Hi everyone... Let me start by saying that MWD talks in her books about tailoring DBing techniques to accommodate your own sitch and lifestyle... Except, I didn't remember reading this until I was served with D papers and desperately reread her book in search of hope!
When H left, he said it was just for a few days... To think things through and went to his parents house. I cried and cried but didn't put up a fight. How do you fight someone on a feeling they have or don't have? I will always regret opening my big mouth and saying to H if you're not happy then what are you doing here? Stupid girl. Stupid girl. Stupid girl! Wish I had read DB/DR because I wouldve been able to make changes while H was living at home. When I realized he wasn't planning to come back I grew sick and angry. I then became a monster... I found MWD from my IC and started reading in february... Yep, I did everything she said not to do... Cry, plead, beg, say ILY, bring up happy memories... All of it. I swore she was a fly on my wall and wrote the books based on my actions... And so I started DBing. H was simply numb, no expression, no fighting back, in fact he would just say I know I loved you so much, where did it go... Or I heard our song on the radio and started crying... or my personal favorite, I watched our wedding video, where did that love go b/c I know I was so in love with you. Ummmm... I tried to make him see things the way I wanted to but it wasn't working. In fact it was making him angrier. And H now says he wasn't strong enough to fix it then. He hinself felt too upset by everything, just that he felt no pressure and "safe" staying at his parents. (Whatever!). We started arguing and yelling and every conversation ended with me crying hysterically and him sobbing then turning angry. Nothing I did worked! And then I tried NC. I think I only did about 2 1/2 weeks... Hated every day. I felt it was making more distance between us. I also drew boundaries, and told H to separate his banking account, pack his clothes, I changes the alarm code to the house, and NC kicked in. I had nothing to lose and everyone said it worked... And I'm sure it did/does... H served me with D papers after 2 1/2 weeks
I thought I died. I called him the second I received them. His response, you won't speak to me, you are already ending everyhting else, you're ignoring me and also keep telling me its all or nothing. You keep giving me ultimatums of MC or divorce. And so he took D. Ok... I forgot mention, in anger I told H I was filing for D. I actually sent him a tect message on where to go and how to file. Stupid. Really stupid. But I wanted him to fight me back on it. I wanted him to scream NO THATS NOT WHAT I WANT! I'm learning now it doesn't work that way. I need to start saying what I mean, and meaning what I say. I constantly brought up D,.. Did you go yet? Did you file? Go now before the baby is born, if you don't, I will, I will never take you back anyway. well NC blew up in my face. After the papers I tried NC again. And I think I got less than 10 days and H started stopping by. And while DBing would have kicked him out, I found this as the perfect opportunity to show him my better side... Showed him my 180 or how I GAL... I also felt like I was becoming a monster. I wasn't staying true to myself. I was angry yes, but I was still human. I hated him but still loved him. I always felt like H was emotionally weakened and destraught since he left and tried so hard to make sense of it. I felt like all my DB techniques were blowing up in my face. I then refused to sign the D papers... Told H I didn't believe in D and didn't want it. His response... You told me you wanted a D and told me where to go... You said its either we worked on our M or got D. And I came across someone's thread and how she felt her H was in MLC and how she handled it. So I started reading more on MLC and how to treat the WAS in these situations and applied it to my life. I also starting thinking, what would love do... Why did my h fall in love with me years ago... Because of my heart and my compassion. So why stop being me just because I'm supposed to be an angry B since I'm pregnant and my H left me. I did go through the anger phase, it was intense, just very short lived. I didn't like who I was becoming. It didn't feel right. H started coming around more and calling more and texting. I decided create a welcoming and comfortable home where H would feel welcome back into. This was the technique that worked wonders for me. MWD knows her stuff! I drew my H back to me but bending the rules. While DB coaches told fellow DBers not to allow H to go to the ultrasound or to make decisions for baby, I felt like it wasn't true to my life and who I was. I allowed him to take part but only for the baby's sake and ended things there. Little by little I noticed H wanted me around more... Invited me to his graduation, would show up on easter and mothers day with a card a presents from the baby. At this point I figured worse case scenario is that we are always going going to be in each other's lives because of our son. No point in being hostile. H also showed a lot of confusion... In may, I signed the D papers and he refused to take them, H Wanted to go to MC then changed his mmind... We went to birth classes together, he started coming to doctor appointments... And by june he was at the house every day helping me with errands, painting the babys room, taking me to select baby furniture... Stayed over for several weeks after the baby was born. Even then I noticed H was more affectionate always wanted to be around, but of course I thought it was for the baby. Day before I went into labor, I tossed all books on D and MC and so on. I threw out my journals and anything related to D. I no longer wanted to fight for my M. I wanted to be a mommy... Nothing else. And so I became one... Awesome feeling, by the way. And this was my true 180, my GAL at best. I was too busy for H. Too in love with my son and truly happy!!! I did have days when I was upset but one look at the baby and I was ok. H started to show signs of wanting a future with me... And eventually mentioned that just when he started to feel strongly that he wanted back, he felt like I didn't. He now says he knew filing for d was incredibly stupid and wrong. I said what would have happened if I did sign them? He said we'd get married again... Hahaha
He remember everything I said to him and wrote him about fixing our M. Yes, I would quote MWD and send it to him. I wanted him to see his feelings were normal and we could get through it. At the time he swore NO and now he remembers it all.
Ok... Enough for today. Mommy duty calls... H will be over soon to start our day!
Oh... Date night was GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
