What happened to the advice that you can't control another person. Why does he have to change the way she treats him in reaction to the way he treats her? Why can't he just do what he does because it is the best thing for him to do and ignore her response to it? I thought the problem here was the manipulation and the reacting to her.
You're misunderstanding what I'm suggesting, Lotus. All I'm suggesting is that HE be the one to go dim/dark, and -- for once -- be CONSISTENT about it. His wife is now basically doing what all of us have suggest that HE do, all this time, and he needs to flip that around.
First, the same way that my wife has learned to predict my actions I've done the same. As of today, she's telling me that she loves me on the phone. This is less than 24 hours after she says she never wants to have a personal conversation with me ever again. I was on the phone with her when she said that concerning logistics of droppoff of s4 tomorrow.
Second, I was on the phone with her for a good reason a second time. Her grandpa is in the hospital. We don't know if he'll make it or not. But, as a good man, and a good husband, I have to be there for her if he passes. It is the right thing to do. This would require me taking a week off of work (which frankly I don't have since I've taken so many days off as of late) and drive with her there 800 miles away and stay for a few days.
Nothing certain as of yet of his condition, but we'll know within a day or so. As if my life couldn't be filled with more drama already - I have a potential death lingering over me.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
John, you have so many reasons for being "forced" to communicate with her. Let's be honest here, you WANT to communicate for any reason. And that's because you can't let go. Everything is always "the right thing to do". Tell her to call her EA if she needs support during the loss of her grandfather.
I'm not trying to be insensitive here but your feelings mean nothing to her. There is a difference between being loyal and being a sucker! Your at her beckond call every minute of the day. Is she there for you? The answer...... NO!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
John, you have so many reasons for being "forced" to communicate with her. Let's be honest here, you WANT to communicate for any reason. And that's because you can't let go.
I'll agree that I haven't let go. But I don't WANT to communicate with her. At least not the majority of me. The more I do, the more this R is torn apart. I don't want anymore drama.
Originally Posted By: Sad_but_happy
Everything is always "the right thing to do". Tell her to call her EA if she needs support during the loss of her grandfather.
OK, so I should tell her that she should go and cry on her past EA's shoulder of 3 months ago? That she hasn't communicated with? I think there is a difference between being dark and insensitive. Please, if I'm wrong in supporting my W during the death of her grandfather, someone else tell me that. Please.
Quote:
There is a difference between being loyal and being a sucker! Your at her beckond call every minute of the day. Is she there for you? The answer...... NO!
Yup. I don't know the difference between being a sucker and being loyal. I have made myself more available to her than I should have. As far as her being there for me, I hate to admit it, but she has never not picked up the phone, or kicked me out or anything - even during my super emo moments. She has on several occasions "been there for me" such as my panic attack outbreaks, super emo phone calls, and been super flexible with S4's schedule so I can see him as much as possible.
But generally 90% she's not there for me emotionally or lovingly in the way I desire. So I am a sucker.
She continually uses my hope of reconciliation as a blackmailing tool against me. Says things like, "I will remember this" or, "This is why I left" or "I can never come back home when you do XYZ"
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I think I've figured out how to get the power back for me. Not for the situation, but for me.
She said on the phone last night "I do not want to speak to you anymore about personal matters. I will talk to you in mediation." Which is 2 weeks away. Today when we talked she was all about the same "personal matters" and she "needed to build walls to protect herself. Stuff I didn't prompt but just validated. She says she won't say ILY because she is afraid to be hurt again. I just validated. And she knows that's a big one for me, because I do say ILY very often to her - always have.
So by the end of the call she says ILY. Hmm. wtf. This happened twice on two separate calls today, and it wasn't habit in the way she said it.
I'm thinking next time I see her I'll just say, "The other night you said you wanted just to talk in mediation only from now on. That is something I want to do."
Not quite yet though, I have to let her come crawling back like she always does first to have that power again for myself to feel like it is my decision to go NC.
Oh and by the way, I took down all the family photos and pictures of her along with her family in our house last night. Felt awkwardly good. They're in boxes now.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
John, you have so many reasons for being "forced" to communicate with her. Let's be honest here, you WANT to communicate for any reason. And that's because you can't let go.
