Different people will see it through different lenses, certainly. I actually found the ide of the crucible comforting.
First, I think it's an exaggeration to say "years of struggle before anything good." I don't think Schnarch says that the highest level of "passionate marriage" is the only good thing you'll have in your marriage. As YAH pointed out, there are good times and bad, even wonderful times, in most marriages even though most never reach that pinnacle. But that doesn't mean working toward that pinnacle isn't important! Only two teams make the Super Bowl and only one wins. Does that mean the team that lost the Super Bowl had a meaningless season? Or that the team that lost in the first round of the playoffs had a pointless season, since they didn't reach the pinnacle? Of course not; they had good times and bad and experienced life at a high level.
Second, and more importantly, I found it comforting to think of periods of struggle in a marriage as normal. I think Schnarch has identified something important when he says that many people think that "it shouldn't be this hard." My wife said that again a few weeks ago, but here we are the last two weeks really enjoying each other and our family . . . . and all because we worked through that struggling time and made some changes. I think it's too easy, when you're really struggling with your marriage because you and your spouse have a genuine conflict in your interests, libido, or whatever, to think about what life will be like if that state continues for the next 50 years and be overwhelmed. It makes people think about getting out . . . but if you take Schnarch's message to heart, you realize your marriage is not necessarily broken or doomed because you're struggling right now. The struggle is normal and, what's more, according to the crucible principle, it's likely that you can come out of it stronger than you went in if you meet it head-on. That's a comforting thought for me. I'm more afraid of being helpless or doomed than anything else. If I control my destiny . . . . even if I'm in a frightening place and frightening things may happen, that's something I can hold onto.
