If ever he does come back, will it be possible to trust and love this man again? Take care, NCU
This is a question I keep asking myself. I'm sitting here and I should be packing and closing the house up to go to TN, and I don't want to go! My strength is shot, had a crappy conversation with H. We slipped back into chatting, he being all "lets be friends" and me playing along and then when he is nasty to me, I just fall apart. He's grumpy and it is going to get worse. I had dinner with his parents and told them he was having an affair. He is going to be furious. I need to stop talking to him, stop stop stop! You are so smart to not take his calls. Once I'm back with the kids, that will be easier.
I, too, can not understand how they don't want to be with their kids. I can here the frustration in H's voice after a full week with them. He is going to be esctatic to go to OW's house. As much as I've enjoyed the freedom of the week, I would still rather be with my kids.
I don't know what I'm doing to save my M. Honestly, I'm trying to stall the process to allow me to figure out what I want. I'm trying to be pleasant when I talk to him so I can get my ducks in a row. But last time, he needed to choke on his freedom before he wanted back. This time, he is busy making plans to be with OW. For get a life, I still need to work on that, but I have reached out to many friends and asked for support. That is new for me, I usually try and do everything by myself, so reconnecting with girlfriends that I haven't talked to in a while is really nice. And I talked to H's parents and stated what I want (in terms of kids) and at least broke the ice there. H can tell them whatever he wants, but I think they know I am genuine when it came to the kids.
This is SO HARD!
Mishka, my lions tanked, but the only good thing is H loves them more than I do!
Dagny
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
It is amazing has physically draining all of this is. I drove the 12 hours back to TN, and unlike the drive the week before where I cried almost the entire time, there were no tears. I had decided that in January I would begin the divorce proceedings. I even told my mother and a few friends. I told H this when I got home, along with some facts about child support and alimony. He got furious with me, shocked that I have done this research and appalled at the amount of money he will have to pay me each month. He said he knew where I stood, I was only after his money. I fired back about how I felt to move down here and find out he was living with another woman. He sputtered a bit, aghast at my accusation, and said that he spent every night in this house. So, maybe he just had sex at her house and slept here. I should feel so much better about that! He stormed out to go see OW and I was left shaking and feeling ill. I am not cut out for these battles.
So, after making this decision, S11 sat on my lap (kids were not around when I had discussion with H) and cried how much he wants mom and dad to get back together. So my resolve melted. How can I just give up when this has such a huge impact on my childrens' life? It is better for them to be in a happy family. Could I ever truly forgive him? I don't know, but am I no better than he if I take the easy way out?
Dagny
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
Dagny, I understand where you're coming from, especially with the turmoil it causes the kids. My D has started asking for her daddy more and more lately, it hasn't turned into a sad "I want daddy to come home" type of thing yet . . but I'm already dreading the day it does. Maybe at this point it would be better to just work on maintaining a civil, cordial relationship for the kids. Rather than think of it as trying to bust this divorce and rebuild a R with your H, maybe thinking of it as "this R is definitely over, right now the only R we need to concentrate on is the one we will have for the kids". See if things follow from there? I'm not cut out for fights either, I'm extremely grateful that since I exposed H's affair he's quit fighting with me to sign the D papers he filed. Although that may be a bad sign (not sure) it's at least given me the chance to recuperate.
Me: 24 H: 26 2 SS: 7 & 5; D: 3 H filed D papers: 8/2/10 OW discovered: 08/10 D papers counter-filed: 10/2/10 There is no method to my madness
Dagny...just a quick piece of advice...take it or leave it.
I understand that a D is not what you want. If he wants it so badly then let him file. If you really want to file yourself then for heavens sake.....don't inform him of what research you have done, money he will be paying, NOTHING! That is for the L's and judge to inform him. If he hears it from you then YOU are the bad guy. YOU are only out to get him. YOU ARE A RAGING B!TCH. Trust me....he's thinking it! It doesn't matter to him that he brought it on himself by lying, cheating, continuing to commit adultery....nope....now it's all about what YOU are doing to HIM. You just put all that out there for him to stew over.
So......
1)Continue to gather information in order to protect yourself and your kids.
2)ABSOLUTELY do not share any of your plans with him. (Seriously, D is war and you wouldn't share your battle plan with your enemy would you?)
3)Refrain from speaking to him at all unless one of the kids is bleeding from the ears. GO DARK.
He needs to face his own consequences. He's going to be fuming for a long time over your revelations to him. Don't stoke the fire.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Your right, Mishka, it is the old shoot the messenger philosophy. Part of my philosophy was to threaten him with filing for cause and making his life difficult at work if he filed in TN, since I want the PA courts to have it if we are living there. So I shared that PA will give me less $ than TN. Then he kept asking me questions and I, stupidly, kept answering them. I'm too open, I share too much, I need to stop that.
