I can relate to everything you are saying. I am also living the same. It is terribly, terribly difficult.
I am close to 36 months in and not even close to a divorce. Yes, I am legally separated but it's not *divorced*. I also have "one of those" who has done whatever he can to delay a dissolution despite *he* being the one who demanded the dissolution.
*He* e-mailed me this week letting me know the following:
There is a huge aspect of his life missing and that aspect is me. The idea of me and all the time we shared (13 years but who is counting) runs like a movie through his head. *He* said he made a huge mistake leaving the marriage the way he did and he should have NOT done that and he regrets it. *He* said it was not fair to me (ya think?) and he now realizes he should have taken a few years alone before getting in a new R (ya think?). *He* also said he hired a dirt bag of an attny and he regrets it.
He wants to know if we can be friends (the umpteenth time he has asked in 36 months). And *he* wants to know what I have planned legally and if I could "please let him know so he can protect his "interests".
And *he* has gone so far out of his way to avoid the final dissolution *he* has now taken a job (for less money I might add) that will keep him traveling 90% of his work week. And *he* has pleaded for relief from the court to delay the dissolution come this Nov. due to his demanding work schedule.
I can relate to every single word you say.
For *he* declared I was not good enough, too sick, not a woman and the entire source of not only his misery but all the misery the world experiences. *He* declared he "can't be married anymore!" yet he is the one demanding we stay married. *He* is the one who stood in a parking lot spitting in my face like a rabid dog declaring "I'm done, NOTHING will ever change my mind" is now quite irate that "done" is way too final for him. And *he* is shared with me it's his great hope I am not done.
Since he lives with his hot little mistress and he is madly in love and happier than he has ever been it's curious so much is missing from his life. No? It is curious the thing that scares him most, a divorce, is the exact *thing* he demanded to a point of emotional and legal abuse.
And your W is my H without the penis. They are quite simply very confused individuals. They are incapable of dealing with their own sh*t so they continue to riddle our lives with crap. And it's a terrible, terrible shame the very court system that was designed to provide fair and just solutions, resolutions and dissolutions continues to allow a cheating WAS to dictate so much.
So I told *him* flat out... sure, we can be friends! Why don't you bring your mistress over, we can have a few cocktails and share a meal and you can let us know when "friend time" will happen and when "mistress time" will happen. That way there will be no more confusion, drama or hurt feelings and all THREE of us can be on the same page. He was not keen to that suggestion. Most probably because he is not "allowed" to be talking to me.
And there is some part of me that insists we have compassion for *him* and *her* because they are very, very unhappy and mixed up people.
I have no solutions or answers. Do what you can for you. Do what you can for your children. Do what you can to work within this legal system that seems to celebrate the abusive behavior of the WAS. There is no reason that 18 or 36 months later we should still be embroiled in a divorce case from the legal side. But somehow we both are. It's hell. Anybody who tries to tell you otherwise hasn't even come close a "difficult" legal divorce. It takes a toll in ways we cannot articulate.
