Stitching together a new quilt

[FindingMyVoice]

I don't know about the infatuation. It might just be your mind fantasizing about what could be.

Yes, I think you're bang on here. I think I was just wanting to be - well 'wanted'. Emotionally; sexually, however... just 'wanted'. H and I had a couple tough convos this month that made me think - yet again - that my presense in his life really doesn't make a difference to him:

The first convo: He'd told me that me going with him, to an uncle's funeral of his a couple of years ago (which happened to be a 10 hour drive away in the middle of winter) didn't really make a difference to him because the death 'hadn't really bothered him that much'. (Wish he would have told me THAT when I'd offered to go with him).

The second convo: This week I'd happily offered to come and cheer him on for a race he's running today. However, he actually discouraged me from coming, saying it would be chilly and I shouldn't bother. We went back and forth like that a couple times, then I finally said, "well - when I do my race next year you'll be there to cheer me on won't you? So I just thought it would be nice if we could cheer each other on!" He kind of laughed, making a joke saying "ooohhh... yeeeaaah... Okaay...I'll be there" like he hadn't even considered going. At that point I gave up. I figured well, I've tried reaching out to you three times to offer my support to you, and you've not only rejected it, you've also let me know I shouldn't expect your support when I do my race. So I figured fine - why bother? He left this morning. After the race he's going right off to his work trip so I won't see him for a week.

So, between these convos and all the rejection around ML, I think I just started wanting that feeling again... that a man wants me; some man somewhere sees me and feels like I make a difference in his life. And I guess when I'm not feeling it in my real life, I escape into imagining another man feels that for me. Pretty sad and pathetic of me I guess. At least last night, seeing this guy again after a couple months, my attraction to him lost a lot of it's shine. I don't think I'll be thinking about him so much any more.

But now I'm faced with dealing with this perception of my H's seeming indifference to me in so many situations. Which I guess, is what that attraction enabled me to escape from having to deal with in the first place.