Originally Posted By: The Goofball Formerly Known as SpinFree (pronounced &)
Is there a way that you can show him what you find sexy?
Originally Posted By: Frustrated2
Right now I feel so broken that I don't find anything sexy. I feel defensive and anxious. When I work up the courage and self confidence to try to do something sexy, I am accutely aware that it is not enough to satisfy my H and so it does not end up being a confidence building experience.
Can you do it in a situation where it *IS* enough? On the way out the door, can you turn a quick peck into a lingering kiss? (Now get to work, handsome.) When putting out dinner, can you stroke his ear/jaw/arm and tell him how glad you are to sit down with him?
I think if you go to the limit in a situation where it *can't* go any further it will help you both.
If he gets pissy, ask him what more you should have done when the kids are watching or he's on his way to work, etc. Just because he doesn't want to wait for baby steps, doesn't mean that he doesn't have to/need to.
Originally Posted By: Frustrated2
I really need to be able to learn how to touch and be touched again, and to feel relaxed and pleasant, I need to be able to build my self esteem and confidence, but ultimately I move too slow for him. He is not interested in taking small steps for me and then relieving himself, I think he is afraid that if he allows that then we will never go back to actually having sex. Because he is so concerned about having his wants/needs taken care of, it pretty much defeats my efforts to take care of what I need. I don't want him to feel rejected, but I also don't want to feel like I am just a piece of flesh that he uses to make himself feel good.
You've set a good personal boundary that you won't be used.
Set a personal boundary for 5-minute "sexy sessions" to accomplish what you want to accomplish. Your husband is invited to participate, but you will be having a sexual break with or without him. His needs are his own and he is responsible for them.
You get to decide how you are touched, how you touch him, and when you're finished. (A nice touch is to thank him when you're finished.) You then have to stick to your guns and not let him push you around during your sexual explorations.
If he decides not to participate because it's not what he wants drag your sexy self off by yourself and enjoy yourself. This is about YOU. You aren't responsible for his feelings. Only yours.
