What are you teaching Marc about how to value himself and what to want from life?
Marc has no clue that I'm having these struggles. There is one advantage to having an autistic child, he lives in his own world where if it doesn't have a direct impact on him alone then he doesn't pay any attention to it. That has been a true blessing. There is such a huge difference in him since his dad has been in the same house. He does so much better with school, activities, etc. He still doesn't have impulse control in any way but that is part and parcel with the autism.
So, in answer to your question, I'm not teaching him anything about valuing himself with my own actions. He is a very strong individual who has had to battle a lot due to constant teasing at school and he has become quite a fighter for himself. I'm very glad of that.
How is crying passive aggressive? It's not something that was controlable. Gabe was asleep and I couldn't leave my room to go cry elsewhere. My mom was in the living room still and I couldn't be alone out there. I was quiet so I wouldn't wake him. I didn't want him to know I was upset because, frankly, I think it's ridiculous that it upset me so much.
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Then, the follow-up with the trap/pout/storm-off.
Trap? What trap? I asked the question I had been needing to ask to figure out where I stand with him. Now I know. Problem solved. How is that a trap? No pouting either. It is a true statement that I obviously feel more for him than he does for me. No pouting...truth. And I didn't storm off. I had to leave right then to go pick mom up from dialysis and he knew that. No surprise that I had to go. There was no anger in my leaving. I just walked out to my car to leave.
It is not possible to have an honest, direct discussion with him. It would be me talking, pouring out my heart and him sitting and listening, getting more angry by the moment that I am talking to him about anything that has to do with emotion, and no response from him. Been there, done that. I got the answer to my only question. Where do I stand with him? No where. He likes being comfortable, he likes hanging out with me and Marc. That is all. There is no love there and I am coming to grips with that. I have to let my love for him go. It will kill me in the end if I hang on to it.
The only question that remains is can I live with the situation the way it is? Can I put away that love and just be roomies with him? I don't plan to be in a R with anyone else in the future so he isn't 'cramping my style' and he helps with Marc and mom. Is that enough? It is nice to have a little burden taken off and he is helping as much as he can financially. If I kick him to the curb that will end too. He is paid under the table so I can't have wages garnished for child support when there is no proof that he gets paid. I would lose a lot if I ended the situation.
Isn't there a line where valuing yourself and getting what you want in life has to end and preserving your family's wellbeing takes over? If there isn't then our WAS's were totally right for leaving and valuing only themselves instead of thinking of those that rely on them. Responsibilities trump selfish desires.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hey Mish, Whilst I wouldnt phrase things the way OldTimer does, I do agree that I was a bit surprised by the way you FINALLY asked Gabe..it wasnt the best timing and therefore, I guess there was a bit of drama about it. You could have showed some self control and waited until there was a good space for the two of you to have a proper talk, without you having to get up and leave immediately, leaving the guy hanging? And you didnt get to explore what he meant.. you kind of reacted with hurt, then left.
Also.. you are still behaving very wounded and hurt and trying to draw reactions out of him (understandable after what you've been through, but is it a way to keep a man in piecing ??).. to say to him "well I obviously love you more than you love me" or however you put it.. is that really true? It that quantifiable? Maybe in fact, Gabe loves you more becuase he has no reason to be angry/hurt/resentful with you like you do with him. You have a lot of unresolved feelings! But thats an aside.. what I thought when I read that, was - how do you think that made him FEEL when you said that, and then left the house? Can you imagine? I imagine it made him feel like crap. Guilty, ashamed, like a using b*stard (maybe he is! I cant tell).
I agree with Bobbi that he is maybe trying to help/love you more than you see and maybe if you lowered the walls/defences/pride down a little there would be more room for him to do that? Its the same thing I was always saying to Maria!
In answer to your question, I think, that with the situation you have been in, with a very sick dependant Mum, an autistic son and money worries.. then no, there is no shame/harm in welcoming your husband back into your life, IF you still love him. The fact that he is still a mess is something that may resolve over time. Sounds like from his answer that it isnt that he doesnt love and care for you, but that he is afraid to make promises he may not be able to keep. After everything that has gone to sh*t in his life over the past 3 years, I can see that he may be cautious or not trust himself. I didnt read it as bad as you did, but then its not me he said it to! I can see you would be disappointed and that it was a hurtful thing to hear.
If it were me.. I would concentrate on DB principles once again.. work on yourself, be happy in yourself, GAL and.. become again the girl he once fell in love with. Be confident, fun to be around and remember that he has feelings too. Men who have MLC need alot of patience and TLC, ironically, seeing as they are the ones that baled and hurt us. Hugs xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I didn't hear him saying "I don't love you." I heard that he said he enjoyed being with you and doing things with you. There are a lot of guys who don't like feeling like they need to put labels on things. There was just a story online that said, when women ask men "Where are we going..." in a R that the men typically thing the woman is pressuring them for a commitment or a proposal. But the women surveyed said they really just wanted to know how the man felt about them? Sounds like one of those Mars/Venus things.
What answer would have pleased you? Anything short of, "I love you dearly, I screwed up royally, I want to be with you the rest of our lives and show you how much I love you?"
I am not trying to be a witch, I am honestly curious. Because I have done similar things/asked similar things without stopping first to think what I would want the answer to be...
Ummm, that was bad timing to ask right then and there. Especially since you had to leave to get your mom. If you want to have a talk, you have to have time to have a talk.
He didn't say he didn't love you.
He just asked why there has to be a label on it. And he kind of has a point. While you two obviously need to work on your communication skills, he is ACTING like your husband. And actions usually speak louder than words. Especially in a man who is so horrible at expressing his feelings.
He obviously feels guilty about leaving you both, he wants to be back in your lives.
Rather than "I love you more than you love me" you should have said something like "I love you and love having you in Marc and my lives".
If it's that important to have a label on it, to be officially boyfriend and girlfriend or significant others, than TELL him that. Directly.
If this is stemming from your insecurity because he left before, then tell him that too. Say, I am having a difficult time with this because I am unsure what pushed you away before. Or I am having a hard time living with you and not being married because or religion / the past / my insecurities / whatever it is.
I understand how difficult the situation is for you. I understand that because you've been bottling it up the emotions just came pouring out. That's exactly why it's important to address issues instead of letting them fester.
(((Mishka)))
I'm sorry how everything went down. I know that wasn't what you wanted to hear.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I have to say I agree. He never said he didn't love you. I do think you need to figure out what you want from this before you go any further or at least before you have any more talks.
Also so very true that you need to have the time before you get into a talk. Try to really hear what he is saying instead of reacting to it. You can reaffirm what he said if you want to make sure there isn't a misunderstanding.
Deep breaths hon. You can figure this out.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I find it interesting that they take a person's income into consideration when writing up a ticket. I should think the rate of speed would determine the ticket?
