Achieving a balance and when do you walk away?

[steady]

Will figure out how to lead more. Tough balance that I don't know. I asked her out to dinner. I'm making the plans. That's leading. When I pull back - she starts being more talkative. She wants space. Gut tells me not to pursue as it's perceived as overwhelming/overbearing. How do I pull back and lead?

Asking her out to dinner will either be seen as leading or as pursuing. The sad thing is this - it all depends on the perspective of the WAS and how they interpret your actions plus your intention - sometimes your mind will hide pursuing behind 'leading' and you will be convinced you are leading when in fact you are pursuing. Your mind can hide it from you but it will permeate out of you and be seen by your W.

When you pull back she will become more interested. Nobody can chase something that isn't moving away. You can see the begging, pleading, gifts, poems, cards, calling - pursuing, doesn't work.

She needs to get back the respect for you. When a woman loses respect, she loses the security she wants to feel. They can then walk away.

How do I pull back and lead?

When you make decisions, draw boundaries and enforce them, take action, based on what YOU want with no regard to what effect it will have on your W or your sitch or anyone else, then you are leading.

Now it begs the question. Well if my impulse is to tell her how much I love her, to keep asking her out, to keep taking her temperature - this must be what I want. So, to follow what 'I want' means to do these things.

But when we look further in - all of these things are not really what you want. What you want is to be a strong, confident, independent person who is healthy and does NEED anyone or anything in order to be happy.

That's what you want.

Pursuing her and doing all the things your fear is telling you to do won't get you what you want. That's why this stuff is counter intuitive. Everyone who walks into this place, as well as their spouses, are unhealthy and have issues which plague them to a point a R gets destroyed.

You are here now, so your thinking and your 'heart' will tell you things. Those things are based on your unhealthy and issue filled life paradigm. This is why it is a 180 to do the opposite of what you think you should do. Those actions are in direct opposition to the thinking, feeling and acting which got you here.

This is why you work on yourself. That's the focus and that's where yours needs to be. Not on her, not on the sitch, but you.

When you do what is HEALTHY for you to do regardless of what may happen, you are leading. You are leading your life. This is what is confident building. This is what will make you the man you want to be. A woman will be attracted to that and will respect that.

Since I've drawn boundaries and enforced them my W has no choice but to respect me. That is happening. She may hate me, but she will respect me. I can't demand respect, and can't force someone to respect me, but I can COMMAND respect by holding my ground in which I respect myself and this means not tolerating disrespect from other people. The less I tolerate it, the more respect I get. People cannot respect you if you don't respect yourself.

You must grow.