Hey, I just re-read through my postings. Most of those feelings are from the past. To read them does sound like I'm whining about it.
I have been implementing a robx/GucciLoafer style approach for the last 3 months and it is working for me.
If my supposed to be soon to ex-wife wants to join me at a later date, and is a friendly ship mate with me, as well as a willing and giving lover, then I will re-consider.
outside of this is not even an option for me.
My wife who ever it is loves to treat me well, loves to make love to me, loves to see me happy, encourages me, supports me in what I'm doing, is proud of me, and we can be very adventerous together. You never know what I may try.
Look, I'm not trying to beat you up over your affair; you did it, it's over, nothing I say changes that and you feel like it worked. Fair enough. But I also don't see anything I posted that I want to take back just because your wife cheated on you first. In fact, I took that into account the first time, though of course I didn't know all the details.
You're right, that's a long list of heart-breaking things she did to you, and it's easy to see why your heart got broken. But the fact remains that you're selling an affair as a solution (NOT as a mistake you were justified in making because she cheated first and you were heartbroken, but a positive step that will make things better.) I know you think it was, but I don't see how. You got revenge and an ego-stroke, and I guess if that's all you were after then that's a success, but it obviously didn't fix your marriage. It's dangerous for people to take that advice.
What she did was wrong. What you did was wrong. What she did was done before what you did. But that doesn't make what you did a good idea. If someone punches you in the nose and walks away, you will be filled with the urge to chase him down and punch him in his nose. You could do it, and it would give you a nice feeling of revenge and an ego stroke . . . but time won't end when you punch him, and you may not like the consequences after that. Even if it works out for you when you punch him, that doesn't mean it was the right thing to do, or that it was the only thing to do, or that other people should do it . . . and when you start advising people who haven't even gotten punched yet that they should go ahead and throw hands first because it really helps, someone has to step in and point out that it's a bad idea.
I don't really do revenge. I simply at some point decided to take care of my own needs. Some of them do require a partner. The current wife has said to me in too many ways she is not my partner at this point.
I am not happy it is this way, but what I did took alot of the stress and hell off of my shoulders. I wish it wasn't this way. I was told by some men much older than me that this such tactict does technically work. And being that I'm not in a marrige by her definition in the first place... I am not wrong, will not beat her over the head with it... And if she is ever my wife again, she will still be most special to me.
If she does not choose to, I will find new life with someone else.
In particular the part about requiring sincere remorse before a marriage can be healed is an interesting concept from a woman who has seen it all and counseled thousands.
(2) As to the "older men" who advised you, I (as an older man) would also like to give you some advice, take your infidelity with you to your grave, if you can. Unfortunately, you have put it on the internet, which means that there is a potential for your wife to find out. You may have even told her. I would advise you never to tell her, because it will just make reconciliation more difficult. I would also advise you to figure out to become seriously remoseful about it.
If you decide to divorce, because of her attitude, so be it. We can not change our spouse and it truly takes two to repair and keep a marriage strong.
Finally, I recognize that we are all human and that no one set of "rules" applies to everyone. I wish you the best of luck in finding a path that leads to long term happiness.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
It might just not be her. She has expirimented and fattened her ego off of being evil, she enjoyed it all the way. At least when I did my deeds in the past with a different person, I carried personal shame.
Anyway, I will do the best I can without putting my health, my mind or losing any more assets I have. So there is a set amount of time.
The world needs to wake her up. I don't care if she finds out about these posts. If she can read it objectively it would be for her own good.
There are plenty of good ladies out there, and even "bad" ones whose badness will not affect you, since it is in an area you don't care about.
My wifes badness usually goes into direct opposition to whats important to me, plus she rubbed her crap right under my face for many many years. Its alot of pain and spiritual erosion.
I hope she can come out of it. Until then, I will keep making new friends.
You might want to read about the steps involved in grieving (one model has five stages) and it might help you move past your marriage to your wife.
