So once again, she sent me a text, to see if i would let her use the bathroom tonight while she was visiting the kids. I said yes. She then felt the need to let me know she went directly to the bathroom and directly out of the home. I didnt respond to her.
About an hour later, she sent me another text asking for more time with the older to boys. She gets more time with the younger two, but with the boys visitation with their dad, she sees them less.
I told her I got one weekend a month without children, and that I needed that time for me to go out and have a social life, and just quality time for myself.
She responded she understands, and she will try to come up with something mutual for both of us. I kept my reply to "let me know, and I would listen and think about it".
She tried to talk some more and I said i was busy and to enjoy her visit.
So, i am trying to be short and control the conversation as best as I can. One day at a time.
At least she didnt take them to her home tonight, they had a picnic in the park, and my youngest boy didnt even go. he went to his friends instead. I hope she relizes just what a mess she has created.
So feeling a little pissy today, the waw has all 4 kids this weekend, and the plan is for her to take them to her home with the OM. This will be the first time my 2 oldest have spent any time with the OM. I know my kids will behave, secretly i wish they would be themselves and argue and fight like normal when with their mom, but my kids wont. They will be respectful, and i cant say i wont be proud of them. I am just pissy about it. Its been 6 months for petes sake, and she feels the need to let them see her in her new relationship in her new home. I guess im just not adjusting to that thought very well. It will be a long weekend.
So here is where I need some real advise. Yesterday when I got home, 3 of my children where ready to go. My 12 was angry and in the garage. I went to talk to him and he was upset about going to Mom and OM house for the weekend. At this point I didnt know what to say to him. I stopped myself from saying the obvious but i collected my thoughts and asked him why. He didnt give an answer. After a couple of questions about his day, I went back to the why question and he said he didnt want to betray me. I gave him a big hug, told him he has nothing to worry about. Then i did the one thing he needed to hear and it was really hard. I told him to go, keep and open mind and he might just have fun at the OM house. I told him, he was there for time with Mom. But that he might like OM as he got to know him. I told him if he didnt feel good, he could call me and I would come and pick him up and bring him home. I sent him with my spare phone and he has texted me alot. But he seems to be doing ok.
I just talked my son into accepting the OM! It felt like the right thing to do for my child, but dam I hate myself for doing it.
So today was the realization that there is nothing i can do. My son phoned home from the bathroom at the amusement park and Grandma answered. No big deal right? well, grandma talked to him and told him to have fun. the minute she hung up the phone she went nuts, she was yelling and screaming she was pretty much where i have been for the last 6 month. She was saying she never wants to see her daughter again, she was done with her. How could she ruin her life and put her children through this not once but twice for 2 of them. She went on for quite some time. she talked to her mom and her sister. my wifes entire family is against her. She has one cousin who did the same thing to her husband that still talks to her. This cousin has now gone back to her husband. My wife has no one.
this reality hit me, and I didnt feel anything. I told my mother in-law that she needs to let it go. I told her that our family would be okay no matter what. I think seeing her go through the emotions that i have been feeling for so long pushed me to realize i am numb to this.
My wife has decided to live with him, she has planned outings with only 2 kids at a time with OM and is breaking him in slowly to the whole kid thing. She has no desire of raising her children anymore. She wants to be a part time mom. She wants to only do fun things with them. She spends money on her and fun activities with the kids. She isnt paying her support, she is selfish. I deserve better than all of this. I think it is time to walk away, raise my kids and enjoy them and the family i have around me. I will have the lawyer file the papers and get out of this marriage. I have enough evidince to prove the affair, which i will need to do as in Ontario it must be proven on you have to wait a year.
Is it normal to feel nothing? If anyone has any words of wisdom, please share. it seems no one is saying anything on here. well thanks for reading.
Tank don't do it!!!! That is between him and his Mom. If this was a completely different guy past divorce then maybe but doing this only further entrenches her in the affair. Makes it easier on her guilt by giving the OM a Free Pass as a influence on the kids and allows the kids are free to like him.
Ok, well i will say, so much for talking my son into being friends with the OM, i totally went to far tonight. In the past as my wife has slowly introduced OM to kids, they have taken the kids on fun outings and OM has given small gifts to my children. Well when they brought them home, I explained to my kids that they were not to bring anything home from Mommy's house, but to always leave the stuff there. They knew I didnt like OM just didnt know why. I then gave the items back to W and told her to keep her private life at her and Om house, nothing was ever to come home with the kids, especially nothing of OM`s. I set a boundary, and it has been kept.
Until tonight. My kids came home with a new football jersy (OM likes the same team as me, sucks), and new team football and a Jar of change. I asked the kids what was this stuff they brought home. I was told the OM gave it to them, i told them to take the items to their mothers car and leave them there. oldest took the ball and jersy back but his brother tried to sneak the money upstairs. i happened to see him and took it away as his mother had already left. I took it outside and put it in my car so it can be dropped off to his mothers place.
