Idk if he's involved but I wouldn't rule out a ons/hooker because during one of the last times we were together he called me by my full name. He never does that. It's always the short form of my name or just baby. He said it over and over. It bugged me. Either he was enjoying me because it had been mths since we did it last and he missed me or he was reassuring himself he was with his wife because of guilt.
Unfortunately, there is a third option. He was afraid he was going to call you by the wrong name by accident and overcompensated.
IMO, the first thing you need to do is figure out what you want to happen. Is MC the important thing or who actually sets it up?
Is working on the M and maybe saving it the important thing or being right?
I am in MC. I researched long and hard and found that MC is not a panacea. It is actually the LEAST effective treatment avenue in all of medicine. The success rate is coservatively 25%. Copounding that dismal record is the fact that often it actually has a NEGATIVE influence on the result. You see, any mental health pro can hang a shingle and call themselves a MC. Only Liscensed Marriage and Family Therapists have any required supervised clinical experience requirements to be degreed. Even then, they might not be fully pro-marriage.
Do you really want to stand on pride and leave the selection of a person to help you resolve your difficulties to your H, who by all accounts, hasn't been terribly interested in honestly working on your M or shown a past history of having good judgement? I would do the research and find a pro-family, mc just in order to make sure you have the best chance to get SOME benefit out of this. Otherwise throw your money away in the casinos. You'll have the same odds.
He has said he would go. Take that as a positive and get to work. You can work on the things you want in time. Setting boundaries requires work and time. Don't short youself the latter because of pride.
Good luck girl!
Last edited by A_goodman; 09/25/1006:41 AM. Reason: More to say
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
You have to be willing to take a risk. If he's not leading you to MC, and you're not willing to lead him, then you're doomed to failure. Based on what you've said, he's not going anywhere...
You're right, pinhead. That's why I came to this site. I wanted to read other stories and get some perspective. I wanted to try to find a way to make him want to come to me and talk...Something in my gut tells me to step back & stop trying to make this work.
Something inside my head says listen to your gut this time, dingbat.
I'm at a place right now where im dbing and he has no idea what that is. He knows he likes it because I'm not asking him to talk or do anything for that matter. You know how my H is going to take this? Oh..she's forgetting about everything and moving on..I like this peace. He'll remain this way until the day I move than he'll say..I thought we were starting to get along..??
You just can't make someone want something. I took a risk when I helped him and forgave him for the drugs. I gave him appts. for meetings. He never went once. everything was swept under the rug.
Idk if he's involved but I wouldn't rule out a ons/hooker because during one of the last times we were together he called me by my full name. He never does that. It's always the short form of my name or just baby. He said it over and over. It bugged me. Either he was enjoying me because it had been mths since we did it last and he missed me or he was reassuring himself he was with his wife because of guilt.
Unfortunately, there is a third option. He was afraid he was going to call you by the wrong name by accident and overcompensated.
That's what I meant by reassuring himself he was with his wife. I believe he wanted to ensure his conscience knew he was not with the other women this time and that this was ok..Makes me ill
IMO, the first thing you need to do is figure out what you want to happen. Is MC the important thing or who actually sets it up?
Is working on the M and maybe saving it the important thing or being right?
I am in MC. I researched long and hard and found that MC is not a panacea. It is actually the LEAST effective treatment avenue in all of medicine. The success rate is coservatively 25%. Copounding that dismal record is the fact that often it actually has a NEGATIVE influence on the result. You see, any mental health pro can hang a shingle and call themselves a MC. Only Liscensed Marriage and Family Therapists have any required supervised clinical experience requirements to be degreed. Even then, they might not be fully pro-marriage.
Do you really want to stand on pride and leave the selection of a person to help you resolve your difficulties to your H, who by all accounts, hasn't been terribly interested in honestly working on your M or shown a past history of having good judgement? I would do the research and find a pro-family, mc just in order to make sure you have the best chance to get SOME benefit out of this. Otherwise throw your money away in the casinos. You'll have the same odds.
He has said he would go. Take that as a positive and get to work. You can work on the things you want in time. Setting boundaries requires work and time. Don't short youself the latter because of pride.
Good luck girl!
Thank you A Goodman,
Your first ? stumps me. Really.
Not to ignore the rest of your post but I can't get passed this.
I've been a good wife. I have never looked at another man in over 20 years. Not in a sexual way..I have always worked and paid half my share. I'm in shape and take care of myself. I do all the household chores. He has to still be reminded which day is garbage day. I do all the yard work and take care of the pets. He goes to work and comes home. Sunday is for football or F1 so suck it if theres a family event..
I have to do this too? When he wrecked everything? This is where I stand. Is this pride or the doormat refusing to put herself up to get hurt again. If he shows nothing even when there is no tension and we're acting cordial to each other, when will he? I thought those tranquil moments would bring him to the realization that maybe it's time to work these problems out. They don't.
I wonder if he's in a place now where he's having his cake and eating it too.
