My feeling is that over the years I've simply become too soft, and always helping her, doing anything for her. I've nearly always done more childcare than her on top of running my business, it just isn't attractive. In fact she's told me that I'm too much of a "pleaser" but then again criticising me for making major decisions in the past without her.. the contradictions abound then you start feeling guilty for what you might have done.
On the depression front, what do you do with someone who denies there's a problem. Case in point this morning, "Ohh I feel much better and that a fog has lifted I'm not depressed anymore but don't let it think I've changed my mind about us I don't want you to have any hope of us getting together" Why does she have to keep reinforcing this every day. ?
She will not go to counselling or treatment and you can't force someone. It just feels that there is no hope left whatsoever in this marriage..
She keeps reinforcing this everyday as a test to you.
Women test men, some women test men constantly, it's a subconscious habit, it's a requirement, they need to make sure that they are with the right men, it's hardwired into our brains just like it's hardwired into you as to the type of women you're attracted to, you didn't get to choose the type of woman you wanted to be with, you saw her, she was attractive to you and you followed through on that instinct. She's following through on her testing instinct and you are FAILING her tests.
"Why does she have to keep reinforcing this every day. ?"
To keep you in weak, submissive state, to continue testing you and to continue validating to herself that her actions are correct, you are weak, you aren't the man she needs to be with. The fact that she cheated on you and pursued another man to have sex with proves this. The fact that she still lives with you and you take care of her without getting to have sex with her proves this, the fact that you let her beat you up and abuse you the way she does (what she does to you is abusive), proves this to her.
I'm glad she reinforces this statement to you everyday, it's a good lesson to you, it's also an opportunity for you to try something different to get different results.
"Ohh I feel much better and that a fog has lifted I'm not depressed anymore but don't let it think I've changed my mind about us I don't want you to have any hope of us getting together"
You reply:
"I'm glad you feel so much better and that your fog has lifted and you aren't depressed anymore. Now that you're feeling better you can get a full-time job and find another place to live because I don't want you to live here anymore and don't worry, I have NO HOPE whatsoever of us getting together again because I've decided that I don't want that anymore, I deserve better than this."
Her response: "I can't believe you're so mean, I thought you loved me, how could you treat me this way?" (she doesn't mean it, she's testing you)
YOU: "You're right, I am so mean, but you are mean also. I've decided I don't want to live with a person who is mean to me and you should make the same decision too. I would like you to start looking for a new place immediately, I can help you pack your things, I will bring home boxes this weekend to put your stuff in" (you acknowledging her tests, you signaling to her that you get it and that you won't put up with her crap anymore)
HER: "What happened to you? Where did you learn to talk like this? You're such a horrible person. This doesn't sound like you at all? Who have you been talking too?" (more testing on her part)
YOU: "Well I finally get it now, you don't want to be with me, you haven't for a long time and I finally get it. I'm OK with this because I don't want to be with you anymore either, the way you've been treating me is horrible and it's changed how I feel about you, I don't know how I feel about you anymore, I'm not even sure that I love you anymore either, you've become an alien, I don't know who you are and I can't waste my life on someone who acts the way you do and disrespects me all the time. That's why you need to get your own place because I definitely won't be leaving this home. I won't pay for your place either, you'll need to get a full time job, I don't care if this impacts your university classes, you didn't care that cheating on me would impact our marriage." (this is where you make her feel that you know she is constantly testing you, this is where you make her feel that you know how she feels, you get it, you understand her feelings now, she's lost attraction for you and you acknowledge that by actually letting her know this and by agreeing and telling her that you feel the same way)
HER: "So you're saying right now that you don't love me? Really? Then tell me you don't love, say it, I want to hear it."
YOU: "OK, I don't love you anymore. What's the big deal, it didn't kill you when you said those same words to me. I will be as civil as possible to you because we have kids but not much more than that. You've done too much, you've pushed me too far and you've disrespected me more than I ever expected you to after all of the things I've done for you, this is the way you show gratitude?! You cheat on me, you attempt to hurt me, you disrespect me, you use and abuse me, thank you but no thanks, I'm pretty sure I can find someone else who will treat me better." (you finally showing her and her "feelings" that you get what she's been trying to do, you understand how she feels, regardless if you agree with it or not and that you are ready to let her go and find someone else to replace her)
This type of conversation can go on & on & on for a very long time. Read the examples I've shown above several times, the dialogue will go similar to it, remember that when she talks to you she isn't being sincere, she is testing you, after a while you will be able to gauge this in her facial expressions and body language, she will try to figure you out, what you're up to and she will try many different things to get you to crack under pressure and show you true wussy colors.
