How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks Dagny and Pinhead.

Dagny, even though you don't know me, apart from these postings, I felt cheered by the "when he comes back". Positive. I need it tonight, as it happens.

I fully realize that as it's me telling the story, no-one here gets his side of the story, and since he won't talk much and doesn't analyse anything at all, not even I or worse still his children are getting his side of the story.

I know that although he could never doubt my feelings for him, I didn't show him love IN THE WAY HE NEEDED TO SEE IT as often as he needed it. He felt rejected and didn't open up about it. I didn't let myself go, but neither did I spend much time on my appearance, and it bothered him more than he ever said. I'm a dreamer, I'm a slow mover sometimes, though I do get things done and pay attention to detail. He's a very practical person, goes through life with a never-ending list of things to do running on without end in his head, can't relax unless forced to (snowed in, his arm in a sling, something like that).My dreaminess and imagination attracted him, yet he found them irritating day - to - day.

All I can really fault him for is turning towards this OW at a time when we were both under pressure at work, and going into an affair rather than trying to talk it through with me.And then blaming me for the whole thing when it came out and turning against me. He's a person who prefers action to words, can't even really express what's going on inside, doesn't have access to it and refuses to confide. Even now, when I feel he's very alone, he doesn't seem able to confide in anyone or stand back from the issues involved at all. I feel a great mixture of feelings when I see him, like I did briefly this evening. I still feel love, and it hurts; I feel anger that can't go anywhere, and a great sense of pity and sorrow for the corner he seems to have painted himself into.

I can talk about detaching, and I'm trying to fill up my life with things to help and help me long-term, but I'm still so concerned for him and can't do anything about it, it's frustrating.

He came over to bring children 2 and 3 home this evening. He was pleasant, no more of the cold, hard carry-on of a month ago and before. So that's better. But his eldest is here, she's intelligent and mature, but she's still a child and yet he won't try to talk to her and break the ice. He gives her a kiss hello and goodbye, as to me. He tries vaguely to include her in the conversation, but only very tentatively. As she only answers "yes" and "no", it doesn't go far. He should try to put his arms round her, tell her he loves her, but he's too afraid of her reaction or too proud (?). So nothing. I'm frightened about what this is doing to her and to him. The other two tell me he does lots with them, but never wants to talk about what's really bothering them, how he's feeling, etc. If they try asking him any questions, he either gets angry (I don't wish to discuss this) or changes the subject. They say they don't get too many hugs from him either. He USED to be an affectionate father, if a little strict (that was no harm). Now he seems to have withdrawn from all of his children.There's this elephant standing between him and them and he's refusing to acknowledge its presence, hoping it'll go away eventually of its own accord. He was always a bit enigmatic about things, I used to act as go-between sometimes, to explain and smooth out. Now I can't make out what's going on, so I can't explain anymore. I tell them he's going through a very rough patch, and to be affectionate with him, that's all I can do. If he cuts off from his children's inner lives, he'll become totally dehumanized.

This evening, he started in on a list of things I must get done before the winter: getting boilers cleaned, chimneys swept and sceptic tank emptied... He's told me before, but I listened again.

Then he spoke of a change in his week's schedule, so I'll have all three all week this time. That's fine, his work schedule can be eratic sometimes. I'd prefer them here rather than with some sitter in a flat in town. Then he started to say how he'd be starting work on the mending of some outbuildings that are rented to a neighbour. The farmland and outbuildings are property of the five siblings, his brother, 3 sisters and himself, in equal parts. Since we bought the farmhouse and live here (now just me), my H has always done the lion's share of maintenance on lands and buildings rented out to neighbouring farmers. He took on the responsibility, the others would have been happy to use joint funds (moneys from rent etc.) to pay someone to do the work. When he exploded all over me in May, one of the "reasons" he gave to his siblings was that he felt all alone in doing maintenance work and keeping accounts, he was sick of it all. They never expected him to take on all that work (but never discouraged him either, just said nothing).Now he's gone out of the place, nice a,nd cosy in his flat away from it all, and he's planning to be back to fix up some stupid old shack. I nearly flipped. I kept my cool, but I said to him that I didn't understand how he could still intend to spend time and effort on something that contributed to his leaving the house, while the joint family property account could easily pay for someone professional to do the work, and his time would be his own. I don't know if he took my point. He just nodded and said "okay" or something. Full of contradictions. The things he complained about he's coming back for more of, but won't spend any time trying to get himself straightened out. By that I don't mean - so he'll see the light and come back to me. I mean, whatever he does, he can't just live life charging head first into ACTION without ever reflecting on what's going on in his head.

He's calmed down, but still hasn't tried to question the way he functions, and blow me, if he continues that way, he'll just go on and make the same mistakes again with me or someone else.And especially with his children.I seriously want to help him see that he has to think about what went wrong, but I can't argue with him now or try to influence him.

I managed to stay pleasant and friendly and outwardly relaxed. He had tea with us, then left (kiss on the cheek again). This evening, avoided looking at me (yesterday was all eyes) and was ok but walled in. Ups and downs. I spend too much time trying to read his actions and reactions as if they were tea-leaves in a cup, but I suppose if the truth were told, I often had to do just that in the past. He used to speak, is very sociable and used to tell me he loved me, etc., but I always had to check for subtext from his gestures and expressions. Now he's not really speaking, gestures and expressions are all I have to go on, and I can only say that what I see changes hourly, it would seem.
When will I stop torturing myself trying to "read" him like some oracle?
NCU