Where does the WAW go

[Doodi]

Well I didn't post this earlier but I can't shake it from my brain. Here's my drama from last night...

5pm--H comes home from work. I'm on the phone with my girlfriend that I had gone out with last weekend. He pops his head in and waves and I smile back but continue my conversation.

6pm--H's phone rings so I answer it. It's his boy saying he's on his way to pick him up so they can go out. 1st I've heard of this. So I take the phone upstairs--H is pretending to be asleep. I say pretending because our room which I had been in less than 15 min prior, when he was also asleep, now smells of cologne. I say nothing but hand him the phone.

615pm--He comes into the LR and says "Glad to hear you had an AWESOME time last weekend. I thought it was just okay." WTF! I did get mad but my D was laying on the floor watching TV. I didn't addr his comment but I did say, "I'm glad your boy told me you were going out tonight. I had no clue. Have fun."

Fast forward to 915pm--H comes home not toasted but definitely buzzed. I'm watching TV on my laptop but I greet him and ask him if he had fun. Chit-chat for a sec. So here's where it goes downhill..

H: So do you I feel any different? (This is a daily question like everything is just going to change).

M: I really don't know how to answer that because of how you left this evening. I felt attacked by what you said as you were walking out the door for an evening you didn't have the decency to tell me about.

H: You're right I can see where you felt attacked by what I did. But why did you tell your girl you had an AWESOME time but you told me it was just OK.

M: There's nothing to it. I was just responding to what she said. I did have a good time. No biggie.

H: Well why would you lie to your girl. If it was just ok, why tell her it was AWESOME.

M: There have been times that even you tell your boys one thing and me another in regards to how your evening was. It's really not that big a deal.

H: Don't defend what you did. It's not about me it's about you. So just admit it. You're lying to one of us.

From here every time I tried to explain myself he would talk over me. This went on for about 10 mins before he started to get and walk out. As he was leaving he started to curse as he was talking to me.

M: I wish you wouldn't start cussing at me.

H: I haven't cussed you. Then he starts screaming "YOU'RE WRONG! YOU'RE WRONG! I didn't f@cking say anything until just now"

M: I'm not going to sit here and have you yelling at me like I'm a child.

H proceeds to go into the kitchen and scream things. He is screaming only to himself, I have not moved from my couch. He's saying things like "Of course, I'm wrong, it's always my fault. I know you don't love me. I know you don't feel anything for me. I'm just your friend...RIGHT!" He then starts in a mock female voice--obviously meaning to be me--"But of course it's not me, I haven't done anything, I'm just sitting on the couch saying nothing. I would never blame you. It's your own fault you are thinking this way. It's your own fault that you feel unloved and miserable. I've done nothing. I can't control your feelings, only you can. It's not my fault you are screaming like a maniac in the kitchen. I didn't do anything."

I sat on the couch thinking exactly that. It isn't my fault that he was losing it like he was. I have to take responsibility for what I do/say/think but apparently he doesn't...it's my fault he is thinking the way he is. It's my fault that he's screaming and slamming things.

This goes on for about 10 minutes. I hear my oldest on the stairs and I rush him back up to his room and close the door. He is completely upset. I just sit and rock him and try to make things better. I'm not sure if I handle anything from this point on right...

M: I know it's upsetting to hear mom/dad fight but you need to know that we both love you and we will always be here for you.

S: But I'm scared someone is going to get hurt. What's all the banging and metal sounds.

M: Daddy, is cooking something right now and you probably just heard the pan. Don't worry noone will get hurt. (Some of the sounds were him slamming his fist and slamming his glasses onto the ground breaking them but I didn't say anything about that).

S: But why does this keep happening? Why is Daddy screaming downstairs?

M: There are times when people get mad with themselves and each other. Tonight mom/dad got were talking and we got upset. We didn't mean to lose control but we let our emotions get the best of us. Right now daddy is just upset with himself and is saying things that are running through his head. I tried to explain that we all think we're stupid sometimes and that daddy was just saying those type things but it was ok.

M: You need to know that I will do anything for you and you can tell me everything. You have to tell me what you are feeling so I can help you. You don't have to be scared about getting in trouble because there is nothing you can say or do that will make me not love you. I will always be there for you. ALWAYS! I will never leave you.

S: But will daddy? Will daddy always be there?

This was the hardest moment of the night because I know in my head that the possibility of separation was growing by the day.

M: I don't like to speak for daddy but I know he loves you with everything he is. You are just as important to him as you are too me.

I put him back to bed and returned downstairs. H was still balling and ranting. I decided there would be no way a coherent conversation would happen so I didn't say anything. I journaled and journaled some more. He cried for another 20 minutes and then came in the room but ignored me. I sat for 10 more minutes and decided to go to bed. It was now almost 11pm, so I said "Good-night" as nicely as I could and left.

So that's it. It's now 2pm, H is still not up and I don't know what to expect. These are the pins and needles I live with. I don't know if he's going to wake up with anger or tears? Am I going to be able to handle either? Will I be able to be honest about my feelings without another explosion?

They seem like such simple, stupid things but they become so huge in my world. All of this started because I said OK to him but AWESOME to my friend. A snowflake to an avalanche in less than an hour.

Doodi