How do I get this man to just talk to me? Put the cards on the table and stop the lies? I honestly don't think he ever will. He'll wait for me to leave so he can say She left..we couldn't work it out. I did get the ..I'll always love you and I'll always be apart of your life even after you leave..speech, so that should say it all.
I have to do this too? When he wrecked everything?
Quite honestly ... yes. You do. If you want a shot at saving this thing. And do the research A_goodman suggests, bad MC is way worse than no MC. Now is not the time to expect him to be a partner. You need to lead this, if you want to. He will not. You have the tools at your fingertips. He does not.
Sounds to me like you need to refind BBF. Were you a wife or a mother? No offense. But it's a role many of fell into. I'll bet you were a good wife, but you weren't perfect, none of us are. Examine any of the complaints he's made and look for the "sting", see if there are anythings you want to change for YOU. Time to focus on you and who you want to be. Who you really are when you peel away the masks and roles.
Good luck! PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I have to do this too? When he wrecked everything?
Quite honestly ... yes. You do. If you want a shot at saving this thing. And do the research A_goodman suggests, bad MC is way worse than no MC. Now is not the time to expect him to be a partner. You need to lead this, if you want to. He will not. You have the tools at your fingertips. He does not.
Sounds to me like you need to refind BBF. Were you a wife or a mother? No offense. But it's a role many of fell into. I'll bet you were a good wife, but you weren't perfect, none of us are. Examine any of the complaints he's made and look for the "sting", see if there are anythings you want to change for YOU. Time to focus on you and who you want to be. Who you really are when you peel away the masks and roles.
Good luck! PEI
Thanks for your reply, PEI
I said I was a good wife. Not perfect. Nobody is perfect. I do however fit the mothering roll by doing all the laundry, cleaning and cooking. I don't take over his life like a mother tho. His own mother told us the way we handle our own personl affairs is shocking. She couldn't believe I don't ever see his pay. He has his bank and I have mine. I don't go near his car, unless of course he needs me to clean it. Lets see..I don't talk to him at all during the day and in the evening we eat dinner together that I cooked and I do the dishes and go to my room for the night. The man has his freedom to come and go.
I would have to be the leader as I do have the tools, but do I want to anymore is the question that burns me up.
As for the complaints he's thrown at me? Not enough sex and me constantly wanting to talk about those stupid texts because it was nothing, he didn't touch anyone so drop it. Then he gets up and slams doors and leaves. Always ends this way. Then we start being cordial a few days later and here we are. Endless cycle.
He won't help me ever so sex is what I'm least intested in after working as many hours sometimes more than him and come home to find him sleeping on the couch with the coffee cups still on the table. He takes no initiate ever to tidy up, pick up his dirty clothes or start dinner and I don't feel very romantic at that point.
He doesn't think he did anything wrong so he's never going to talk me about something he says is nothing. I still believe I should just move out and let this be if he doesn't show any signs of wanting it. If I try to lead he's going to tell me in 6 months..Oh I only went cause you kept bringing it up.
I have learned one thing about my relationship since coming here. Every problem I have in my marraige is the trickle down of being in a ssm. Our sex life was more than amazing for the first 10 years ( because I put in all theextra effort) but he still wasn't helping me. I asked him to. It lasted for a bit than the same old crap. I was tired too from work and after some time just gave up on it. Maybe I need to move to make him see all I do..realistically tho..he'll just find someone or keep running thru women instead of looking within. I have to accept that about him because he's not going to change.
I think this is over now. I'm starting to go through many changes. Feeling angry then hurt then freedom then crying etc. so I'm hoping I'm beginning the stages of allowing my mind to absorb and deal with what's happening.
The lies are never going to stop and he has already stated that he doesn't want me looking at phone anymore. He's dumping everything on me now and taking no responsibility so I know he's gone.
Im going to move to the surviving the d forum. People seem to get good advice about moving on and such there. Unfortunately for me I have absolutely no desire to meet someone else. I would like to be alone and find myself again before I invite someone else into my life. Easier said. This is going to be a very lonely ride.
My hope is to come back to this thread in a year and actually be happy. This is the hardest thing I ever had to do. I have to let go.
Geez, I keep hearing that Gaga crap...Let me go..Alejandro.. At least it makes me laugh...
I think this is over now. I'm starting to go through many changes. Feeling angry then hurt then freedom then crying etc. so I'm hoping I'm beginning the stages of allowing my mind to absorb and deal with what's happening.
The lies are never going to stop and he has already stated that he doesn't want me looking at phone anymore. He's dumping everything on me now and taking no responsibility so I know he's gone.
Im going to move to the surviving the d forum. People seem to get good advice about moving on and such there. Unfortunately for me I have absolutely no desire to meet someone else. I would like to be alone and find myself again before I invite someone else into my life. Easier said. This is going to be a very lonely ride.
My hope is to come back to this thread in a year and actually be happy. This is the hardest thing I ever had to do. I have to let go.
Geez, I keep hearing that Gaga crap...Let me go..Alejandro.. At least it makes me laugh...
Peace to all..
Very smart advice to yourself. Hang in there. You can handle this.
