LBS Living...

[ericmsant2]

IB

this is a LONG journey and I know that I am just in the beginning.

The length and the type of journey is what you define IB. Just remember that you control YOUR life and how you choose to live it.

Not sure why he cc'd me - but it's just another instance where I am baffled - but quiet. No responses from me.

It has been my experience that you will often see behavior from some one is a crisis that makes not sense. The challenge for me was to finally realize that you should not expand any effort trying to figure out what it is they are trying to say or why they do the things they do. The solution – DETACH.

My oldest D talked to me today and said "Mom, you need to start acting differently - get mad, get angry, think that he is an a$$hole - because he is. You don't have to confront him - but just feel it and begin to let yourself think and do things in a different way."

I think she is right.

IMO – she is. You need to get angry, you need to feel it and NO you should not confront him. Do you know what repressed anger is? Depression. IB, you have a right to be angry…it is what YOU do with this anger that will determine where you are. Do you use the anger to help you define where you went wrong, what you need to change and propel you forward OR do you use to hurl insults his way and call him and as*hole. FWIW – calling him a bunch of name would probably make you feel better in the short run BUT would it HELP YOU achieve what you want to achieve for YOU? Probably not, but your D is on to something….the anger IB…has to come out.

I kept my bottled up for months and one day exploded. Did I feel better? Yes initially and then I realized that my response what NOT how I wanted to responded. Nor was it WHO I wanted to be.

I am still struggling with how to deal with recognizing that we each contributed to problems in our marriage

Be honest with yourself is the first step. The second is detachment. Once you detach and are no longer driven by the emotional tornado that is MLC, you begin the process of looking inside yourself. It is then, that you begin to really realize where and how you played a role in all of this. The tendency will then be to beat the living chit out of yourself, which is why IMO, many do not dig that deep. IF you begin to realize that you are beating yourself up – STOP and remember this – ALL of us, did the best we could with what we knew at the time. Now that you know better…it’s quite simple – do better. Ya know, we tell everyone to focus on themselves and the reason for this is quite simple. It is a win win for YOU. Regardless of what happens in your M – YOU will be better.

but I wanted to be held accountable by him if I was screwing up

Why did YOU need HIM to be accountable? Look at this IB. Why do you need anyone to be accountable for YOUR actions?

I wasn't the one he wanted, so it wasn't worth the effort.

I have said this to others and I’ll say it again….DO YOU really know that YOU are not the one he wanted? Stop trying to read his mind. Maybe he said this to you…I don’t know BUT even if he did, let me ask you a question. Have YOU ever said anything in anger that you regretted or better yet did not mean? Remember IB, he is angry – angry at himself. His anger though is not YOUR problem – it is his.

do you make amends with someone who doesn't want you in their life?

1 – when you forgive you will find that YOU can make amends. The really cool thing is that when you forgive and heal you realize that it is YOUR decision.

2 – “doesn’t want you in their life” – Yeah, maybe right this very second he does not want you in his life BUT isn’t it possible the he can change his mind? Isn’t it possible that he may need a lot more time to work through all of his issues? Stop focusing on HIM and get back to FOCUSING on YOU.

but emotionally I think there continues to be these strands that haven't completely let go.

Don’t rush it…you will let go when YOU are suppose to let go. Instead of focusing on why the stands are still there, why no focus on some of the things/dreams that you had for your life and start living them.

the answers are...it really has nothing to do with you

IB – read ImLin’s response up there ^^^^ …..YOUR H’s issues are HIS – you IB focus on YOU.

By keeping that as a HOPE but planning for a solo future, I should be OK either way.

IB – never loose HOPE – never… As Alb mentioned…act as if you will be alone. Stop fighting it…just let go IB.. Let go..

IB, everything that you are going through right now, the emotions, the feelings, the pain – all if it is normal. Be gentle on yourself and be still…what is gonna happen will happen. In God’s time IB, not ours..in HIS.

I’ll leave you with this….IB – close your eyes tonight…clear your mind…and stop for a second and think about your dreams….the dreams that you had a single IB – what did she want to do, what did she aspire to be.. All of it can be yours if you take that step…

That step….

To be YOU

YOU are exceptional…just because YOU are YOU.

You define YOU IB – no one else – just YOU.

God Bless,
Eric