My point is this, you acknowledge her testing by knowing that she is doing it and responding calmly to it without being emotional, without crying a river (which is a horrible thing to do in front of a woman who feels no attraction for you), you show strength, you show that your feelings have changed.
If the discussions goes too long, especially the first time because you're new at this and it will probably be easy for you to crack under pressure because she will try everything to get you to admit that you're lying and you're still in love with her so that she has power over you again (another test), you tell her simply:
"Look we can discuss this all day long, it's not going to change a thing or how I feel. I've said my part and I'm done discussing this, that's my decision"
and then you walk away.
If she gets extremely rude towards you aka "crap behavior", you tell her plain and simple that you won't reward her behavior with your attention and that she needs to go somewhere else and give that crap to someone else because you don't want anymore and then you turn your back on her and walk away.
You have been way too soft with her, I'm glad you acknowledge this much, it's time for you to do the opposite. It will be hard, know this, acknowledge it, accept it but deal with it.
Rob
Wow do you know my wife? It's almost like there is a script
Amazing I tried this over facebook when she was away in the US. I told her to get an apartment and come and visit whenever she wants to see the kids. She freaked and started accusing me of wanting to take the kids away from her, that I had a mean streak and she doesn't want to hate me, she then asked who I'd been talking to to fill my head with all that stuff, naturally I backed down.
The problem is I don't want to get sucked into a fight where she threatens to take the kids out of the country. Mind you I very much doubt whether she would because she needs me to look after them. I also thought that getting the apartment would give her space and time to think things through and avoid getting into a complicated battle over the kids.
Then again she doesn't have any money or real friends over here and has no where else to go, which is why I didn't kick her out when she admited to what happened. She constantly tried to justify what she did as a drunken mistake and that it was nothing and has actually had me feeling guilty over giving her a hard time. I'm just worried that coming down hard is going to backfire..
"naturally I backed down."
Huge surprise that you backed down, she's used to bullying you, she is used to making you bend to her will and you did it and she knew exactly who she was dealing with, a wimp, a man who can't stand up to his own wife when she openly disrespects him.
Seriously bro, what's wrong with you? Why do you let her treat you this way? Never mind her actions right now, I'm asking about you, what is it in you that enjoys being beat up by your own wife?
Don't tolerate her threats that she will kidnap the children if that is what she has alluded to. Let her know that you've contacted the customs & passport office. She can't take the kids out of the country without your consent, if necessary call the passport office, tell them their is a dispute over custody and your spouse may try to run away with the kids out of the country, they should flag all of your passports.
There is a catch with this, if you try to travel out of the country with the kids, you will be blocked by the same methods you're employing here.
Quote:
...The problem is I don't want to get sucked into a fight where she threatens to take the kids out of the country. Mind you I very much doubt whether she would because she needs me to look after them. I also thought that getting the apartment would give her space and time to think things through and avoid getting into a complicated battle over the kids.
Problem is she knows you don't like to fight, you're afraid of fighting and she uses this to her advantage. The problem isn't the fighting, in fact if anything she would probably prefer a man that had enough passion inside of him that told him not to settle for crap behavior the way you do. Tell her that you are documenting every single time she threatens you with kidnapping the kids. Tell her you've contacted the customs/passport office and told them there is a dispute over child custody and that she won't be able to take them out of the country without your permission as well. As for getting an apartment for her, all you would be doing is providing her with a place that she can have other men over and she can sleep with them without having to do it at your home. Space & time doesn't ever work when one spouse was caught cheating, all you do is give them more resources to do the same. Why are you afraid of getting into a complicated battle with her over the kids, how complicated is it, you appear to be their main caregiver and she appears to be out most of the time, living the single life, do you think you will get screwed in all of this.
Stop being afraid of her reaction and her actions.
It's time for you to stand up for yourself and start leading your life in the direction it needs to go in. If not for you, set an example for your children to learn from because they're recording all of these events right now regardless how much you're shielding them or attempting to shield them from all of these events. Do you want this to happen to them? If not, man up and show them how to deal with these situations. Taking care of yourself will show them how to take care of themselves.
Don't worry about tomorrow, get off your a$$ now and get involved in your own life.