Another hard part about this, once I decide on leaving, Dad won't be 20 minutes away, he is going to be 12 hours away, the kids need to change schools again. I know it is his doing, but it is the kids that suffer. And isn't this a repeated theme all across the world?
He called 3 times in the afternoon/evening last night, I ignored the first 2 and let the kids answer on the 3rd and he asked to talk to me, we spoke very briefly, I didn't do anything to maintain the conversation, so it was very short. Then he called this morning at the same time the alarm goes off just to say hi. It is very bizzare. He doesn't make this dark easy, when he keeps calling me!
So question, when he is making these "hi" calls, am I pleasant (dbing--being the better "option" --which I am, he is just too stupid to know that and since he is so stupid, why do I want him back--oops sorry, tangent there) or am I short to get the point across that we aren't friends, I'm not his chatting buddy anymore, he lost that privledge. I like it best when I can just ignore his phone calls, but when the phone rings and I'm sleeping, I tend to answer without thinking!
Dagny
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
Ok, so if you can't not answer then say hello, what do you need? Period. If you do that often enough he will get the point that he is not to call you unless he has something kid related to relay.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I have been finding myself withdrawing from the world, I’m doing what I need to get my work done and the boys where they need to be, but not much else. I know it isn’t healthy, but I feel empty, not enough energy to do any more than this.
At every turn I am still surprised by H’s actions and his complete betrayal of me and his desire to hide money and have nothing to do with me. He has taken me off the credit cards (left me one to use) and I just saw today that he no longer has his paycheck deposited into one of our two accounts. He must have opened a new checking account and has the money going there. He also takes out large amounts of cash which I’m sure he is hiding. I can document everything up to now, where the money goes, I will not know.
Last weekend he took S13 to a PSU game (13 hours away). He drove through the night and then after the game went to a boy scout function where it doesn’t sound like he was well received, he called and alluded to the fact that I have poisoned everyone there and wanted to know my thoughts on if he should be wearing the bs shirt. I tried to turn it around on him, but he said I answered the question. Then he decided to drive home during the night and arrive home to drop S13 off and go off and have his Sunday free. I didn’t like that he changes plans without telling me and also driving such a distance on very little sleep.
I am doing better at avoiding conversations, but still plenty of room for improvement. My C has told me I should let H know the conversations the boys have about the separation. H then accused me of giving them false hope. I told him I didn’t think I was and in light that he was taking his mistress to this week’s PSU game, I really don’t see this ending well for the family. Well, he had a fit. He said that what he does when he isn’t with the boys is none of my business, just like what I do on my non-boy weekends is totally up to me! He also told me that the use of the word mistress was totally inappropriate, she had no part in our separation or eventual divorce (though she is using his address on her job applications). He further went on to accuse me of making up what the boys said to try and get him back. I had many replies I wanted to write, but I decided to not do anything to escalate the tension.
I’m hurt, confused, and scared at everything he will do to try and hide money. I had a Christmas deadline, but I’m debating moving it up to Thanksgiving. I need to figure out if I want to move furniture back to PA or leave everything here (and have it evaluated for a monetary settlement). I am planning to eventually write H an email about when he wants us to move so I will have it in writing in case he would claim I moved the boys out of state without his permission. The anger he lashes at me is enormous and that has always been a weakness of mine, I’m too much a people pleaser, but this is starting (or has been and I’m slowly getting there) to go beyond the save the M stage and to the same me and the boys stage.
Dagny
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
Oh my Dagny. He sounds exactly like my xh when he tore our family apart. They become this person that we've never seen before don't they?
You know what I'm going to say but I'll say it anyway. STOP TALKING TO HIM.....AT ALL!!! No good will come of it. Go completely dark. If he wants to talk to the kids he can call them (do they have their own phones? If not have them answer...I'm sure you have caller ID.) If he wants to speak to you when he calls, step outside and tell the kids to advise their father that you are not available. See, if you are outside then you are likely not available...no lying. If you need to work out scheduling for the kids then do so only by email. Not phone, not text...email. You have written records of everything he agrees to and any abusive language he uses toward you.
This is now a battle and there can be no friendship in war. Protecting yourself and your kids is priority #1. Your H is so far off the deep end that he is not going to turn around any time soon. Treat him like a mental patient....with kidd gloves and lots of 'bless your hearts'.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
((((((Dagny))))) I think mishka said it... talking with him, trying to understand him, it's not going to help at all.
I know you have a deadline, but that's only a deal between you and yourself. The way he is hiding money, I think I would seriously consider starting to take action now. I am concerned that he is going to leave you high and dry, and without the means to protect yourself. Anything you do now is not really going to do anything negative to your chances of a reconciliation, if there are any chances. If anything, you taking action is going to perhaps get him to realize that there are going to be consequences of his actions.
Withdrawing from the world, in the short term, maybe not so bad, but you are right, in the long run you don't want that.
