Stitching together a new quilt

[FindingMyVoice]

That can be really tough. A suggestion? Don't focus on the rejections or negative events. Focus on the the good things, the acceptance, the little things that go right.

Hi Pinhead. I totally agree that pessimism reinforces the number of negative events that you notice. Especially if they're isolated events. However, I think a balance needs to be found. For years, all I did was sweep the rejections and negative events under the rug. I kept seeing them AS isolated events, when really it was an ongoing pattern of negative behaviors and communication. And my husband would encourage that by getting angry with me if I ever wanted to discuss a conflict we were having. It got me nowhere but a therapists office. I stopped trusting myself; I blamed myself for everything.

So I guess I'm trying to find the right balance now. I agree that we all have to focus on the good things and the acceptance. But I also have to notice the negative interactions so that I know how to deal with them. If I instead blame myself for noticing them by criticizing myself for being pessimistic, I can't learn what's going on underneath the negative patterns and therefore how to change it.

BUT it's occurring to me now that focusing on the good in life doesn't have to come at the expense of dealing with the negative patterns that need to be addressed. Why can't I see them both at the same time? Seems like a 'tall order'. I think it requires more self-awareness that I used to have, but I think that with all I've learned this year maybe I can achieve that now. Hey! That feels good to realize! Thanks for having this talk with me and helping me come to that, Pinhead!

PS I LOVE your story about the romantic card you snuck into your wife's suitcase. Wish I would have thought of the same before my H left this morning. Take care! FMV.