Hey Lance, I am sorry I was not clearer. My wife is blaming me for her moving out of the house. This was her choice and doing. She, however blames me for this decision of hers. Bobby O
Okay Bobby O, just my perspective here. When my H first left 8 years ago, we spent an entire year of his leaving and coming back, leaving and coming back, in some sort of sick cycle. When he was home, I walked on eggshells, when he was gone, I cried myself silly. Eventually, things smoothed out, but the journey was not finished, and here we are again. This time he has been gone for almost 7 months. While I have grieved, and been angry, it has been much better than before when he came and went.
You have to have a firm grasp on YOU, because she doesn't have any idea who she is while in MLC. Don't argue the point, but don't accept it is 'your fault' just because she says it is. Next, it will be 'your fault' when it rains.
You sound like you are doing a great job as a Dad, and right now, that's the best you can do, and the most responsible.
I have been doing reading on midlife crisis and it can be associated with an Avoidant personality which I believe my wife has had for years and is associted with midlife crisis. It can be treated with medication and counseling but again my wife would need to agree.
Bobby,
I am certainly no expert but am a bit concerned about this statement. While the MLCers definitely fall into states where medication is often beneficial (my H is on anti-anxiety AND anti-depressants), it is by no means a TREATMENT. It may help them cope and see reality slightly better, but it's not going to snap them out of MLC. They still have a journey ahead of them. And counseling, IMHO, only works when the person in counseling KNOWS why they are there. Insisting on counseling on someone who feels THEY are the victim will be utterly pointless. If SHE realizes that she needs help working out her thoughts, then it can certainly be of benefit. From the sounds of it, it would not be good to welcome her back to the home. She made her choices and she will need to deal with them. You sound like you are being as supportive as you can and taking care of your family like you should. THAT is your purpose. Stop trying to FIX her. Only she can do that and it doesn't sound like she's realized she's broken yet. I think you are realizing you have a lot of work to do on yourself. Get to work on that.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Hey Lance, I am sorry I was not clearer. My wife is blaming me for her moving out of the house. This was her choice and doing. She, however blames me for this decision of hers. Bobby O
All you can do is validate her feelings.
"I am sorry you feel that I forced you out of the house"
then you could say
"You can change your mind if you want"
Then is is up to her. You have NO control over her decisions or her feelings.
Last night my wife called me at 9 pm stating she had been at my house earlier to use the computer and it was not working. She said she needed to print some things for class and did not have the printer. She asked me if I could bring the printer and hook it up to her computer. I did do it for her. I had not been in her apartment before and I was saddened by how small and cluttered it was and how I can understand now why my youngest daughter has not been wanting to stay at the apartment. I did not comment on the apartment. My wife appeared very depressed and stressed out. She returned money to me she had put on my credit card and returned my credit card to me. She looked like she was going to cry. I know this is her doing and she in her heart of hearts had to do this. I know it is not my concern but I can not picture her living there for the next several months let alone years. I texed my wife now and said I could get my daughter today both to and from dance and that they were welcomed to have dinner with me tonight.It is so hard to see this and disengage. I know I have to because she has to see the light. I still love her and admire her for her courage. I will pray for her. Bobby O
Yes it is Bobby. But you must. She has to find her own way. She has been using you in her life for a long time...I expect.
Part of what she is running from is just THAT. You taking care of everything. Even though she lets you do it and sometimes even expects it...she resents it deep down.
Let her stand with HER decisions.
Try to resist the urge to rescue. Even bringing the printer over was a little rescue exercise.
From a former rescuer...think about this.
It validates you when she needs you?
You feel good when she needs you?
You feel it is your responsibility to save her from her own choices?
There are always two dysfunctional people in a codependent relationship Bobby.
Try to recognize this when you feel like doing it.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Part of what she is running from is just THAT. You taking care of everything. Even though she lets you do it and sometimes even expects it...she resents it deep down.
Sooooooo true. Found this one out the hard way.
Grit is making a lot of sense very early today ... read and re-read that post and really think about what he's saying/asking...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
This may sound a little harsh. My only hope is that you will soon open your eyes and ears.
Please keep in mind, I'm not saying you should be harsh with your wife. You should still treat her with respect, however you need to understand that this person IS NOT YOUR WIFE OF OLD. Stop relating to her that way.
Originally Posted By: Bobby O
Last night my wife called me at 9 pm stating she had been at my house earlier to use the computer and it was not working.
She has moved out right? Stop Enabling her. She will take and take and take whatever she can and not give a rip about you. Sorry to put it that way but it is the way they operate.
Quote:
She said she needed to print some things for class and did not have the printer. She asked me if I could bring the printer and hook it up to her computer. I did do it for her.
What happened to letting her go? This isn't it.
Quote:
I know this is her doing and she in her heart of hearts had to do this. I know it is not my concern but I can not picture her living there for the next several months let alone years.
Your actions do not match your words. You continue to make it your concern out of FEAR.
It would be wonderful if she just woke up and saw what a great, helpful guy you are. That is the rational way to look at this. Unfortunately you are dealing with the opposite of rational.
Quote:
It is so hard to see this and disengage. I know I have to because she has to see the light.
Then do it.... step back and ALLOW her the opportunity to do so.
Hey Lance, I am sorry I was not clearer. My wife is blaming me for her moving out of the house. This was her choice and doing. She, however blames me for this decision of hers. Bobby O
Sure she does, they ALL do.
She blames you for her having to move out, and she EXPECTS you to still help her out and be there for her.....
Do you not see how you are feeding this in a way???