Well my too SC went nuts, slammed doors, threw things and my oldest punched a hole in the wall. They wouldnt talk to me, so I had to pull them in the bedroom away from my 6 yr old and tried to calm them down. Well my 3 boys decided they wouldnt except any other reason but the truth as to why they couldnt bring things from OM home.
I told them they didnt want to know and they needed to listen and respect my rules. They started yelling at me so i told them fine. I explained that since last october, there mom was always late from work cause she would go to OM house spend time with him instead of coming home. When she did come home she would say she had to work late and put on that everything was fine. She chose the OM instead of daddy, and left and moved in with him. I told them mommy chose to live there instead of home with the family. Mommy has done nothing that she told us she would do when she left, she didnt get a home near by, she has moved to another town and lives with om and daddy doesnt need to have anything from the OM in my home as a reminder of my family being torn apart. they accepted this explaination and calmed down.
About 20 mins later my soon to be 15 year old asked to talk. Him and i have an agreement. I dont treat him like a kid and i tell him the truth and he tells me the truth. Him and i havent always gotten along, and since we made that deal, we talk everyday and we love each other like we should. Well he wanted to know the truth about his mom. He wanted to know if his dad was going to make him move. Well I told him everything, about what his mom had done, that i still loved her, and i always would, but i couldnt wait and i couldnt let her do what she wanted and to break my boundaries. I told him, his dad was trying to get the courts to give him custody of the 2 boys, but that the court has ruled in my favour. I have a stable job, they would get to stay in the same school with their friends, and i have supported them for the last 11 years. the court has chosen me as the parent who they get to live with. He didnt need to worry. When him and I finished, he was releaved, the stress seemed to fall right off of him. He understands what his mom did, and what the om means. He also knows that if the OM ever comes near me, I will Knock him out. I know, but he asked, and i told him. He knows that if mommy were to start a new relationship with someone else, I could deal with that. I could be at school functions, it wouldnt be easy as i love his mom, but i could do it. But his mother had an affair with the Om and i would never accept him. He was pretty good, and when we were all done, he gave me a 5 minute hug, and thanked me for telling him and not treating him like a kid. He then went to bed, and was passed out in minutes.
So my wife knows that i told the kids, and that she had never break my boundaries again. She can deal with the consequences of what she has done, and answer their questions. needless to say, she isnt very happy with me, but i didnt say anything other that what I posted to her and it was by text.
so today my oldest asked me to stay home with him so we both played hookey today. He just want to talk and spend time with me. It was very nice, he told me he respects my decisions and he will help the other children to follow the rules. What more could a dad ask for.
My w kept texting me all day. she is very concerned that the kids know what happened with her and the OM. I just didnt get into it with her and she sent 17 texts in total. I just shut my phone off. So she called the house and spoke with our son. He told her i was busy. He didnt want to talk to her, and he didnt like her trying to bring the man who helped to break our family up into his life. He told her he loved her and had to go as we were having a special day just the 2 of us.
I know i might have gone to far by telling the children, but I dont regret it. They can make their own opinions of the OM now knowing all the facts.
Well, my wife sent me a text right before she was due to see the kids yesterday. She wasnt coming. She told the kids she was sick.
In the text she started on about how was it that I date and see other people, but she wasnt allowed to have her boyfriend in the kids life? I told her it wasnt the same thing. The OM had a hand in tearing this family apart, my children dont need to be happy with him around. They dont need to interact with the man who got involved with a married women and a mother. She should want better for her children. I also said that I was dating, i was seeing a couple of people, but nothing serious. Then the blindside, well my mom seems to like S>>> very much, nice get my mother to like your girlfriend. I had to laugh and thank my mother inlaw on that issue.
I told my W that i was seing s... casually and that was it. I valued her mothers opinion and anyone i am seeing will meet her way before they were ever to meet my children. I stressed that it was casual, just haning out and having a good time. No committment on either part. Told her what i was doing was rebuilding my life. It was about meeting new people, having fun. why not, i look great, feel great and dam, i hate to say it but women find a hardworking man with a good job and the family committment that i have attractive. I cant help that. The gym is not only good for me but my social life as well.
I told her that my social life was mine, not hers. That the OM was scum and i would never accept him in my childrens life. If it was anyone other than the OM i woulndt have an issue. If she pursues this avenue, I will do everything with in my power legally to stop it. My children have the right to know who their mother is trying to buy into their life.
Nice to know she is jealous of my social calendar. I have told MIL to keep quite about what i am doing. She can drop hints but give no details.
Since W didnt show up for her visit and I dont plan meals, I took the kids out for pizza and a movie. Feels good to be the one doing the fun stuff only for a change. She just could face her kids for what she had done. Should be interesting on Thursday for her visit.