I'll agree that I haven't let go. But I don't WANT to communicate with her. At least not the majority of me. The more I do, the more this R is torn apart. I don't want anymore drama.
Originally Posted By: Sad_but_happy
Everything is always "the right thing to do". Tell her to call her EA if she needs support during the loss of her grandfather.
OK, so I should tell her that she should go and cry on her past EA's shoulder of 3 months ago? That she hasn't communicated with? I think there is a difference between being dark and insensitive. Please, if I'm wrong in supporting my W during the death of her grandfather, someone else tell me that. Please.
Quote:
There is a difference between being loyal and being a sucker! Your at her beckond call every minute of the day. Is she there for you? The answer...... NO!
Yup. I don't know the difference between being a sucker and being loyal. I have made myself more available to her than I should have. As far as her being there for me, I hate to admit it, but she has never not picked up the phone, or kicked me out or anything - even during my super emo moments. She has on several occasions "been there for me" such as my panic attack outbreaks, super emo phone calls, and been super flexible with S4's schedule so I can see him as much as possible.
But generally 90% she's not there for me emotionally or lovingly in the way I desire. So I am a sucker.
BULLSH!T. You do and you keep posting this, but continue to do the opposite.
You already know insensitive...she has shown you this a billion times. Do you know dark? Maybe dim? Not really because you haven't done it yet.
Loyal? You have been loyal, now you are the sucker.Try something different.
She's been there because you keep allowing her to be adn you don't get the respect you deserve, BECAUSE you emotionally fall in front of her every time. Be a ROCK, John!
Know how you can do this and still show that you care? Why don't you take the initiative to go see her Grandpa without her, maybe send some flowers or a card or something to show you care in an indirect way. She has family, don't be a d!ck about it but separate yourself from her.
Why don't you take the initiative to go see her Grandpa without her, maybe send some flowers or a card or something to show you care in an indirect way. She has family, don't be a d!ck about it but separate yourself from her.
I'm sure I'm misunderstanding this, but are you suggesting that he will impress people by leaving his wife home and showing up at her grandfather's funeral without her?
As always John, you need to live your life, make your choices and live with the consequences. It's a lot different than giving advice to people you will never meet.
In my opinion, a mensch (good or noble man) puts aside petty differences and does what is right. You know what that is.
I don't want him to impress anybody, but if he's close to the Grandpa he does have to show that he is concerned. Especially for his Son. Maybe, he has to go with his W, but I'm also saying he can do it in other ways as well.
With all the crap his W pulls he has to see that it could also be a hook by her. I just believe she's capable of using any weapon at her disposal. Just want him to see a different view.
Why don't you take the initiative to go see her Grandpa without her, maybe send some flowers or a card or something to show you care in an indirect way. She has family, don't be a d!ck about it but separate yourself from her.
I'm sure I'm misunderstanding this, but are you suggesting that he will impress people by leaving his wife home and showing up at her grandfather's funeral without her?
As always John, you need to live your life, make your choices and live with the consequences. It's a lot different than giving advice to people you will never meet.
In my opinion, a mensch (good or noble man) puts aside petty differences and does what is right. You know what that is.
No one is suggesting that John be mean, cruel, or insensative. In fact, under normal circumstances this would be a perfect opportunity to reconnect, show strength, and support the WAS.
Had John been dark all this time this could have been the catalyst to propell both him and his wift to reconciliation.
But he never want dark and all there has been is crying, yelling, "I hate you", "I love you", "I can't live with you", "I can't live without you", "I want to talk to you", "I'm never talking to you again". DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA!
YES JOHN, BE THERE FOR YOUR WIFE. BUT NOT AS A HUSBAND! DO NOT TALK ABOUT R!
This has the potential of being another "reason" to engage the madness. Another possible excuese why you "MUST" see her and why you were "FORCED" to discuss R.
Be there for her as someone that loves her. But please please please, if she tries to engage you in R talk, tell her, "we will discuss this at another time". Say it in a calm loving way, but say it so she KNOWS that she better listen to you.
Good luck!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
