Help, ex coming here in 2 days!

[Augtan]

This is the one place I can come and be truthful, not that I lie to my friends and family, I just don't tell them. Ex and I were together again! He intiated it and I just gave in. I am not reading anything into this....but every other time we have been together like this there was no kissing and I felt like a hooker or something because of that, this time he couldn't stop kissing me and it was much more intimate, more like when we were married and things were good. I also don't feel bad or used this time at all. We snuggled and talked and it was just different.

I think the whole losing of his job has brought him out of the tunnel for the moment. One of the things they say on the infidelity board is that you need to be more of what he needs and wants than the OP, you need to be the girlfriend he wants more so than the girlfriend he has, and I know I am doing that right now. He asked me not to let the word get around the town where he lives (I have tons of friends there, we lived there for 11 years) that he stayed at my house cause he just doesn't need sh*t from the slut he is dating, that he has enough sh*t in his live right now and doesn't need more from her (so she must give him a lot of crap or he wouldn't say that). I asked him if they were still dating and he said "sorta".

So, I just am sitting back and being supportive when he reaches out to me and doing nothing else, I am not contacting him or pushing it. In the past I have contacted him after these encounters trying to say cute things, flirting via text, etc. and it has sent him futher away from me. I know the pattern, when he gets back there he feels guilty and retreats, and I have made comments and flirted and that makes him feel worse cause it is in his face that way.

He has two job leads up here and I am praying for my kids sake he gets one of them. I have no false hope or think we will get back together, I don't even know if that is what I want unless he really gets himself together in a much bigger way than I think is possible, but I do still love him and love being with him when he is "normal" like he was the last few days! I am not beating myself up about being with him even though I vowed not to do it, I have so much stuff going on with work that I just have accepted that I chose to do it, I enjoyed it, we bonded this time and am taking life one day at a time. I am dating guys here, one who really wants to be my "boyfriend", but I am not ready for that title at all. I know I am not ready to be in a commited relationship, but it is fun to get out there and know I am still attractive and to have an adult to do stuff with on occasion. Does that make sense? I am not waiting for XH to want to come home! Does anyone else out there have a similar relationship with their ex or am I totally crazy??

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