So we started family coun. last night for me and the kids. Was very interesting. The c asked some routine questions with just me first in the room first. to get the details of the situation. When the kids were with me, she kinda put me on the spot. She came right out and asked me if I wanted to divorce my wife. I was like WTF, dont ask that in front of the kids. Of course i didnt say that, I said I felt I had no other options as my wife was pushing further and further away from the family. She repeated the question, I thought about it and I told her NO in front of my children.
She took out a little booklet, 31 reasons to stop an affair. She handed it to me. Told me to read it while she talked with the children. I did read it and when I was done, she asked me what did I think? I said I agreed with everyone of them, but it wasnt me who had to agree with them. She asked the children what they wanted, they all said they wanted mommy home. Of course. We left the topic for a little while and went to the discussion of me telling the children about the other man.
The c agreed that the children had a right to know what the other man represents, that he is not a good influence on the family life. She inforced that it was okay for the kids to like him, but did they want to like him or want mommy home? So the deal in the family now is "they like OM, but mommy coming home is way more important!".
So people help me out here people,all I can say is WTF!
She then went back to the topic of the 31 reasons, she looked at me and said it was my job to get my wife to read them. I was a little pissed off at this, I tild her I have tried everything i could think of. She said, look at your children. A mother cant walk away from 4 beautiful faces, she is feeling confused, like she has no options, and the noose is closing in. If I continue to pressure her with court taking my child support, with the lack of attention from me and family, and little time with the kids she will start to feel helpless. She will feel that she has no other option but to stay where she is, where her finances allow. I said I have offered to help her get a place. Apparantly that was my mistake. I need to let her know i still care, and my goal is for our family to be reunited, but she has to decide to ask for the help. I told her if i try to get her to read this she will tell me to FO and leave her alone.
Well i was told to throw in the towel and walk away. I couldnt believe this women was saying this in front of my children! She said, "find a way to get her to read it". She then looked at the kids and asked them if they wanted to help. Of course they all said yes. So some ideas were thrown out on how to get mommy to read them. Here is what I decided to do.
I went to the store and bought 31 different cards, all about just thinking of you, friendship, caring, etc. 31 diffferent ones. Each day I will write a little note, put in 1 reason and then the kids will all put in a note and sign the card. We will maybe put in pictures of the family doing things, and maybe small gifts that would be normally exchanged between us and her. Everyday either I will put it on her car, the kids will give it to her at their visit or a family member will drop it off. But for the next 31 days she will recieve something.
This goes against everything i have been told to do up til now. I told the c that and that i didnt want to give the children false hope. She looked at the kids and asked them what they wanted, Mommy home or for us to just forget and moveon with out her. We all know what 4 children said. at the end of the session, i asked to speak to her privately. I said i dont want my children hanging on to false hope and that this would just piss their mom off as she will claim I am using the kids against her now. She looked me in the face, she said those kids need their mom and dad to fight for this. If they see me fight, they will know that is ok to fight for what we want. with my support, they would go after their dreams, if they continually hit a brick wall, well thats life, but they willhave me their right with them along the way. She said no matter what, this will be a good thing. If i had answered yes to the divorce question, she would have taken a different approach, but she feels the kids and i need too do this together if for nothing else but to bring us closer and to show us that we can do anything as a family unit. She told me that my w will for sure get angry, probably yell at me and get nasty with me, she might even stop dodging the D paperwork, but she wont throw the cards in the garbage, cause her kids have put their love into them. She might be angry and not read them, but if we stay consistant and make sure I follow through for the entire 31 days, at one point during that time, she will read them, she will see just how committed I am to the marriage and the family, and jut what she means to the family. She told me no women can just walk away from her family, her kids especially when their wasnt a period of hate or abuse or even fighting in the home. This was about her and her alone. I was just her excuse. If after 31 days this has made no change, and i want to finalize the D, we will switch gears and work through it, but if after that time I still cant say i want a D, we will try something different.
Come on people, no one seems to want to respond here on my posts. I know i am all over the place and they are long, but this one seems totally screwed up to me. Not sure if i can do this. I would appreciate any and all comments on this mess. Looking for some thoughts from all of you.
I went to the store and bought 31 different cards, all about just thinking of you, friendship, caring, etc. 31 diffferent ones. Each day I will write a little note, put in 1 reason and then the kids will all put in a note and sign the card. We will maybe put in pictures of the family doing things, and maybe small gifts that would be normally exchanged between us and her. Everyday either I will put it on her car, the kids will give it to her at their visit or a family member will drop it off. But for the next 31 days she will recieve something.
Don't do it. It's pursuing, pressure and loaded with expectation.
Find out from the C how many times she has actually used it and seen it work. Ask her what the theory is behind the 31 reasons.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