Ultimately when you reach acceptance, you might want to try to not think of her as evil, but misguided. If you can, then you will have really reached acceptance.
When I was unsure if my marriage would survive or not, I too came to the conclusion that there were lots of women who had many good qualities that would be thrilled to provide me with the love and touching and emotional support I needed. I realized that I deserved better and I was going to make sure that I found someone who would love me in a way that was not emotionally damaging. That is a worthy life goal.
From what I have read, you too have come to that conclusion.
I would urge you to now forgive your wife and let go of any remaining anger, no mater how justified it is in your mind. Anger and getting over it, is one of the steps of grieving the loss of something or someone important to you.
As you get a life and improve your life, you don't need to dwell on the bad things in the past, unless it is as a cathartic rant to make you feel better.
I really want you to understand that I am not saying you are evil or wrong to be upset with the way you have been treated. I am saying that to move on to where you need to be to gain happiness, you may need to grieve the loss of love from and marriage to your wife and reach a state of acceptance.
I seriously hope that you find happiness.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
I can do that, and thanks for the advice. Its kinda hard to fully forgive, because it sort of demasculates me to be in her presense. You see, I feel I get treated like the non-sexual male friend. So I leave her feeling weakened.
We currently live in two different apartments. While the isolation protects my "masculinity"... Its basically costing me over $1000 a month to live lie this and its been over a year. Not cheap, when all my needs can be met at home with a loving and supportive wife.
So you understand the madness, you think about the pain, the time, the money, and the fact you are keeping yourself out of other good potentially situations.
I can move on forgiving her in her short sightedness, and reacting off of emotion not knowing what she is giving up, nor what she was playing with.
I'm enjoying my life, and will be enjoying it more in the future.
I hope all of you guys situations workout for you, and if it doesn't you find in yourself what you need to move on and have a good life again.
I this moment I'm trying romantic moments (she and me alone), candles, flowers, deserted beaches with white sand, vacation time in a cruise ship. All of the above, nothing seems to work as a magical switch. But instead I'm giving myself time (2 years at the best)to see results. I'm writing in my calendar the progress and it is worthy.
Good luck. I've been down that road.
Sometimes people just aren't interested in sex, and nothing we yet know about psychology or medicine could pinpoint the reason. It's not necessarily because she's angry, or anything specific. I've heard too many stories of women agonizing and searching for what's wrong with them, following misguided therapy advice, to no avail.
It's like asking, what's the REASON you aren't homosexual? Is it because you're angry? Surely a romantic cruise with someone of the same gender would make you want sex, right? Sometimes when you're not interested in sex, period, all these remedies are just annoying!
She's still not interested in sex, this is caos!!!!
Me:52 W:50 M:30 D:19S:27 Discovered EA:08/08 denied W insisted on D+ILYBNILWY:08/08 Exposed wrong OMW:10/08 Found exact OM's ID 2/09 Expose OMW son, not sure OMW knows yet 25 months after still a rollercoaster
...and she cheated on me 2 years ago...for maybe over 3 years with a married man...
I'm also experiencing ED. Thz to the new medical advance I'm ok
Me:52 W:50 M:30 D:19S:27 Discovered EA:08/08 denied W insisted on D+ILYBNILWY:08/08 Exposed wrong OMW:10/08 Found exact OM's ID 2/09 Expose OMW son, not sure OMW knows yet 25 months after still a rollercoaster
MWD has an interesting article linked on the front page about healing from from an infidelity.
I know that one of the guys I work with had a WAW who divorced him after 25 years and it took him years to get over it. Ultimately he went through a 5-stage grieving process that helped him get to acceptance of his lost marriage. I would expect that one would need to do something simillar to get past the betrayal of an ifidelity.
I looked back at some of your and goalie's posts. I really admire the way you are approaching life and family. Good luck to you and I hope that you get to acceptance and find happiness.
P.S. Modern medicine is really wonderful!
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
