe that. I wanted to believe him.
Now, here we are...again...today, my self confidence is in the freakin toilet. I wonder why am I not good enough. What has my whole life really been? Looking back, I am beginning to feel the past 12 years with him has been nothing but a lie. I wonder if maybe all this time, he has been trying to be something he just can't be. That he has been wearing a mask and maybe I didn't really know the REAL H. And maybe that is where all this inner turmoil of his stems from...because he just can't do it anymore...maybe he can't keep hiding from his true self and wearing the mask.
He told me he bought $60 worth of wood yesterday so that the guys at MMA class could video them breaking the pieces of wood on my H's body. He told me he is beginning to realize that his obsession with MMA is his own form of self punishment. They all spar together and beat the crap out of my H because he can stand there and take it all.
Need to get some sleep...can't wait for work tomorrow - it's my sane place right now. Thank God for that.
