For me it's more than that, @antlers. Though it's a weird word choice, it strikes me as being disrespectful.
I'm not going to take issue with her decision-making during the A and with respect to initiating the D. Okay, fine -- what's more basic a DB mantra than "accept you're not in control"? So she cheated and lied and decided life with me was so intolerable that she had to destroy the family in order to save herself. Whatever. I have no influence over that.
But -- and I know I sound like a broken record here -- what really stymies me is how sincerely she seems to ask these "why can't we be friends" questions. Honestly, I don't think she's doing it to be provocative. I think she means it (or at least thinks she does).
But that is so utterly disrespectful, so lacking in any sense that she recognizes there's an actual human being on the other side, as opposed to some Hollow Man she's created in her mind to rationalize what she's done.
It's not that I don't "get" the idea in an abstract sense that it would be nice to be pally-wally afterwards, not to have to give up all connection after 20+ years. But come on -- give me a break! That's what it is, divorcing. It's a Giving-Up of connection -- it doesn't happen by accident.
But this settling-for-less thing; this idea that I would -- no, should -- be "okay" with tangentially interacting with her, that I should be glad she's willing to carve out this much space in her life for me, that I'm somehow worth that much but no more...it's almost as if she believes that it would be some kind of...I don't know...gift.
What would we talk about? The weather? The Cubs? The kids? It was "only" talking about the kids that was one of the problems in the first place. And there's really not much else to talk about -- not to hear STBX's story. After all, "we never had anything in common." That's script, sure, but we certainly don't have anything in common now -- even I can see that.
Why would I want to hear anything about her life without me? Why would she want to hear about mine? "Congratulations on all the great things that are happening to you."
Couldn't I just have my lawyer write up a blanket congratulations and file it with the court at the time of the D and be done with it?
Your honor, if it please the Court, my client would like to enter into the record a Declaration of Congratulations and Hearty Good-Fellowship to XW for all the things she may accomplish, achieve, acquire, attain, complete, earn, experience, facilitate, finish, gain, get, manage, negotiate, obtain, perfect, perform, procure, produce, reach, realize, settle, solve, undertake and/or otherwise win between today and the moment my client shuffles off this mortal coil; all rights reserved, res ipsa loquitor, keep out of reach of children, quod et demonstrandum, your results may vary, e pluribus unum, shake well before opening, from sea to shining sea, aaaaaay-men.
From my point-of-view, if I told someone I was "done" with her; that everything she did to try to revitalize the R was "too little, too late;" that I no longer found her attractive or desirable -- indeed, that the very idea of physical contact with her "made me sick" -- because of who she'd become; that I didn't have any respect for her or consider her to be a complete woman -- well, I mean, I wouldn't then expect her to rush for the opportunity of staying engaged in my life in whatever trivial way I decided I wanted.
And in that scenario, why would I want that, anyway?
And riddle me this: What if I (or you or you or you) bought off on this idea and swallowed my pride and took the emotional hit and became the Model Post-D-Relationship Guy -- and she decided she didn't like it after all? Didn't need it after all? Cue Emily Litella, right?
Aagh. Sorry for all this whining. My posts are supposed to be entertaining, and here I am just venting my spleen.
It's this constant delay, this long drawn-out seemingly endless process. What I wouldn't give for a day back in the war; like Forrest said, the good thing about Vietnam is there was always someplace to go, and there was always something to do (YouTube @1:47).
It's really wearing me down. I'm so tired of having to be "separated." I'm so tired of waiting for it to end.
You'd think she would be, too. She filed 18 months ago. She moved out 16 months ago. Yet she won't make a single settlement offer -- all she'll do is demand them from me and reject them outright.
Why doesn't she want to get divorced???
I'm dying inside, my friends; I can't breathe. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm losing my spirit.
I'm losing myself. I fear I've gone up-river only to discover that Mistah Smiley's Person -- he dead.
Between the idea And the reality Between the motion And the act Falls the Shadow
